Sunrise, and ah. I have to get myself ready. I have things to do and places to go. I have a job. I have a life happening right before my eyes. Some of this is easy and some is challenging. I have people who I can count on and people who I contend with. Put simply, I am like you or anyone else here.
I have my cup of coffee with me now. I have quiet music playing in the background. I have me and I have you. I only say this because I like to break things down and keep them simple. I see this as a benefit to me. Otherwise, it’s easy to overthink. It’s easy to react or better yet, it’s easy to overreact. Life is complicated enough without my input. And therefore, I write this for both you and I and the overly critical. I write this for us, the people who feel too much and dissect too many things. This is for us, the ones that could use a little extra push to get the day going.
Somehow, there needs to be a way to find motivation to go successfully navigate through the day. We have to do this without our mind betraying itself. By the way, this is only a matter of training.
What I mean is this, if the mind can learn the connections to our past or the maps to our discomforts, then it would also be true that our mind can learn how to navigate away from this. We can learn new connections and find new pathways.
There is no more right or wrong or positions of judgment. Besides, judgment has led us to where we are, which is here, at an uncomfortable impasse. And somehow, we want to steer away from this. We want to find a way to let go, to be free or to disconnect from our unresolved tensions.
We want to be free of judgment, and yet, we hold ourselves captive. This is why I’ve chosen to move away from the ideas of right or wrong. There is only now and the mindfulness of the moment.
There is no more past and no more future. There is only the present, which is happening now, which means this is go time. This means all the atrocities from the past and all the unresolved tensions, all the thoughts that keep us leashed to something we want to let go of, all the reasons, all the excuses, all the complications and emotional injuries, and all the snags of distractions are no longer useful to us.
If the mind can learn this then the mind can also learn to change and improve. Therefore, there is no more judgment of our past. Else we stay in our past. Else, we live in our past.
Else, we live in its regard and in its memory, which changes, by the way. That’s right. Memory is elastic. Our memory changes according to the sentiment and emotions. Memories lie because our mind holds the imperfections and pulls a trick.
Somehow, the inner workings of our analytical mind takes over. We hold our visions, which grow both systematically and dramatically worse. And sure, people say things like, “You have to let that go.” regardless to how traumatic something might have been.
People tell you, “You have to move past that.” As if it were that easy.
But I have news about this.
If anxiety or depression; or if post traumatic stress disorder, substance or alcohol abuse, or better yet, if suicidal ideation could be relieved with just a few words, hospital units would be empty. Therapists would be out of a job. There would be no such thing as addiction anymore and subjects like mental health wouldn’t be so taboo.
We tend to cling to the threads of our past. We hold on to our personal and moral injuries because the impact from them and the sights we’ve seen are undeniable. The things we’ve learned have defied the basic golden rules of humanity. We have witnessed and experienced things that have scarred our moral fiber. The situations we have witnessed or the casualties we’ve endured are enough to hold us back from moving forward.
And then what? Some genius comes along to say, “Oh, you just have to shake that off.”
I get the fact that life can certainly be unfair. I get that there are instances and accidents and faults and flaws. I understand the different positions of judgment, which we use to scrutinize ourselves.
I understand the rejective thinking that leads to feelings of shame, sadness and guilt. Let’s not forget the blame and regrets. Meanwhile, most of what happens in our life are situations that are far beyond our control. But yet, we take on the sins of our surroundings.
I had to ask myself some very valuable questions:
How will I ever improve if I keep looking back to judge myself?
How will I ever free my thoughts if I continue to feed them?
If I am to improve then I have to improve my thinking.
But how?
Of course, there’s always someone coming around with some great suggestion; as if pain is simple and fears are only irrational. There’s always someone looking to say, “Just let that go,” with the idea that my tragedy or my trauma is somehow unwarranted.
The one thing I know about crisis is this; a person is in crisis when they think, feel or say they are. I understand that my opinion here is irrelevant. I understand that life is relative. So are feelings, thoughts or beliefs. I learned this lesson during a class for one of my mental health credentials. A crisis to me might be simple to you. And the same goes for you to me.
I had to learn to remove judgment and let go of my personal biases. Now, of course this is easy when it comes to doing this for others. It’s easy to be helpful when someone else is in crisis.
Moreover, I had to learn this is true about myself. I had to learn ways to let go of my personal persecution. There is no more right or wrong. There is no more judgment. Aside from the benefits of acceptance and the growth it takes to forgive one’s self; I had to learn that my past is unalterable. I had to learn a new connection and new pathways of thinking. Otherwise, the mind goes back to the same ideas. This means the same connections, the same stimulants and the same predictions that kept me stuck.
I am a work in progress.
We all are.
My progress starts now. I have this moment. I have you. I have the sun coming up. I have places to go, things to do and people to see. Yesterday is gone and I am not there anymore.
I have pardoned myself from what has been and to move forward, I am allowing myself to experience new things and enjoy new occasions.
Otherwise, I am stuck.
And I don’t want to be stuck. Not again. Not now.
Not ever . . .
The Written Addiction 