How Far Is Love

It’s crazy to think how we are more than 93 million miles away from the sun, and yet, we still feel the heat. It’s crazy to think about our distance from the sun or how long it takes to revolve around it. And then there’s Mars, which is even farther away. It’s cold on Mars. Then again, Mars is about 141 million miles away from the sun. So, it’s pretty safe to say that winter’s on Mars must be a bitch.
Space is interesting to me. And I don’t mean space as in outer space. No, I mean the space between time and distance. I mean the way we feel, which, no matter how far we are or no matter how long it’s been, still, we can feel the warmth of someone we love. 

I didn’t mention this to you the other day. Maybe my mind was elsewhere. Maybe I have too much happening at once. Or, maybe I forgot to look at the calendar. Either way, The Old Man would have turned 92 this year. His birthday is May 28. Come to think of it; it will be 32 years this coming December. That’s a long time. That’s 11,680 days since I’ve seen my Father or heard his voice.

They say the average person walks approximately two miles per day. I’m not sure if this is accurate. At least, not for me. I think it is safe to say that I can more than double two miles in a day. I could easily say that I average walking about five or maybe six miles each day.
But let’s keep this simple. Let’s say double. So, in 32 years since the death of my Old Man, I have walked and wondered, say, a respectable 46,720 miles since December 29, 1989.

I have walked around and searched to find where I belong. I have circled back, moved in, packed up and then moved out again. I have doubled back more than once. Perhaps this is because no matter how far we travel, a piece of us will always go back home.
Perhaps this is primal. Maybe this is why the last, most common words on a man’s deathbed is Mom, Mommy, or whichever version our earliest memory relates to our Mother.

It’s crazy to think how days can pass and time can move. No matter how close I am, sometimes, I swear it’s like we’re millions of miles away. This is not just with The Old Man. I can say this about a lot of people I love. I can say this about my dreams. I can say this about my goals and my hopes. I can say about a lot of things.

There are times when it seems as if I am in space, drifting, floating and hoping the universe lands me someplace close to my target. Still, it’s just like the sun. I might be millions of miles away but I know I can still feel the warmth.
I know it’s been a long time.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve heard The Old Man’s voice. I remember Mom found one of his little tape recorders. The Old Man used this when he went out to estimate construction jobs. Mom told me she would listen to this sometimes. She heard his voice and listen to him talk about the jobs and the job sites.
I’m not sure what happened to the little recorder. I’m not sure if it broke or if Mom lost it. Come to think of it, I am six days away from the date when I lost Mom
I lost Mom on June 10, 2015. In total, this means it will be around 2,190 days since the last time I saw Mom. We hadn’t spoken for a few days before this. She was in the hospital, which was nothing new. It’s amazing though, right?
Time refuses to stop or pause. It’s amazing to me. Time moves much faster than we think. 

I’ve walked more than 8,760 miles since Mom passed. I’ve walked and moved and grown. Either way, life keeps happening. Time keeps moving and in the huge spectrum of this thing called our universe, we are so infinitely small and so terribly quick, like a cosmic flash. 

I am so tiny and small, and yet, no matter where I am or how far away I might seem; I know what my love is. I know that my hopes are brighter than the sun. I know that as for Mom; there is nothing so strong as a Mother’s love, which means like the universe, Mom’s love is infinite.

I can feel it.

I know there is no such thing as stillness. We are always moving and constantly changing. I know that the sunrise and the sunset will come but none will ever take on the same appeal. Each day, each moment and each memory has its own science. We all have our own science. 
I have read that every cell in our body is replaced every seven years. This means that at 48, my body has completely changed nearly seven times. This means I am constantly growing and constantly shedding skin. Yet still, no matter what changes may come, no matter how far I roam, my love is my love and like the sun, I know I will always feel it when I need to keep me warm.

This means no matter where I go, no matter how far away I might  seem, no matter how long or how many miles I travel, not even time or space can stop the way we reach each other.

I’m not sure where it is but somewhere, there’s a home movie with The Old Man. I can still see him. He was wearing a blue baseball hat, which was almost sideways. We were in the backyard. There were people over. It was a party. I can see him, The Old Man. He was sitting down with a friend and eating a drumstick, which seemed to be huge at the time. The Old Man had a few beers in him.
Everyone was so goddamned young and happy. If I’m not mistaken, this was somewhere around the time when I was in fifth or maybe sixth grade. It was summer. The world was different both figuratively, literally, and of course, cellularly too 

It’s amazing to me, this thing about time and space because as far as I am since then and as far away as this memory seems; I can feel it. I can feel a rush underneath my skin.
This is love.
See what I mean about love and the warmth of the sun?
No matter how far away it is; nothing can stop its reach.
Even a star in the sky, no matter how small, the light still comes through.

By the way, the sun is the closest star. The second closest star is called Proxima Centauri, which is only a mere four light-years away. There are six trillion miles in a light year.
Now, for the record, a light year is the astronomical distance that light travels in one year. Light moves 186,000 miles per second. So, this means the second closest star is about 24 trillion miles away and yet, we can see the stars in the sky.
I say my love for all is exactly like this; infinite, ever-reaching, ever-expanding, and ever so powerful that not even time, space, nor distance can stop me from reaching me, them, us

or you.

One thought on “How Far Is Love

  1. So beautifully expressed. I had such vivid memories of my Dad today. I thought of how young he was when he left Holland in 1938 at 18 years and if those final weeks as he lay dying of cancer in early 1985. I feel his love. My Mum passed in 2017 2 years after yours. Their love surrounds us so strongly some days it makes me cry so this post super resonates for me. ❤

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