A Definition of Self

There is so much more beneath the surface. And sometimes, we barely scratch it. There is more to us all than meets the eye. There is more to us, such as the unspoken or the uncovered, the undiagnosed, or the unaddressed parts of our life, which we’d prefer to keep hidden Ah, but the mind is such an incredible place.
We remember far more than we think. This is the storage unit where pasts behind the eyes of each and every one of us. 
There is more to us all. There is more to our fears and there is more to the ideas of our loneliness than simply being alone.  In fact, lonesomeness is not always synonymous with the lack of company. As a matter of fact some of the loneliest places I have ever been are places where I was absorbed by a crowd.
But no one talks about things like this. No one really speaks openly or honestly. No one dares to be truthful about themselves because why? Is it too raw? Is it too real?

What if the truth were no longer a threat? What if we were no longer hinged to our trained assumptions that we’ve been programmed to believe? Better yet, would we even believe something like this is possible?

I found an old note that I wrote to myself. My memory of this note was triggered by a picture I saw with a gray background. There was nothing else, except the word Endure with a definition beneath it.
“To withstand with courage.”
I thought about my note to self. To Endure: to hold on, to continue, to keep going and to persist above all; to remain, to be you, no matter what. 
Beneath this, I wrote, “Now, keep this in your pocket, kid. 
And don’t you forget it”

I am this note.
I am my memory, which is not always accurate and not always true. I am the remnants of my past which have taught me different ways to defend myself; and therefore, previously, I am the ghost of my oldest battles. I am the scars and the memories. I am the sum, the core and the root of all my equations.

I am the one whom I trusted least and thus, I gave my trust away too cheaply or too easily; as if to hope that my company could somehow increase my value. Meanwhile, I never realized that value comes from within.
I am the inaccuracy and the deception of my perception. I know that I have said this countless times. However, I remind myself because the mind has a way of falling back into old lies and old pasts that no longer exist. In truth, they call this habit. This is where the mind connects us to old repetitions. Old patterns are habitual. So are lies and self-destructive patterns. In fairness, I am this too. At least, I used to be.

I am a man. I am a boy. I am a kid with his dog, hoping to explore. I am a classmate. I am the one who was picked on and bullied and beaten. I am a lost child. I am the rebel. I am the scapegoat and the mascot, all rolled into one.
I am someone who passed the torch and hazed others the same as others hazed me. I am the scars in my skin and the scars in my heart. I am all of this and yet, I am so much more because more than this; I am the awareness that I am the ability of change.

I am the one who hid in plain sight. I am the one who learned different ways to isolate out loud and in front of everyone. I am the sum of my self-fulfilled prophecies.
I am the outcome of self-abuse, self-harm and self-destructive behavior. I am all of this and more because I am also my recovery. I am my rehabilitation. I am my solution, my redemption, my savior and friend. I am all of this because I have to be. Elsewise, I am the opposite. Otherwise, I am only the sum of my fears and my programmed beliefs. I am my own course of evolution and change. Otherwise, I am nothing but more of the same. 

This is me. 
No one looks at a person and sees everything. We only see what the eyes allow and thus; we only hear what the ears choose to listen to.
Whether or not I am received, accepted, appreciated or understood is actually meaningless. At the core of my being and the core of my heart and soul; I am the light that will shine my way. No one else can do this for me.
I am the choice between my intimidations or my victories to overcome them.
I am my protector. I am my hero. I am the only one that can see what I see and feel what I feel; and therefore; if this is up to me, then let me embrace me for who I am. Otherwise, I will only be rejected. 

I am hope. I am a friend. I am a builder and planner. I am an achiever. I am a creator and a dreamer. I am capable and able. I am all of this and more because I am the secret to my endurance. I am the strategy and the plans that will ultimately achieve my goals.

I am no threat to myself. Nor is my past a threat to me because my past is gone. Even when someone looks to remind me of my wrongs or my downfalls; even if someone looks to point at my flaws or my defects and tell me about every mistake I’ve ever made; my past is gone and none of this lives unless I feed it or give it air.
My future is waiting for me,. This means I am the road, the way, the journey and the truth of it all; I am the captain of my destiny and whether I change my course or switch my destination is entirely up to me. 

One goal above all is to be comfortable in my own skin. I work at this on a daily basis. Another is to pardon my judgments and allow myself to part from my cocoon, to spread my wings and prepare to fly. Another goal is to allow me the freedom to try, to build and to create without being critical.
My aim is to gain personal accountability; to improve, and to allow myself the opportunity to make mistakes. My target and objective is to understand that I make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make me. So, therefore, I no longer have to hold myself to old standards that suggested I was nothing more than incapable.

My goal is to build a better language and personal dialogue. I want to stop the doubts and the rhetorical self-talk and train myself into a better realm of thinking. And therefore, if the old saying is true, “I think, therefore I am,” then I will allow myself to be the sum of my own story. I will allow myself to be a hero, a man, a person in this world and however small I might be, I am a part of this universe. In which case. nothing can ever destroy me.

Unless I allow it.

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