It is a few moments before sunrise –
I am looking through a window
and tracking the vague moments before the sunlight.
It is dark and the sky is about to bloom,
which is good
The moments of autumn are underway and soon,
the world around me will cool
and the leaves will change.
I am somewhere in the middle of nowhere,
or at least it seems.
Better yet, I am somewhere familiar
yet the world is allowed to be strange to me.
I am somewhere in uncharted territories;
wondering about new beginnings
anticipating the old endings
which are in front of me now
and about to take place.
But how?
I come here to pour my heart out.
So, I might as well get started.
There is no reason to pose
or pretend or to act. Not now
Not here and not with you.
The sky, the clouds, the moon
which hung around to see the sunrise –
they’re all the same to me now.
Cyclical. Changing. Carrying us from one day
to the next
The winds that blow and the smell of the air;
I can tell that a change is about to take place.
I know it is.
There are small or subtle things
that we notice each day and maybe some days,
we tilt our head to the side a little bit
and then we’ll make a curious expression and think,
“That’s weird.”
There are times in the aftermath of our events
when we come to a moment of realization –
and then we’re like, “Ah, now I understand.”
I think that the way we see each other changes.
I think the way we need each other changes too
And by this, I don’t mean you per-se,
or at least not you, personally.
What I mean is we go through changes.
We grow. We move in different directions
and while I grant that no one wants to hurt anyone
(or be hurt) or lose a friend,
I can see the division between people
or why we move in a different direction
There is the idea that goes
when people show you who they really are,
believe them.
Then again, belief is a strange thing,
which is not to say that belief is always believable
at least not to the bystander
or to someone else who doesn’t see what we see.
There is also the idea
that we are all here to fill a purpose;
sometimes, the purpose is to define our growth
or at minimum, our purpose is to learn
who we choose to take walks with
or who we should pass on
just to keep our sanity
It is Monday, September 5, 2022.
I have something coming my way yet
I have no idea what this means.
I have a life which is about to change.
I have fears of the excess
and fears of the changes
that are about to take place.
I have the ability to sit with you now
and discuss this without forgetting this:
The base of my existence is the need or the drive.
No, wait, The base of my existence is to define my purpose
which gives me a reason
I have the desire and the passion
and the yearning to be something –
Something more than just being me
which I have never dared to be
(not yet).
My usual diagram and roadmaps have changed
or they’ve been muted somehow
and like a line that’s run off the page,
I am searching for a new place.
I’m looking for a new platform, a train ride,
a trip, a moment of Zen, a good bowl of soup
or a moment of awareness
in which I can put down the tools
and sit or relax.
I see the world as a collision course
of either forced entries or contrived introductions.
I see that people are “on” and acting “as if”
I can see why people choose to relocate.
I can see why people move under an assumed name
or why the coast of Maui
or the unknown sections of imaginary towns
are suitable to me.
I can see why I have that fantasy of me
driving with the top down in a red convertible,
driving with the sea to the left of me
and the land on my right;
the road is empty and the wind is blowing through my hair.
There’s a beat-up and faded
brown leather satchel in the passenger seat
which is next to me and inside this
is where I keep my notes to you.
It’s just a mental vacation. That’s all
A brief interlude. A section of time
misplaced and happily uninvolved
or better yet – detached,
which is not an insult to you
or anyone else – it’s just a moment to regroup.
I can see where the pressure seeps in.
I can see why people lose their minds on a daily basis.
Yet,
I can see why the time I have with you
is so valuable to me.
We live in a mismatched world.
We live in places where people are at odds.
Everything seems to be an argument.
Politics is the new religion and everyone –
I mean absolutely everyone – has an opinion.
People are far from genuine
and rarely share their true, authentic self.
By the way, what is that anyway?
Does anyone really know who they are?
Does anybody really know who I am?
Do I?
Or,
is it better to say that we are always learning,
constantly evolving,
changing from one form to the next;
meanwhile, here we are in the transition of things.
We are like the moment between inhale and exhale
which is the only time the body is still – but only for a second –
and then just like that, we’re on the move again.
I think Ferris was right. Life does move pretty fast
I cannot see too deeply into the future
because, well . . .
obviously,, there are too many factors in the way.
But, I can see now.
I can see the sunrise and the colors of the sky,
which are no longer vague.
I can understand the stages of change
which is no different from the stages of dawn or early light.
Eventually, the sun comes up.
Eventually, everything becomes clear.
Eventually, the new light from the new sun
will send shafts of sunlight
right where we need them to be.
Whether this is in the city
or the country between the reeds near a pond;
or whether this is somewhere far away,
unknown or unfamiliar,
or if this is in front of us, right here and right now
either way, I know there is a purpose.
I know that my purpose is out there.
I know that there’s something waiting for me.
I know that the moment to dare or to stand up
or take the next step is approaching.
I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.
Believe me, I have.
The sun is up now.
The sky is shaded with a mixture of soft gray clouds,
which is fine for me.
I don’t mind this at all.
It fits because the moment is beautiful – just like you are
and just like I want to be – always.
The Written Addiction 