I can’t see it. At least, not really
It’s like I can’t see the wall, the hand in front of my face,
or the life before my eyes.
There’s so much in the middle,
like the way it is in the middle of Times Square,
say like, when the ball drops on New Year’s
or the way it is at the intermission at an off-Broadway play
when everyone takes to the street for a smoke or a breath of fresh air.
More than when I’ve walked through the confusion of the crowds
and more than when the crowds cheer in auditoriums;
I have found myself in groups of the masses trying to find my way,
to navigate or meander or trying to find out
where I’m supposed to be (or who)
Then again, there are times when everything is so clear –
like an untouched lake, crystal, beautiful in fact and there I am,
exactly where I’m supposed to be.
There are times when the sight is not blurry but clear
and there’s no harm or foul.
There’s nothing but the world before my eyes.
There’s no fear or worries, anxiety, or anticipation.
There’s only a goal, a plan and a strategy to achieve them
It’s strange though. There are times when all is fine
and there is an eeriness to the quiet; as if I’m waiting;
as if something is in the mail or as if something is coming my way –
and I don’t know what it is;
as if there’s something heading my way and I can feel it in my bones
or beneath my skin
and the impending doom is lurking in the dark,
hovering like an unwanted guest.
There are times when, for whatever reason,
the fog lifts and the threat of an impending doom is gone.
I am not afraid. I am not wondering what will come next.
My calmness is unaffected and the plans ahead of me
are undisturbed and carried out without distraction.
There are times when all is well
and times when the unwellness of the mind
intercepts the validity of my thinking
There are times when my balance is unmoved
and times when I am unsettled; yet,
there are times when the distinction is clear
and other times when there is no distinction –
There’s only worry or fear.
So, this is what it’s like to live with the ups and downs of anxiety.
I cannot always tell which way the winds blow
I cannot change the choices of my past
nor am I able to accurately predict the future.
All I can do is learn to decipher between the two
All I can do is learn to move from one side of energy to the next
or make the decision on whether I move forward
or give in and live in fear
and stay behind
The Written Addiction 