I will leave this here and let this be enough for now. I will leave this with you as my witness and say that yes, there are things I wish I could see again. There are times I wish I could relive. If it were possible, there are memories that I wish I could change or readjust.
There are remnants from my past that are unresolved yet I have created a system of living and programs for my future because these are the steps I take to resolve the remnants of my past.
I am like you, a work in progress. I have a history and a present. If I learn to use both of them wisely, I have the ability to create a better future for myself. That’s what this is about. This is why I am up early, every day. This is why I work the hours I work. This is why I’ve tried to develop as a person and as a professional. This is it.
This is my purpose.
I am at a place, which is the here and now – and, of course, this is where I am. Where else could I be?
More importantly, where I am is a combination of where I’ve come from and what I’ve seen. This is a mix between experience and interpretation.
I can say this – I have seen some beautiful things. I have seen incredible places and met incredible people.
I have lived lifetimes and, at the same time, I’m still living the same life.
I have seen people resurrect themselves from a lifeless plane of existence and become bigger than their dreams. I have seen the mighty fall and watched them hit bottom. I have seen what happens when pride gets in the way.
I have been part of the slingshot effect. I have experienced the ebbs and flows, the ups and downs and, yes, there are times when I look back at who I was and what I was doing. Yes – I’ve often wondered what the hell was I thinking?
It is safe to say that I have grown and changed.
Then again, we all grow and change. It is safe to say there are times when I backslide. It’s safe to say that there are times when I’ve regressed and there are times when I forgot my own worth.
But like I said, I am only human. I’m only a man.
I’m a person who is learning. At times, there are moments of awareness when all of a sudden, I can see.
There are times of awakening; in which case, I’ve opened my eyes and wondered that same damned question.
“What the hell was I thinking?”
Out of all I’ve learned in my life, I know that what I’ve learned most is that not everyone will see things the same as I see them. I know that even as my witness, you might have a different interpretation of my events.
Some might say that beauty equates to a bitter-sweet emotion. Others might say that the truth is troublesome and that being honest and raw is an unwanted trait. But me, I call this integrity.
I say there is nothing wrong with being honest about your thoughts or feelings. In fact, the only thing wrong would be to deny one’s self their absolute truth. By speaking the truth, this doesn’t mean something is wrong.
No, on the contrary. this means your doing something right because at least you’re open enough to look and see.
Some people never dare to see the truth. Instead, they live with blinders on and they just pretend.
But me, I’d rather be honest about myself than hide from my truths.
Being honest means at least you know better.
This means at least you’re looking to better yourself instead of hide behind an excuse.
I know that thoughts, ideas and feelings are unique to us all.
What I see is what I see and what you see is what you see.
I know this.
This is why I have offered this journal for you to see. You can interpret this in any way you choose. Besides, this is out there now. There’s no bringing it back. I’m exposed and that’s fine.
I know that words have meaning. I know that meanings can vary too.
For example, the way we use the word “friend.”
I know what a friend is to me. I know what this means yet even the dictionary has more than one definition for the word friend.
I know what love is. I know what trust means. I know that whether we stand or fall, the world will still go around.
I know that time can either be a favor or it can be merciless. However, our relation to time and our relation to the world can either be one of two things – either we live or we exist. Either we move forward and go ahead or we remain as we are, stagnant and always wishing.
I know that in this life; it is always best to match intensity. I learned this from someone a while back: Always match intensity. I learned to match investments. I learned to match relationships.
I’ve learned to keep from the one-sidedness of one-way people who go around and live their one-way lives. I say this because the outcomes will usually end up the same. One-Way . . .
I have learned that life consists of give and take. Some people, well, they like to take.
Some people prefer to give but me, I prefer an even trade.
This way we can both prosper at the same time.
I have learned not to put anyone up on a pedestal. I’ve learned that this does nothing but put people above me.
See what I mean?
I’ve also learned that this reflects a shadow on my worth. As for my worth, throughout my life I have learned that my value can be degraded by spending time in the wrong places. I’ve learned that my investments in people are as valuable as money in the bank. Since this is true, I have learned that I have to invest wisely. I’ve learned to steer away from the fallacies that everyone plays fairly or that to gain in my relationships, I have to invest more – just to get something in return.
As I’ve said to you throughout this entire journal, I am a real person, faults and all. I have secrets and sins. I have mistakes. I have regrets. I have moments and memories that will stay with me until the end of my days.
But more, I have this.
I have my journals. I have my written confessions, peace treaties, mission statements and lists of hopes and dreams.
My hopes are that these will last longer than me.
Come to think of it:
Someone told me to write my dreams down. I was told this a long time ago in a life which doesn’t even seem like mine anymore.
I was told to write my dreams down because once I do this, now they’ve become goals.
I say this and I’ve seen this suggestion resurface countless times in my social media feeds.
So, before I take credit as if this quite is mine, please let me offer this –
I have been asked where I get this stuff from. Well, some of my material comes from real-life experience. Some are thoughts that come from my interpretation of what I see.
As a writer, I’ve been asked if I am a creator or do I simply learn and recirculate information.
In all fairness to the truth, the answer is both. I am a learner as well as a teacher.
I’m like a transfer switch – and what I mean is yes, I’ve passed on what I’ve learned.
I’ve created my own thoughts as well because the last thing I ever want to do is plagiarize anything.
Secondly, this idea I have of me writing to you every day; this is very real to me.
This is all I have because this is everything to me.
The last thing I want to do is destroy or damage its integrity.
I have spent decades trying to figure out this thing we call life. I’ve spent years trying to become something more than what my limitations might have suggested.
Each day when I come here to find you, I sit here for a while.
I write to you. I offer my thoughts and my dreams.
I open up without hesitation. I have been brave here and vulnerable as well.
I have been every part of me in these journals and someday, maybe not now or soon – but someday, someone will open this right at this page and maybe this will inspire them.
Maybe someone will come to their own moment of awareness.
So, as I close this journal, I think about the answer to the question:
What the hell was I thinking?
The common answer that we usually hear is: I don’t know.
We’ve all said this.
Why did you do that?
I don’t know.
The truth is we do know.
We are all more in-tuned with our minds than we think.
Sometimes we don’t want to see the truth.
Sometimes we don’t want to admit to it.
Sometimes we’re just reacting to the truth.
Sometimes we do something so harsh
And then what?
Then we look back and shake our head.
Then we ask ourselves, “What the hell was I thinking?”
But deep down, we know.
We know what we’re doing.
And we know why too.
Maybe that will be my next journal.
But that’s the next one.
For now, I’ll close this one here . . .
and leave this with you.