Here’s a little introduction to a journal that will be based on the ever-popular question known as: What the hell were you thinking?
The answers to this will range from “I don’t know” to, “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
Now, in all fairness, I am certainly not the first person to journal about this. I definitely won’t be the last. However, I will be writing about this common question. This comes from a question that I asked in the closing of my last journal.
What the hell was I thinking?
Sometimes the answer is I wasn’t thinking.
Or maybe the truth is rooted deeper than the surface. Maybe there’s a reason for my responses and yes, maybe some of these reasons are subconscious. Maybe there’s a combination here of selfish regard, wants or maybe I did what I did to honor a need, thought, fear or a want.
Sometimes, some of the things we do are either so crazy, careless, sneaky or downright wrong! Or, even to us, there are things that we do which are so completely bizarre that you have stop and ask yourself:
“What the hell was I thinking.”
I knew someone who told me a story about his brand new watch. Watches were big in his home.
He told his friend about his new watch. He said that it was absolutely scratch proof.
His friend said that this wasn’t true.
Uh-huh, said the kid with the brand new watch.
Nah-uh, said his friend who didn’t believe him
Now, I might be paraphrasing a bit or possibly inaccurate in a slight regard.
But here’s what happened…
This story takes place in the garage of a family home. This is where the boy with the watch lived.
This was his garage and as bad luck would have it, this is where his father kept his tools, a vice and a table grinder with a grinding wheel on a table.
“Scratch-proof, huh?”
“Prove it,” said the friend who didn’t believe in the scratch-proof watch.
The boy dared his friend to turn on the grinder and see if the glass (or crystal) on the face of the watch was truly scratch-proof.
Like any other kid who was dared to do something stupid, the young owner of a brand new scratch-proof watch took the dare.
Unfortunately, the watch did not hold up too well.
The father who loved and valued watches so much that he decided to include his son with this love – so, after buying a moderately expensive watch for a teenage boy – the father literally lost his mind when he learned about the mishap.
YOU DID WHAT?
What do you think the follow up question was?
“WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!?!”
I assume this was followed with:
“ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!”
What would you expect his son’s answer was in return?
“I don’t know.”
I think it is safe to say that we all have moments like this. We all have moments when we think or believe that we have to prove something to someone. Sometimes, I think there are times when we buy into a piece of information so deeply that we believe everything about the truth in our head.
Meanwhile, we forget that everything has a limitation, exclusion or an exception to the rule.
But we believe and therefore we have to defend. Right?
Wrong!
I think there are times when pride comes into play. I think there are times when our subconscious guts become twisted and so overwhelmed or short-circuited that we forget our own logic (or the lack thereof).
Now . . .
I myself have never grinded a watch. But I have done my fair share of things where either it was my Old Man, someone else, or even myself who’ve had to asked, “What the hell were you thinking.”
Many times the answer was “I don’t know.”
But I do know.
Maybe I thought I was right . .
Maybe there’s an answer at times which is far less complex or innocent (or ignorant).
I might not like the answer to the question.
I might not want to be in touch with the truth behind this answer.
But if we look deeper than the surface or if we have the ability to be honest with ourselves, we most certainly know why we do what we do.
It’s the answer that scares us.
Also, the answer that might declare a short sighted or selfish regard.
So yes, we do know. We might wish we didn’t know.
Or, maybe we want to pretend like we don’t know. If we do know, this would lead to accountability
which means we’d have to do as my good friend Fran always told me:
Fess up when you mess up!
In the upcoming entries, I am planning to expose some humbling, yet funny and perhaps embarrassing moments in my life. Some of them will be sappy and some will be heartfelt while others will be sad. But hey, at least this will all be honest.
My aim here is to better my own understanding by dissecting my personal inventory and creating an honest diagram to understand the momentum behind my character flaws.
This will also help us map out ways to improve or to be just a little better – or at least a little better than before.
This way, we can cut down on the times when we had to ask ourselves, “What the hell was I thinking?”
Get ready, this one is going to be interesting.
(I hope!)
The Written Addiction 