They say the mind is just a record of the past.
But if the past is gone then we have to let this go
or do we?
I find there are times which have failed to be released
and me, I find myself diving into the unnecessary.
I find myself recounting the past or relitigating
something that is otherwise unchangeable
By the way, I think there’s a word for this.
I believe they call it . . .
Some things need to be let go of
or put in the wind
But yet, they stick with us
And so today,
I find myself at a promising turning point
I find myself with an excellent option
which is this –
I can let go now.
I find myself in an interesting space;
whereas, I don’t regret my yesterdays, at least
not the way I used to.
I don’t regret as much
as I wished that I paid more attention to them.
This way, I’d have learned
what to look for
before repeating my history.
Maybe this is why I take notes now
Had I done this before, perhaps,
I’d remember the details of
the smiles I never saw again
or the laughter I grew accustomed to
but took for granted.
I’d remember the warning signs
that I ignored
or the times I cursed myself
for not paying attention to the red flags along the way.
And let’s not pretend like we never see them
We’ve all been warned before.
Let’s not pretend
like we never walked into things
with our eyes wide open . . .
and just because we decided not to see something,
it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t there.
We just had better hopes.
We just wanted the package
to be full
by any means necessary
So . . .
We signed on the dotted line.
I can’t say that if I had the chance,
I would do it all again,
exactly the same
because I wouldn’t.
Not at all
And who would?
I can tell you what I would have done differently
now which is, of course,
calling the plays after the fact; in which case,
this means hindsight is always 20/20,
which is no different from someone on the sidelines
watching the game from the stands
and calling the next morning
to tell you where you went wrong
I can’t say that I live with regret; however,
I can say that there are times
when I wished I learned my lesson
instead or repeating them
I wished I paid more attention
to the unwanted or unfortunate outcomes
before recognizing that there I was,
Holy shit! I’m back in the saddle,
wondering to myself, how did this happen to me –
Yet, the irony is most times,
we place ourselves in the hands of fate
and seldom recognize
our involvement with how our life plays out.
I can say that more than regret
or more than the need to understand “Why,”
I find myself at a fortunate turning point
or at a moment of awareness;
whereas, in this moment of clarity,
I can see where the deception of my perception
has misled me before
or caused me to believe
Yesterday was just a lesson.
Time is the teacher and, yes, like most teachers
if you do something wrong,
they make you do it again
until you get it right
or learn the winning move
which is “not to play.”
Sometimes . . .
Man, it’s hard to wrap my head
around the concepts of letting go.
Sometimes . . .
It’s hard to understand the way life is.
People can baffle me. Life can confuse me.
The trickles of raindrops on the roof,
which is happening right now,
can make me think.
But that’s not a bad thing,
at least not now
I don’t mind my yesterdays anymore,
at least not like I used to.
I have chosen to leave my past where it is.
I have chosen to find my amends
which I’ve extended to act as a document
which settles the disputes from my past.
I have learned something incredible
which is this -.
Life is a lesson
Fear is an excellent motivator
and pain can be a scary thing
Sometimes, we go down the wrong path.
Maybe we’ll trip. Maybe we’ll fall.
Maybe we hurt or maybe we hope,
“Hey, maybe things will be different this time.”
And maybe they will be . . .
that is, if we’re mindful of what we’ve learned
our actions are like signed contracts
we forget to check for the fine print.
I know what happens when we poke the bear . . .
. . . or kick it
. . . or punch it
I know what happens
when I back myself into corners.
I’ve done this before . . .
Someone told me about the actions we take.
The question asked:
What was going on before all this took place?
What was happening?
What were you thinking?
What were your fears?
What were your anxieties?
Where were you emotionally?
The questions led me to answer for my actions
or, at minimum, to understand them.
I have learned that anxious thinking
leads to anxious decisions
and anxious decisions lead us to anxious outcomes.
By the way, there’s a name for this –
It’s called emotional thinking.
Sometimes . . .
The little kid in us screams for attention.
Like a kid, pissed off while shopping with Mom
Sometimes, the monsters in our head
are the same as the monsters under the bed
and so, we give in to our fears
and we respond to them –
We sensationalize the worst
and catastrophize the inevitable
We make our thoughts real
we respond in a way
that our confusion makes sense.
We think, therefore, “It is!”
which is why we move
we act “as if”
our self-fulfilled prophecy comes true
(and we find ourselves alone)
This is why we push people away.
This is where the passive/aggressive moves come from
I don’t mind my yesterdays,
at least not as much as I used to.
However, there are times
when I wish I paid more attention.
Maybe this way,
I would know more about what to hold onto
Or more importantly,
what to let go of . . .