I go back to those dreams again,
in my youth, but not young yet
I am somewhere at a place where
I experienced somewhat of a rebirth,
like life coming back to us or
like springtime, when the northern hemisphere
comes alive again
and all that was wilted and gray,
returns to color.
I say that I experienced a rebirth here;
as if to be born again yet
I am not here to convince anyone
of the birth of God
or the rebirth of my spiritual nature –
nor am I here to express a special supplication
with the Lord, Almighty, as a moment of clarity
or a state of sanctity
anything like that.
No . . .
I am here to say that we are phases,
we are chapters and pages
one unfolding and one closing
another beginning while something else
Along the way, we have places in our life,
we live through moments
and we connect these occasions
with special landmarks where the physical atmosphere
embodies a soulful moment
of personal redemption.
I go back to those dreams of me in the palm of the mountains,
Upstate, New York, and away from the world I knew
or grew up around.
I go back to a hill, which is basically
undisturbed by the public interest.
I go back to the field, on a farm
which is like a scene
from where I imagine peace would reside,
if peace were a person, that is.
I go back to the tall grass, wheat-like and gentle,
and how the breeze can blow
causing the grass to bend and sway in peaceful unison.
There are no subways here.
No rushing world, moving too fast.
No winos, no junkies,
no police, no violence
or crimes against the greater good
I go back to the hill,
which, in its elevation,
was a view that spans, panoramic in its entirety,
and around this place were other mountains,
covered with trees
and the shades of color in the distance
or the variations of hues
which makes up the character of nature;
the green from the forests,
the vividness of blue from the sky
and the cloudless nature of a beautiful spring day,
no clouds, no harm done,
no threats and no worries,
and no internal violence or the inertia of hate
or the anticipation of anxiety.
I was a kid here and
I also became a young man here.
I grew here. I saw the winters here and the summers too.
I saw myself on the verge of a transformation
And, as well,
I went through a personal exorcism,
whereas the demons of my old soul,
purged and somewhat voluntarily left
and in exchange for the burden of hate,
I surrendered myself
to the birth of a new beginning.
I go back to this place,
which is a physical embodiment
of my first, truly impactful moment.
I lost myself here yet
I gained the motion of moving towards a new destiny;
therefore, by altering my fate,
I allowed myself
the right to depart from the pain
and step one foot closer to the heart of the sun.
I dropped all the trinkets of my past and all of the symbols
which previously defined me cut up, scars and all,
and here it was
that I gave away the visible and invisible stains
which never seemed to go away before.
I gave it up here.
where it was safe
I am humble here.
I am like a child, returning home to visit The Great Mother,
Mother Earth, the love of the land,
the heart of the world and in all of my humility,
I bow my head and confess myself here
(because I can).
I am still healing and perhaps,
maybe we’re all healing (still).
I go back to this place as a means of hope
or as a cause for redemption where,
in this place, my secrets are unimportant
and my sins are disregarded.
Therefore, I am cleansed
or should I say absolved?
I can lay down my swords and the weights of my shields.
I can let my struggles escape through the winds
and up high, where the wide-winged birds
circle the sky and hover, almost motionlessly, regally
and perfectly, I can allow them to fly away with my shame
so it’s gone . . .
I can feel the wind and the sun on my face
to act like the hand of The Great Mother, Herself,
whisking the hair away from my face,
as if to say, “It’s okay, son. You’re home now.”
I go back to this place of reverence
as well as a place of change, of solace,
of comfort in hard times, of freedom, of abandon,
of a great resurrection of self, of release and thus,
I come back here to a place
where I said goodbye to the shames of my crimes
and the loss of my past.
I go back to this place as a version of comfort
to heal, to remember that not all was so tragic;
that in the events of change and growth,
while pain is part of the process,
the blossom of my life is something
that not only defied the odds or the predictions that were set for me;
but more, this place
is where I bled my last droplets of an old lifestyle.
I passed through the gates of change here.
I let go of the sins from the streets
and the wrongs of my aggression.
I can see myself here, as I was,
scared and new to a world
that had not been clear to me.
I go back to the fears and the revelations
of what had happened
and the unwanted hands that touched me
or my life.
I go back to the rebirth of touch
and the experience of redeeming self –
to let go –
to purge –
to be absolved and more –
to be free from the servitude
or the personal slavery of self.
I bring you here because this is as private
and as personal and as intimate
as opening up the door to my innermost self.
I have no place more special or personal
and vulnerable as this.
I have nothing to hide behind
because now you can see me as I am,
unarmed, scars and all,
uncovered, undecorated, raw as ever,
with nothing to defend my flaws
or the cracks in my façade
I go back to this place with an open heart,
bowing my head, humble,
almost as if to be in prayer
yet there is nothing prayerful or prayerless
about this place.
No, this has nothing to do with anything
other than at one point I was almost dead yet
somehow I turned around
and found a moment at the impasse.
I made a choice at the crossroad to take one step
or, if the mood fits right;
one could say that I took a leap of faith.
I’m not sure this had anything to do with faith, per se.
I think this was more about an internal soldier
who grew tired of losing to himself
or to the same battles.
I’d say this is more about
wanting to feel something better than
the lowness of life
without internal love.
I am no warrior and
I know what my battles have taught me.
I am not a soldier
but I do have battle wounds,
both hidden and as visible
as these words before your face.
I know that I have seen things
which you or others
might call “Horrendous.”
At the same time,
I have never seen a place as impactful, as peaceful
or as beautiful as this one,
which is why I go back here –
to this old dream
where I was a kid on the verge of manhood.
I go back to the place
where I came to the decision to forfeit my past
so that, in turn, I can have a brighter future.
I am a child here, at any age,
Still growing, still learning
and still in need of love from
The Great Mother’s hand
I wish you could be here with me
I think you would like this place.
You would be welcomed here
like family . . .
I think if you saw this place
the same as I see it,
you might understand more about it
or you might see why it’s important
to me to report this,
and leave it here –