Today marks the start of a new year. However, whether this is the start of something new or more of the same, my life is on a special course, which means that I have work to do.
I have a job, which I call my day job. This is the job that pays my bills and keeps a roof over my head.
At the same time, I have a second job which pays me close to nothing at all.
Instead, this is the job that pays my heart.
Meanwhile, today is a day of truce.
This is the first day of the year 2024.
Imagine that?
Think about the way this sounds – 2024.
This is amazing to me.
It’s mind blowing when I think about this because time moves so quickly that life can pass us by. If we’re not careful, we could miss out on this.
Either way, I was up this morning because today is business as usual.
I woke up to the same responsibilities. I had to put both feet on the floor, take my daily medication, wash my face, brush my teeth and be out of the door so that I can make it to work on-time.
I have been making this very same trip for more than 31 years. Whether I have entered the City from the New York side of the East River or from the other side of the Hudson, I have been crossing bridges or taking tunnels into the heart of New York City for a very long time.
It’s amazing . . .
This morning was no different.
I woke up and did my daily thing. I took special care of my new friend, Little Chicken, the green Quaker parrot.
I fed her. I made sure she had water.
Gave her some treats –
I put on some gentle music and then let the television play a continuous loop of nature sounds, like birds of paradise, and that type of thing.
It is a new morning yet I am moving around and doing what I normally do on days like this.
It’s just work.
My mind switches into autopilot when I drive.
I know where I’m going but my body takes over without the need for the surface mind to offer its input.
I put the key in the ignition. I turn it. The car starts and then I go.
This is all habit to me now, which means my body knows what to do and how to go without the need for any deep thought.
I know which lane to drive in. I know which exit to get off and where to go in case the traffic backs up.
I know all of this.
However, my body seems to know this too which allows me to sink into my thoughts and almost slip into an alternate state of consciousness.
What I mean is I find myself at an almost detached plateau or mindful level of detached existence.
I am aware and maneuvering but my mind is elsewhere.
Either way, I found myself thinking about today and the close of this journal.
I was wondering what I would say to you, once I arrived.
I promised to close this with a truce to keep us together.
I was wondering what kind of truce we could make today.
What can we do to let go of all the unwantable details that came to us from the previous year?
What kind of truce could we make today so that we can move forward without living our life in the rearview mirror?
My goal is to close this journal with a pact we can we make to remove our old hassles and be better than we were last year.
I wonder . . .
What could we do to make our lives the way we want them to be?
How can we make our dreams come true?
How can we make our wishes come to life?
At minimum, how do we steer away from the same old bullshit that snagged us away from our happiest moments?
And of course, how do we make amends to ourselves so that we can start this over with a special round of forgiveness?
I like to ask these questions because this allows us to inspire thought.
I realize that while we sit here and wish for the best and pray for a change, life is still going to happen.
Fears will still be fears.
Taxes will still be taxes and people who sucked yesterday are probably still going to be an asshole tomorrow.
I’m not being cynical – but, I can say this is probably a safe bet.
I may or may not be equally as or more successful than I was last year.
I might have more to deal with.
My body may or may not agree with me this year.
Anything can happen; however, it is safe to say that life is partly mental and partly physical.
So, then how can we improve both.
I have been searching for at least a semblance of peace.
I want this.
I remember the first time I ever read words like this.
Someone else wrote this.
“A semblance of peace.”
No one owns these words, per se. However, others have written these exact words, which I love. So yes, this is my search too – a search for a semblance of peace.
How do we find peace and happiness when, in fairness, we live with news reports and constant flashes of emergency.
There’s always something happening. There’s always some kind of tragedy around us.
I found myself in Long Island City this morning. I’m not even sure how long it took me to get to this point in my trip.
My commute was the same route as it always was. Although, yes, traffic is certainly more agreeable on mornings like this one.
Most people are off for the holiday.
But not me. . .
“Not I, said the fly.”
I remember saying this when I was a kid.
Or “Not me, said the flea.”
I said that too.
I was heading over the 59th Street bridge which is one of my favorite crossings into NYC.
I like the way the City lights from the buildings explain that yes, the world is quiet but this is the City that never sleeps – and anywhere you look, there’s always something going on.
I want to make a truce with my unhappiness.
I want to find that avenue of peace in unpeaceful times.
I want to apologize one last time for the wrongs I have committed and for the acts which I condemn and last but not least, I want today to be the start of something new and promising – peaceful, of course, and brilliant, just like the new morning sun.
My City is alive but She is not always well.
And neither are we.
I was thinking about our truce.
I was thinking about what this day means to me and the historical value of a walk I used to talk with my Father when I was a boy.
I was thinking about how we can come to an agreement.
This is our way to work on moving forward instead of regarding every concept of “what took place” or “what could go wrong.”
I want to be better and move beyond my whereabouts, which at the time are not bad, per se.
I’m good. I’m doing okay.
But I do want more.
I want to find happiness, which is right here in the pockets of my mind, like a billfold held inside of a coat – I can pull this out at any given moment.
I want to find peace.
I want my dreams and I want my wishes to come true.
I know this takes work.
This takes skill as well.
This takes patience and tolerance, endurance, and more.
This means to find peace, we often have to fight for peace.
Weak of not. We cannot stop.
We have to fight for peace the same as we have to fight for our love, and for our loved ones, and for our right to be who we choose, to live as we choose, and with all things possible, we have to fight for the way we live, love, laugh and learn.
I say we have to fight because these things are valuable enough that we have to protect these rights to live better, each day
(together).
I do not want a life that is either still or stagnant, or lifeless or loveless.
I want to experience the daily thrill of love – even in all of its hardships and twists. I want love.
I want my life to be as it should be.
I want my heart to be where it belongs.
I want my ideas and dreams to be an equal priority. At the same time, I want to see you reach your best and experience your worst, and all the while – like it or not, I want to be right by your side because above all things, I do believe in the idea of “Ride or die!”
This means by any means and come what may – I will be there for you no matter what.
In my heart, not even death will let me die when it comes to you. No.
Not ever.
I will say the wrong things.
I will make mistakes.
I will walk away sometimes, but I will never leave you alone.
I promise you this.
I crossed over the bridge and saw my City after New Year’s Eve.
I could feel the remnants of last night’s celebration yet I am an old man now.
Or at least, so it seems.
I was in bed early, way before the ball dropped at midnight.
I was up early too.
Then again, this is nothing new.
I was trying to think about how I would reach you this morning.
What would I say?
What can I say?
How can I make things better?
Maybe I can’t.
Maybe at times, there is no “better” but instead, there is only the secret of endurance and the wherewithal that teaches me to keep going, “no matter what!” because despite the troubled times, the better times and the good will always outweigh the bad.
I was heading to my place of business and preparing myself to make my start. And there he was . . . a man was laying in the street.
He was on his side.
Two other men were crouching beside him.
I pulled over, in case there was a need to deploy Narcan to prevent a possible overdose.
But this was not an overdose.
No . . .
He was beaten. Someone jumped him from behind and beat him up.
The man was bleeding from his head.
English was not his first language; however, we were able to communicate.
I knelt down on 45th Street and asked his name.
He told me.
My name is Ben, I answered him.
Can you tell me what happened?
He tried to move but I asked him to stay still.
They beat me from behind, he said.
Okay . . .
I pointed to one of the men who was there before I was.
Did you call 911?
Yes, he said.
They are on the way,
I told the man not to worry.
He will be in good hands very soon.
I asked the other man who was on the scene before me, did you see anything?
No, he told me.
I saw him on the ground like you did and I came over to see if he was okay.
The man on the ground was an older man. At least, older than me – or so I think.
I was angry.
I felt an old resurgence of vengeful emotions come over me.
He was helpless.
I don’t like to see people in a state of helplessness.
He was an older man. Drunk, perhaps.
But still, who does this to people?
Never mind, I already know the answer.
He was jumped and beaten by a coward and me, I hate seeing someone beaten like this.
The ambulance arrived.
I believe in the saying, “too many cooks in the kitchen,” so-to-speak.
So I allowed the professionals to do their job.
I was thinking about this. I was thinking about our truce and how could there be a truce in times of turmoil?
Then I was thinking about the bullshit that I saw.
How cruel is this world?
Mean as a snake
And then –
I thought about what you would say to me . . .
The world is a cruel place.
Okay. Fine. You’d agree with this.
People are all out for themselves. And this could be true.
But even in a world like this, three people came over to help a man on the street, bleeding from his head. We made sure that he was taken to safety.
No . . .
Not everything is good.
But not everything is so bad or evil either.
I wish that man well.
And the others too.
I wish this never happened, but it did.
I wish I had something bigger and brighter and more inspiring to tell you.
But this is life.
Yes, life can be a bitch sometimes –
But you were right. . .
If we look around and if we take notice, there are some really good people in this crazy place.
We were four men this morning, all of us from different cultures and backgrounds.
But this had nothing to do with color, race, religion or politics.
Backgrounds had nothing to do with this.
No, this was about humanity.
I know there are things to worry about.
They’re out there, each and every day . . .
But I’m out there too.
So are you and that’s good.
That’s exactly what you would tell me
Ride or die.
Nothing about this is an accident.
Nothing about us is so perfect or imperfect.
No – this is the hand I have been dealt.
This is me. This is my body.
This is my heart and these pages have allowed me to reveal the different ingredients of my happiness.
So, if you happened to take notice – you have been involved with absolutely every page.
Hence, my truce is this.
I cannot change the past.
I cannot fix the breakages or the shattered moments that took place before today.
I couldn’t save that man from his beating this morning.
I can’t stop time from ticking nor can I erase what’s been done.
But I can be the best me possible.
I can be consistent and persistent.
I can offer you my hand and my love and if you choose, I can offer you a seat beside me.
This way, we can see the sunrise and the sunset, each and every day from now on, until our last and final hour.
It’s out there for us . . . a good future.
We can take advantage right now, you and I, and we can come to this truce.
Who knows where we might be, this time, next year.
Aruba, perhaps?
Cabo?
Varadero?
Or maybe . . .
There’s a little spot I know on Willis . . .
My friend Little Chicken and I can show you around.
If you’d like, that is.
Happy New Year, world!
I know this place is not always so pretty.
But the truth is – you are absolutely beautiful
and nothing in the world can change that
(for me).
We have reached our final destination here.
But there’s a new ride which is about to begin.
There’s another station that this train is heading towards.
This stop is happiness.
The next stop . . .
is all about peace.
The Written Addiction 