I have news for you. Friends are often fair weathered and half the people who swear and promise to be there if you need them are either far away or far too busy when you need them the most.
So, in all fairness to you, me or us and myself, I have to suggest this.
Get used to saving your own life kid, which is not a bad thing to say.
I know.
. . . I know
I know how they say “after the rain comes the rainbow” and after the ah, comes relief.
I get it.
I do.
I understand and I do not share this as if to pass this on to be like some kind of unique or special kind of genius and nor do I say this to “accentuate the positive,” or to embrace some kind of useful positive affirmation.
I fucking hate them.
I do.
I hate the special cliches that are intended to soften the pain, which is all fairness; no, this does not make the pain go away.
Back when we were kids, I remember when people would say something obvious and the response would be “No shit, Sherlock!” as if to sarcastically call out the fictional detective in people who state the obvious.
Fuck that.
And dig it; I get how people tell me that this is negative when no, I argue that this is being honest.
And so, be honest.
Life is hard.
life hurts.
The good guys lose sometimes and the bad guys?
Well, they make off with the girl, so-to-speak, and they find themselves celebrating somewhere, untouched and unscathed and meanwhile; you look around and wonder, “Can’t anyone see that I’m dying over here?”
Or is this a case of more of the same?
All the people who swore up and down about how they would be there if you needed them are too busy saving themselves or taking care of their own lives. And, in the meantime, they will tell you, “God, you are So string,” as if this is come kind of meaningful parting gift.
And you think to yourself, “I don’t want to be strong!”
I just want my fucking life back!
That is, if the life I had was real.
And here’s another bitch of life that no one talks about.
Often enough the life we has and the truths we believed were untrue and none of what we had was real.
This was only real to a small degree; until life became real enough that we found out we were being played for a fool and lied to.
I used to want to get revenge . . .
I did.
But hey none of the revenge I’d get or the retribution or the consequences would take away the one truth thing which is sometimes we backed the wrong person and we believed their pretty lies because hey, beauty is beautiful, until their truths came out
(and made them ugly)
I get it.
I do.
“Into each life a little rain must fall,” right?
But this is not my point at all.
No, my point is this and yes!
My point is simple.
I know that people say “it has to hurt if it’s to heal,” and I understand why Nietzsche said what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
I know.
. . . I know.
And so I assume I would be fine to be weaker or less strong than I am.
Or perhaps, I would be fine to be less as strong as I am told I was, or had to be.
I don’t need to be strong.
I think I would prefer to be happy.
What is life if life is not tested or disturbed?
What is daybreak if there was no darkness before it?
I get it.
. . . I understand.
No, really.
I do.
And what does this do for those who writhe in pain?
How does this accentuate or pronounce the light at the end of the tunnel?
How do any of the above suggestions or the positive affirmations help you when the pain or the darkness is so strong that at best, all you can do is wince and so, you sit there ask yourself, “how much more can I take?”
And then, of course, someone comes along to tell you, “oh, but you are so strong,” and they say this as if to mean this from the heart.
They say this to show support and they say this as words of encouragement.
And at the same time, there is a piece of me who thinks, “Fuck off!”
I think this because I’m not strong.
I’m in pain.
There’s a difference.
And whether I am standing or walking or maintaining my life and putting on my brave face or not; I am in pain.
And the shitty part about pain is pain really hurts.
You know?
Pain is painful, especially when pain does not come with some kind of physical representation, like, say a cut or a scrape, or bruise or a bump on the head.
I say this because at least these pains can be explained.
At least the pain from a broken bone makes sense. At least the physical representation of pain comes with a way to gauge the healing process as if to be like, oh, look.
I can see the scab taking over and the skin is not as tender to the touch.
Invisible pains and invisible scars are the worst because no one else sees them.
But hey. guess what . . .
you sure as hell feel them.
And still, you have to maintain and you have to be kind.
You have to smile and you have to make your way through life and of course, some asshole is going to come along and tell you how strong you are.
Obviously, right?
You are so strong!
Really?
Because to me, I thought I was dying and writing in pain.
But no,
It turns out that I’m just strong.
I will say this; however, because our ability to withstand and endure is absolutely incredible and yes, we are obviously strong because we survived.
(somehow)
But what kind of life is living just so we can survive?
What kind of life is it to always have to endure, or to have to stand back up on your own two feet when your heart is broken, and your soul is aching and so, what kind of help is it when someone comes along and tells you, “after the rain comes the rainbow.” and what kind of relief is it to be told how strong you are?
What kind of redemption comes with this when all you want is for the pain to go away?
After the ah comes relief.
I know.
. . . I know.
And ah, the sun came up this morning.
The sound of music is playing in my room and I can hear the birds chirping outside.
I know the sun is supposed to be strong today and the beach is supposed to be a welcoming place for the moment.
I do enjoy this.
I dig the scene and the waves and the discover of a few unique shells which I collect and save to remind me about beauty by the sea.
To be honest –
I am not strong and nor do I want to be.
I know that whatever didn’t kill me, did not kill me and so, I know this means that I have another shot.
And that is what today is for,
This is another shot.
Maybe the pain doesn’t have to hurt so bad today.
Maybe my relief is on the way and maybe I missed the rainbow,
Today has the right to be different.
I know this means that I have the right to change my mind or change my thinking and I know that I have the right to change my direction.
I get it.
No, really.
I do.
I am never going to be that person who says “don’t think like that,” or “don’t say things like that.”
No.
Fuck that.
Say what you need to say and do what you need to do because at best, all I can tell you is that this is life and this is all happening, live and in-person.
I will never tell someone “Don’t take it personal.”
I’ll never tell anyone how to think or how to feel because how we think or feel is both unique and true to us.
I get that.
. . . I do.
Life hurts
Love does not always come the way we thought it would and oftentimes, the parachute breaks and the fall that comes after being out of this atmosphere is devastating.
I know.
I know about the abandonment.
I know what the words I love you mean and how we assumed those words were true, until we found out the words were just words someone used for other people to be just as fooled.
“It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
Or so I’ve been told.
How does that work for people?
Is it better to think this way?
Or, I can offer that if I never knew, then I would have never known.
I’d have been fine to never know because the pain I felt after would be nonexistent and the loss of joy would have never been a “thing” for me.
I’m not dead.
Not yet.
And whatever didn’t kill me only proved to make me aware that my endurance and tolerance for pain is incredible, which is fine. Sure.
I get that.
But do you know what?
I think I’d be fine to be less tested and happy than to endure and prove that I am strong.
I used to have the need to be heard and the need to be validated and to be right!
All this time, I thought I was just in pain.
no.
It turns out I was just strong
Well?
I just want to be happy now.
I don’t need to win.
I don’t need to argue.
I don’t need to have it my way.
I just need the rainbow or the “ah” because after the ah, comes relief
Right?
The truth is my love can never die
But me?
I’ve died enough for one lifetime
What about you?
The Written Addiction 