In the end,
it all comes down to money,
how much you have
who you pay
how big is your house
and how much do you pay out.
The idea of restarting
or rebuilding your life
and the idea
of having to start over
or the word “dating”
and reopening yourself
to a new idea
or a new relationship . . .
. . . man, the baggage is real
the pickings are slim
and all ideas of a so-called future
can be somewhat intimidating
I knew a man, young, drunk
but he worked for his living
and at the time, which was decades ago
and back in the 80’s, he was taking home close to
a thousand bucks . . .
maybe more, with overtime.
He was “earning,”
and yet, he was living beneath a bridge
despite the fact that he earned a good living
and he made a good wage, he had great benefits
and a good health insurance plan
but wait:
most of his check was not his
because he owed everyone money
and he probably owed their mother too
so—
The lived homeless while those he paid for
meaning, his ex-wife and his kids
and his ex-wife’s family
all lived in a house that he built
and used to live in as well
until his wife threw him out
and then
he lost everything.
He told me about this
which was years ago.
he told me about what happened to him
before I knew what it meant to be married and divorce
twice . . .
He called himself cash rich, money poor
and then he explained
“this is why I nearly drank myself to death,”
because he, as a person
was worth more dead than alive.
His assets were great
so was his pension
so was his annuity
and so was his life insurance
He was worth more dead
than alive . . .
I remember him asking me
“did you ever open up your fridge
and see nothing in it?”
He explained
well, if you know
then you know how it is
to keep opening the door to your fridge
just to see the same mustard or ketchup bottle
or an old box of Chinese food
like steamed chicken
that you know is no good anymore.
Yet
you go back to the fridge later on
hoping that by some miracle
you missed something
and the refrigerator fairy
might have put something in there
like a gift or something to eat
This man . . .
he came out on the other side
of this . . .
he made out okay.
It just took a little time
and he turned out alright
sober . . .
clean . . .
and he made himself well again
both physically, emotionally
and financially as well
My man Jimmy Numbers
had to leave the finance world
after a problem with something
the Feds called security fraud; hence
the name Jimmy “Numbers.”
Jimmy Numbers came into the blues
meaning the blue collar and landed a job as an apprentice
but Numbers made his way to a mechanic
very quickly
The old saying came up
“when the money is gone, it’s time to move on
and so Jimmy’s his wife
decided to move on and she told him
“you’re worth more dead,
than alive.”
Jimmy lost everything.
He lost his kids to a toxic ex-life”
and a toxic ex-wife
who did not want to go back
to how it was before their bank accounts was full.
“You’re worth more dead than alive,” she told him
and she said this more than once.
So,
Jimmy obliged and took a fall
down an elevator shaft.
Jimmy died at work
this way, Jimmy’s ex and his kids
get their insurance money
plus his annuity, plus his pension
plus an extra death benefit
because to them
Jimmy was worth more dead
than alive.
I never enter my opinion
whether “he” or “she”
or “they,” or “them”
or who was right or wrong.
I will say that divorce is not always easy
but in most regards divorce is necessary.
People get mean
Children become used like pawns,
and yes,
some people look for blood
and some just want peace
and some say what they will
but in the end
Some just fight and lose more
because as far as they’re concerned
they want a bigger piece of the pie.
I never thought
that I would see marriage
as a business . . .
. . . but it is
Funny thing
out of all the licenses you need in this world
the marriage license
is the only one
that doesn’t need to be renewed.
Crazy
right?
The Written Addiction 