I admit it.
Yes.
My mind is always going. I am always rethinking, always calculating, always trying to decipher between safe and alert and tired and danger at the same time.
Ah, the benefits of overthinking.
This is exhausting, to say the least.
I am talking about my own overexcitability that keeps me going at a speed that y body cannot contend with.
No one is meant to run at full throttle all the time. And no one can keep up with a pace like this.
And even when I want to pause or stop or rest or do something, like, sleep through the night without waking up, the mind is always going off on tangents and worrying about the incoming missiles which are invisible and coming from from enemies that do not exist.
There is something to be said about catastrophic thinking and how these leads us astray.
I have always wondered why doubt is so strong. Why do we overthink or better yet, why do we complicate simple things?
Is this anxiety?
Is this a fear of the unknown?
Or perhaps I could wager that due to past events or traumas that took place such as humiliations, perceived betrayals, hurt feelings, or different episodes of shame, our brain tries to keep us safe or far from old dangers that no longer exist.
Safe to say that I am never going to be bullied on the playground in the first grade again.
I won’t eve be punched in the face by someone named Garret.
At least, I don’t think so,
Safe to say that no one is going to pick me up and throw me in the bushes on the side of McVey elementary school.
Yet, if I think about these things enough, I an re-feel the anxious energy that took place when these things actually happened.
My first girlfriend and I have not spoken in decades. I have not seen or hear4d her voice since my late twenties.
This means the shame or the painful awareness that came when she called me her ex-boyfriend’s name at the worst time possible is never going to happen again.
Even if it happened twice . . .
She will never do this to me again.
At the same time, if I think about this or if I allow myself to remember what took place, I can feel the same energy. I can feel the betrayal. I can feel the humiliation and the foolishness.
I an remember the details which is why I swore, I would never allow myself to be in that position again.
There are childhood memories which used to haunt me. In fact they used to taunt me and the moment of awareness of what took place was humiliating and awful to say the least.
I believed I was pitiful and stupid and perhaps something was wrong with me.
There had to e something wrong with me because why else would something so gross and inappropriate happen to me?
These things will never happen to me again.
No one will ever abuse me or use me again.
I know this.
I will never be subject to the gossip mills and the rumor factories like I was when I was a kid.
Yet, I am still painfully aware of the social cliques in my professional life.
I am all too aware of the gossip and the rumors at both the higher, corporate levels and the lower levels of employment.
I see the who pushes the lies and I see how I have taken the bait before and fell into an old role and allowed this to pass again.
I can see why Henry David Thoreau said, “What I have to do is to see, at any rate, that I do not lend myself to the wrong which I condemn.”
I see how I have betrayed myself.
I see how regret is poisonous and how shame destroys the heart and soul of a person.
I see how the rumor factories are still alive and the gossip mills still churn and still, I see how there are the cool kids tables in the workplace.
I also see my need to belong or my need to be accepted and included.
I see how the socialization we learned when we were kids has not matured all too much.
I am in a fortunate position.
I have a decent role and I have a solid reputation at work.
Or so I think.
I heard a few words this morning.
The words are “your old self.”
It has to be okay to let your old self die.
My old identity does not have to interrupt or impede on the progress of my new and updated version of me now.
I have been living with different survival strategies, which made sense at the time.
However, my old self and my old influences have expired. Therefore, it is time to update my thinking and to update my position by allowing myself to grow,
I cannot shrink myself to exist in a life that has changed or I have outgrown.
I do not live where I used to live. I do not look like what I used to look like.
I am not small or defenseless anymore.
I am not weak and nor do I look like the little skinny kid anymore.
I can lay the sword down now.
I do not need the same levels of approval.
I do not need to defend myself anymore.
No one in my life is looking to persecute or socially execute me anymore.
And even if someone is . . .
what does this mean?
And besides, who knows if my thoughts or ideas or my opinions of what took place are even true?
Who knows why we say what we say or do what we do?
I am not looking to advance in the herd nor do I need to fear if I am the weakest in the flock.
I am not prey nor am I subject to the hungry or thirsty predators.
Not unless I allow myself to be
How often are we aware of the masks we wear?
How frequently do we realize that we held a guard up for too long?
What happened when we woke up to realize that we pushed the wrong people away?
Or what about how we punished or hurt someone who never intended to do us harm?
We are hardwired with old thinking.
We hold old truths as a means to survive.
And yes, we do this to keep them from being true again.
Upon writing my entry to you, I said to myself, “you have to let the old you die.”
Or in other words I told you something a long, long time ago.
My redemption has nothing to do with your response.
This is still true,
But . . .
I have to accept and understand that your redemption and your program and your path and your plan to heal has nothing to do with me or my response.
We are these tiny things in a much bigger space.
We are small specs, if we think about it.
We are searching, hoping, thinking and feeling all too much and all too often.
It has to come though.
Or if I am to keep this on myself, then let me be authentic and keep this on me.
I need to break the addiction to old identities and old ways of thinking.
It is okay to transform or to transformationally change.
It is okay to be hurt or let down or crushed. And yes, absolutely. It is okay to not be okay.
Absolutely
It has to come.
Or it has to pass.
It has to happen.
We have to let go of the addiction to old or perceived abandonments. It has to change so that old responses to cruelties or insults or supposed threats can left ad let us be free.
We are all too consumed by our own biases.
and to be free
we have to cut ties with these things
Same as no one will ever laugh at me like they did when I wet my pants in the school’s cafeteria in the second grade; I do not have to worry that the sixth graders on the basketball team will pick on me or laugh when I try to make my first layup and shoot for the basket.
I think about a simple analogy.
I remember the first time I fired a high-powered rifle.
I did not shoulder the rifle properly and the kickback caused the rifle to shoor backwards and the scope hit me right in the face.
This hurt.
(A LOT!)
I was taught how to correct this.
I learned how to shoulder the rifle so this would never happen again.
And still, to this day, if I go to fire a rifle, I have a subconscious flinch.
I can feel my body tense before I pull the trigger.
The flinch dwindled, but the awareness of danger or an old pain is still a distraction
Hence, this is why I view bullying differently.
Words have different meanings to me.
Hence, this is why I fail to socially do well in groups.
I’m afraid to be the outcast or to be betrayed and shunned.
Hence, this is why I struggle with love or intimate relationships and yes, of course; I have valid and truthful pains that limited and prevented me from being the person I want to be.
But how long does my past have the right to hurt me?
How long do the pains or my old betrayals have the right to poison or destroy the benefits of a better future?
I understand the need for emotional comfort.
I understand the need for peace
Or the need for acceptance
Or the need to have security.
I understand the fears that someone will inevitably leave or hurt me.
I understand the remnants of unwanted things.
And I understand depressive thinking
I understand the fear of being unworthy and unnoticed.
I understand the fear of being ugly and worthless.
I understand the anxiety and the anticipation that eventually, I will be “found out,” which is why I was always afraid to break character or let the mask down so hence, I never reveled myself or dropped my guard.
I understand my addiction to people, places and things.
In all fairness and as truthful as I can make this; I am that little kid who wants to play fair and take turns and share and make sure everyone is happy.
But this is not always a common goal o the everyday playing field.
I do not want to sabotage anything anymore.
And here’s why –
Sabotage keeps me stuck with an old image and an old identity.
And I understand my old self is predictable.
Old pains are understandable and, therefore, I understand why I kept myself in the old cycles of living, which might not have been good or comfortable.|
I agree.
But at least I understood the rules of engagement.
You have to let the old you die.
It is never too late to say hello to your new self.
And it is never too late to start over.
In fact, one of the greatest freedoms we have is the right to change our thinking, the right to improve, and the right to change our mind.
I admit it.
I overthink.
I overanalyze.
I overreact.
Or perhaps it is safe to say that I react to an old data that supports an old system of living.
But that system is gone now.
My compulsions can change if I allow myself to change.
Replace troubled thoughts with beneficial actions
Change your behavior
Change your thinking
Change your feelings and your emotional content and yes
you most definitely will change your life.
And ah, the work ahead of me
The fear of effort.
The worry that questions, “what happens if I work hard and fail and get laughed at for trying or look like a fool?”
Will this be like the time I tried to shoot my first layup at basketball and the kids laughed at me?
Kill the old version of self and kill the old narrative and then yes, let the past die so your future can be reborn.
Perform confidence.
Perform a true self, not the false self
Rest.
Eat.
Sleep
Work
Live.
Love.
Laugh
Learn.
Do not be afraid of your awareness.
Do not allow your old limitations to disable our future.
Let the chips fall where they may
And let yourself evolve.
This is the way to go
Or if this is on me
Then let me keep this to me
so the chips an fall where they may
The Written Addiction 