It is strange to think that today marks 54 times that I have spun around the sun.
I have somehow managed to survive 54 trips.
54 birthdays.
54 times that I can say yes, I managed to pull off another year.
And yes, age is a funny thing.
Age is neither kind nor unfair and at the same time, age is one hell of a trip.
My body went from very small to bigger than what I expected. Also, my life has changed more times than people change sides with their political views.
I have managed to survive the wild times and endure the tougher times, like the hard years and the times of absence or the days and weeks and months of painful realizations.
I woke up and I got up.
I faced the day, even when I wanted to run or disappear; I still made it through.
I have outgrown and withstood the paths of my youth and yes, even my previous self is surprised that somehow; I have survived more than most.
There is something to be said about the accomplishment of living another year.
And there is something strong and something inspiring and there is something more to be said about the ability to get up and get out of bed the next day after the previous day nearly killed me.
Love is not altogether rewarding or regarding and love is not always easy or kind.
But love . . .
Love is our most valuable and precious commodity.
54 years and no, not all of them were easy.
Not all of them were good or stellar and in many cases, I can say there is a split decision when it comes to the battles between the good years and the bad ones.
In 1859, Charles Dickens wrote A Tale of Two Cities. He opened with the line, “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.” and to me, I can understand this from a recent or more modern perspective.
It is far more to me that I report to you than it is that I report to the masses. It is better to me that I keep this here than it is to look to find acceptance or appreciation with others.
It is more important to me that I keep this between us and that if I do this, then I have to do this right and therefore, this is why I have called off my search.
This is why I have decided to “break up” with the world.
This is why I have chosen to separate myself from the outside or the people pleasing scenarios of “being cool.” or being liked or having “someone” just to keep from being alone.
I do not come here to cultivate new friendships or relationships. No, I have done this in the past and I have done this unfairly too.
I used to do this to keep my options open and find someone to soothe me from an external place when of course, the only soothing nature should come from within, which is here with me and there with you.
I understand this
It is far more important to me that I find peace within and use an internal source than it is to depend on something external which is more often fleeting and out of my control.
I am not one to say that I am right.
I am far from a saint or a so-called Boy Scout.
And so, I am far from innocent and if my past reflects on the present then it would be inaccurate for me to say that I am so honest or free from sin.
I am above all things human and of the flesh.
I am above all else, a sinner and man of mistakes, a man of contempt and yes, I am a man who has contributed in some way, shape, or form to each one of my seven deadly sins.
I do not want this for myself.
I do not want this for anyone, including you and yet, here I am on the birth of a new day and a new year.
I am not guaranteed that tomorrow will come and there is no guarantee that I will make it through and fulfill another trip around the sun. This could be my grand finale for all I know
I do not know if there is another trip around the sun to make it 55 times. I don’t know if I will make it another 56, 57, or 60 times around the sun.
I don’t know what today will bring and I have no clue if tomorrow will open and with a beautiful sunrise. I don’t know about this. I have no clue if the sky will be dark, like it is now, gray and sullen and lugubrious as ever, and so the solace and quiet is like it is before the rain comes.
The streets are wet though.
The leaves have yet to turn from green to colorful, but they will change soon enough.
Life will take on a new light and a new shape and yes, this year might have similarities to the ones before, but you and I know that nothing is ever the same.
Everything is brand new and so, we can either embrace this like kids do when they buy a new toy, or we can age and be old like and if I should choose; I can be like that old man in a nursing home who complains about my aches and pains and enjoys the invention of Velcro shoes with a softer sole for my heels.
My favorite line is from a movie called The Shawshank Redemption.
The line says, “Get busy living . . . or get busy dying.”
And yes, this really is a simple choice.
I remember a woman who was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Most of all, I remember how she chose not to delay her ending and undergo the treatment which would not save her but only slow down and put off the inevitable.
The woman moved to a state where they allowed her to end her own life.
And no, this was not suicide. Not at all.
This woman decided to live every second of her remaining time. And, when the pain was too great and her sickness became too unmerciful, she swallowed an end-of-life cocktail that aided and assisted her comfortably and peacefully.
I am far from terminal or from anything fatal like this.
In fact, and hopefully, I am far from the end of my life.
However, this is life. This is life in full effect!
And, since no one gets out of this place alive, perhaps now is a good time to live.
Now . . .
As in right now.
No, I do not have my dreams coming true at the moment.
I am alone.
I am not with the only person I want to be with.
I do not have anything close to the life I want for myself. But, if the saying “get busy living or get busy dying” holds any weight; then let me get busy living now before it’s too late.
My friend Kenny sent me a letter back in the winter of 1990.
Kenny was an older friend. He knew me when I was a helper and worked for The Old Man in my Family’s shop.
Kenny was a talented mechanic.
Kenny was charismatic and there was something about him that stood out.
This was true; only this was not true rough to Kenny.
Kenny and I had a similar addiction.
Both Kenny and I were in treatment at the same time when he sent a letter to my Mother.
This message came after my Father had passed away. The Old Man was gone, and so, a piece of Kenny ad I was gone too.
The Old Man loved Kenny.
Kenny sent Mom and note with a message for her to send to me.
Kenny said, “Tell Benny that my hair is shorter than ever.”
Long hair was a big thing with Kenny and me.
He said, “Tell Benny I think he’s doing the right thing.”
Kenny said, “Tell him to do what they tell him”
What I remember most about Kenny’s message was this, which was the last line.
Kenny said, “Tell Benny it took me finding out that I am going to die to know what it means to live.”
Kenny contracted the AIDS virus from a hypodermic needle.
He died later that year.
I was only 17 years-old.
Here I am now though.
Alive . . . somehow.
I am looking at my 54th completion around the sun.
I had the best of times. I had the worst of times.
And now, I have to realize the value of what it means to live.
Hey, Ken . . .
For whatever this is worth, I never forgot you.
Maybe you don’t see me where you are now.
Maybe you, Mom, and The Old Man met up for lunch a few times.
Or maybe there is no lunch hour in Heaven.
I don’t know about these things.
Maybe St. Dismas was there to welcome you home and advised you that “it’s okay,” because he had sins too.
Maybe there is more out there for me.
Or maybe I have a lot to learn.
Maybe I will gain my way back to where I want to be.
Maybe she will still love me.
Maybe not.
But no matter what . . .
I can’t die like this.
You know?
There are too many blanks to fill in and too many holes and too many missing pieces.
I don’t want much anymore.
I just want to be happy.
I want to live and I don’t want to find out that dying is the only motivation to live.
Or maybe it is. . .
Maybe realizing that time is short is the only “wake-up call” we need.
Who knows?
Anyway, sleep well my friend
And say hello to my parents if you see them
I miss them more than they know.
Your friend always. . .
Benny –
The Written Addiction 