There has to be a time when we say to hell with it. There has to be a time when we say life is life death is death and all we have is this moment. Understand?
All we have is this, which is right here and right now.
There has to come a time when enough is enough and so, now becomes the time to make a difference between the definition of what it means to live or die.
Living is far more than just existing
And dying alive is far worse than dying alone.
There is no more time to waste.
There is no more time to give in or to give up and there is no more room for excuses and doubts.
It is obvious and understandable that life comes with disappointments and painful bouts with sudden and unfair realizations.
I lost way too much and I believed in the wrong lies for way too long.
However, the time for being inconsolable is through.
The time to mind our ego and false pride and the time to bicker with insecurity has to come to an end.
I remember a time when I was bullied and beaten up.
He was taller than me. He was not so strong. He was more of an image and a pretender than an actual tough guy.
I swore this was it.
I knew that he was bullying me because otherwise, if the truth came out about him or that he was weak too; I knew that the tides would have turned and he was operating under the guise of an image to hide his own fear and insecure weakness.
I understand the pecking order of the herd and and the Darwinism of survival of the species or the fittest.
He was a bully. Weak and skinny.
but this person was a bully nevertheless.
I swore that he picked on me for the last time.
I swore that no matter what happens to me; I was going to make sure that this person knew I was not going to be an easy target anymore.
I can say there have been more than one bully who pushed me to this level. There was more than one person who pushed me to the point where violence would have been fine with me. Therefore, and in my best estimation and in full disclosure, when it came to the last person who physically bullied me, I explained that I would spill a gallon of my blood just to watch him spill one drop.
and I showed this in a openly physical declaration to which, I’d have been fine if they dragged me away in a police car or in a straight jacket.
And no. I cannot say that I came out on top when it came to our scuffle. I cannot say that reality fit the narrative or the script which I had written in my head.
However, I can say that I managed to defend myself.
I managed to ensure this person never bullied me again and from what I was told, I heard this person noted that I might not play so well with others. And yes . . .
I say this in a way to reflect myself in a kinder fashion than perhaps, the person I had to be or the person I was at the time. And lastly. I say this because there is no better way to explain my actions without making me appear crazy or detached.
I was neither. In fact, I was simply fed up.
And to me, there was only one way out of this.
Him . . .
or me . . .
I suppose this might sound extreme. And maybe I am extreme. At the same time, the important message is there comes a time when life hits the wall and all that’s left is your personal call to arms.
I am far from violent. I am not a fighter.
I am not aggressive or angry. However, I can say that I have made a decision and hence; I am sticking to this decision by any means necessary.
No one yells at me.
No one has the right to hurt me.
No one has the right to dictate or determine my happiness.
No one has the right to destroy my hope or to detail my efforts to succeed, achieve, and improve my life on a daily basis.
I cannot say that life will abide by my rules and it is impossible for me to say that I will never argue again or that no one will ever yell at me or hurt me.
However, I can choose to allow myself the right and the dignity and the freedom to offer myself the choice to whether I walk away or not.
I am in the middle of my own personal crossroads. I have seen too many changes and felt the sting of too many disappointments over the last few years.
I saw my life change speed and change direction, all at the same time
In the case of the three most major changes in life, which are a person’s love live, home life, and work life, I have experienced changes in all three of them.
I am not healed by any means and I do live with the sadness and the pains that come in the wake or the aftermath of my greatest losses.
But same as I had to come to a very special conclusion when I decided that no one is ever going to bully me again, I have to make the same choices now.
And no, I do not think my old responses to personal, professional, and emotional bullies are going to be effective and beneficial in this case, (hitting people is frowned upon and I’m pretty sure biting someone in the face until they scream a high-pitched scream and bleed is frowned upon as well) at this point, I have to dedicate my choices and make sure that I am nobody’s victim or play toy.
There are no victims in this world
At least not when we talk about repetitive treatment.
There are no victims in this case.
Only volunteers.
I have chosen never to volunteer myself again.
Not unless the pain is worth it or the struggle is justified by working through the pain with someone I love and coming out on the other side.
I am here to come out on the other side of the pain to be better, smarter, and improved
This is me.
Do you hear me out there?
I am done.
I am finished.
Until the rapture or until the realization comes that through it all, sometimes, the pain builds us up to become strong enough to fight for the freedom we deserve.
I am not free at the moment.
But I am fighting for it.
I am fighting for me
For you
And for the life I want to have
So help me, God
