There was a big storm last night. The wind picked up and there were trees down on the street.
I can hear the wind and the rain are still blowing around but the storm has mostly passed and all that’s left are the remnants of a northeast storm that devastated the weekend.
I sit here now and I have my trusty companion with me.
Ah, thank God for trusty companions.
And no, this is not a person or an animal but instead, I have my cup of coffee which is what I needed this morning.
Or wait.
No.
I have other needs which do not need to be mentioned at this time.
I have more to say and more that I need and to be clear; I have more in store for you and for myself. However, just like the wind and the storm which had to run their course, I suppose this moment and the challenges I face are set to do the same thing.
Someone told me, “you have to give time some time to do its trick!”
I assume the greatest trick that time ever pulled is the moment of awareness and the awakening to an idea that sets us free from the past.
Free from the past . . .
free from the regrets
free from the bouts of shame
free from the ongoing conversations which go unresolved and take place in our heads.
Free . . .
Free from the thoughts that creep in and remind us the crimes against us
Free from the toxic people.
Free from the toxic memories.
Free from the taxes which come with the regret machine
Free from overthinking and free from the internal voice that whispers louder than any scream.
Free . . .
Free from the vortex and the spiral, like the water spins downwards when the water loses to a drain.
Freedom
What a concept this is, no?
One day, we wake up and we realize that time has gone by.
Yesterday is not here anymore and the gripes and the complaints, or the fights and the enemies have either moved on to someone else or they moved away or lost their momentum.
I remember the first time I ever ‘lost’ a girl.
Holy shit . . .
This was bound to kill me.
But no.
I am still alive.
I remember the pain and I remember the humiliation. I remember swearing that the pain would never go away.
I remember the belief that this was always going to be “a thing” for me, and that no matter what happened next; I swore that I would never dare and I would never open up and that I would never be so vulnerable and humiliated ever again.
I need to repeat the last two words fro my previous sentence.
Ever . . . again . . .
I swore that I would never feel love or find love and nor would I ever trust love.
I swore this and I swore to this with everything I had.
Never. Not even if this were a case of life or death or if there was a fire or the world was about to blow up.
Never.
But never is a really long time.
I can say that there are certain “nevers” that will always remain true.
I will never have to go back and sit in my elementary school classrooms and be bullied or humiliated like that again.
I will never be physically or sexually abused again.
I will never subject myself to the crowd, so-to-speak, and find myself at the mercy of outside opinions or submit to the need for social acceptance.
I will never undergo certain treatments that helped me at one point but hurt me in other ways.
I will never stand in the doorway of my childhood bedroom and feel the hollow and shameful regrets and no, I will never butcher or beat myself up about the mistakes I made .
I will never have to endure the worrisome anxiety, which came to me when I was a boy because I could hardly read and yet; somehow, I was nearing high school and reading at perhaps a second or third grade level.
I invested in a system that ruined me.
But that investment will never happen again.
I will never stutter in class when I read out loud.
I will never allow myself to apply for positions that do not deserve my effort or my energy or my attention.
I would love to say that I will never be hurt again. I would love to say that I will never be lied to again or that I will never lie or lie to myself. However, reality is real and the realistic truth is people are imperfect and I am far more imperfect than I care to be.
Ah, but at least I am tryig.
I will never allow myself to let an opportunity pass and in which case; if I am to be free or if I am to decide my future and lead my fate away from my past transgressions, then I will make no mistake and think that second chances are second chances and as such, they are always available.
I do believe that I have a place.
I do believe that there is a place in store for me and that fate and destiny are making moves in the background.
I am here and yes, of course . . .
I am looking to pull off my trick and make my life a better place to be.
The news tells us to stay indoors. They say the roads are still too crazy because the storm
They say the storm is letting up but still. We need to be stay inside.
But hey, since when do I like to listen to the news
or to anyone for that matter
Good morning, Sunday.
I know you and I have some work to do and I know that time needs some time to pull off its trick
I get that now.
But the daylight is wasting away and soon, I’ll be brave enough to dare another chance and take another crack at the fact that yes; I love you
And yes, I always will
