I wish I could defy age and time but as it is, age and time are always going to be undefeated.
Therefore, I had to take a look into my past so that I can spring ahead and move forward.
And I get it.
I do.
This is a contradiction of terms if not a contradiction of what I say to myself when I say, “the past is gone and you and I don’t live there anymore.”
But dig it . . .
Today is another day above the dirt and therefore, so long as I am above the dirt, I reserve the right to update my thinking.
At the same time, we hold the heavy weights when it would be better to let them go.
We hold truths and the unresolved tension and the unrealistic notions of “could have, would have, and should have,” and still, the past is the past and the future never happened yet.
So?
Why hold it so closely or so dearly when the pasts and the thighs we hold so tightly do nothing else but lead us astray.
So . . .
I had to take a step back to move forward,
The air is colder now and we are growing closer to the colder, snowy days, which come with a sentiment from good times that turned bad.
I am bleeding now.
I am cut deeply and yet, my skin shows nothing to support this claim. I have no cuts or abrasions, no bruises, no scrapes or scars that remain from the divorce and the break-up, which cost me everything.
I never thought that I would make so much money, let alone lose that much money. But again, time is time. Life is life and the same as age and time are undefeated, so are fate and so is destiny.
They win.
Always.
I took apart a few boxes that held the remnants of an old and unfortunate past. I had this stored away in the side of my closet in my bedroom. This is a place where the boxes remained because I never ventured or dared to unbox the pain.
I have too many memories and too many marks and I see too many things that remind me or lead me back to somewhere I never truly belonged.
I never dared to throw out the remnants of my past, which I saw as a reflection of my failing victories.
Ah, failing victories.
Another contradiction.
But before I digress, I call my past a series of failing victories because there were too many dishonesties and too many disloyalties and there were lies and secrets,
I was wrong to think that the pillars of my strength would never be degraded or become weak to the point where everything crashes. And then it did
Crashed . . .
I saw the details and memories and tiny pieces of things that took place a few years back.
I felt my heart sink backwards and I could not help but to think about what happened.
The past is so far away.
In fact, the past is so far back and untouchable that I cannot reach or touch these things.
At the same time, I cannot touch anything from my past.
But I can feel it.
I can feel this with my heart and not with my hands.
But this is my truth and this is the learning process and this is another sign that I am facing a new day with a new chance.
Therefore, I can do one of two things.
I can enact the acronym of F.E.A.R
I can say, “Fuck Everything And Run,”
or . . .
I can “Face Everything And Recover.”
And as for the unrelenting ideas and the intense memories that are unresolved and as for the deals I made which are unfinished or lastly; when it comes to the contracts I signed on the dotted line, I understand what it means to feel something so deeply that it hurts too deep to ignore.
I do not see my reflection in the mirror the same. But I often struggle to look.
I still see the old ghosts of my younger past and the older spirits that never seemed to die.
My body is in better shape.
I am physically healthy. I am stronger when I lift weights. But I know one thing above all –
Physical fitness does not overcome the need to improve the lack of emotional fitness.
There is too much at stake here – mind, body, and soul.
Time to put up
Or shut up
So, I showed up
