I do agree. Absolutely.
I agree that we move around this great big world and we travel in circles.
I know it. I know this both deeply and intimately.
I know there is a trick to this, somewhere.
And me?
Yes.
You are right. You have always been right about me.
I completely agree with this idea, and I further believe that we can go around the world a thousand times, just to come back to the beginning. Even kids grow old and come back to their birthplace in one way or another.
Young love is always young love despite the grand gestures or elderly living.
And I?
I want to die young and be young forever.
No matter how old I become, please . . .
Don’t let me forget the genius of what it means to dance
Nothing is as over as we think it is.
Only, everything changes and alters and progresses to another level.
I know.
We ca dine in a million places but there is only one heart and one source that nurtures us in an unforgettable way.
Do you understand?
Does any of this make sense?
You can fly anywhere you want to.
You can go anywhere.
But still, no matter where you go, there you are.
Truth is truth and traveling far or moving farther away cannot change what’s true.
Or better yet, we move in full circles and then we come back to the beginning again.
We find ourselves at a previous starting point and look around with a “Deja vu” attitude.
And yes. All the while, we had gone off and we looked and we sought and we searched.
We tried and we missed and in our battles with hindsight; we noticed the windows of opportunities that were never ours to begin with.
We met and stayed with the wrong people to realize that we betrayed our truth for way too long.
Often enough, we find ourselves back at the beginning.
And yes.
This is it.
This is when the truth hits us.
This is where we were supposed to be all along.
All of that uselessness and the unneeded waste and all the empty searches and the pretending to be “okay,” was a lie.
And all of this; all of the times we swore there was more and all the times we fought fate; we failed to recognize that time is always and the ever shall be undefeated teacher.
There really are no accidents.
I have been where I have been and I have gone where I have gone.
I have traded and negotiated my terms and I have sacrificed and compromised and in all fairness, I knew I was not where i should be.
I just was where I was.
And I knew.
I knew I was supposed to be elsewhere.
We lose ourselves to the excess of too much. And next, we find ourselves later on,
Too late.
We are looking backwards and thinking about the fact that we had far more during the times when we had so much less.
I am not wealthy and nor will I ever be the way I was again
Nor will I ever be as lonely in filled rooms and perhaps the quietness in my empty bed might not be the optimal choice.
But I would rather entertain the darkness alone than share light with the wring company
I do believe that we come from generations of excess.
Just take more.
More money.
More things.
More clothes.
More work.
More life.
And to what avail?
I believe that our searches and our casual battles with disbelief lead us to the doubts of simple things.
Beauty is simplicity.
Nothing truly beautiful is ever decorated.
Nothing beautiful is exaggerated or altered and nothing is further augmented to be made greater than what it is.
No . . .
No, this is not so because true greatness cannot be greater or perfected.
You were already born this way
great and perfect.
Perfection is already perfect and still; we fuck with everything because more is more and in the grand hest of deepest commands and in dreams and the insecure notions of being “enough,” we fear the droughts that one day; the internal ugliness will come to light
And then what?
Who will want me now, of course, now that I am exposed?|
Who will love me now that they see my darker sins or my scars that never faded or withered away?
I do not think I was so sure about love. But I am now.
I do not believe that I was aware of what I had and in full circle; I believe that my blindness and my thinking was both self-sabotaging and self-deprecating. We shake our own trees to drop the fruit which is an expression of our souls. And so, they hit the ground and seep into the dirt.
In the end, I had the harsh encounter with the weight of truth.
I have had everything
I have lost everything.
At the same time; I have lost nothing because what’s mine is mine.
Nothing except everything is temporary.
I know . . .
And I know about my contradictions
I know about my so-called dichotomy when it comes to the definitions of manhood and yes, I know about the contrast between myself, the darkness and my light.
What would you say?
If you could . . .
What would you tell yourself?
If you could go back right now . . .
What would you do?
Where would you start?
How would you begin this?
Or wait . . .
If this is just an exercise, then why not do all of the above now.
So that maybe . . .
you and I can move forward
(and improve)
What would you do when you realize that looking back with these questions are nothing more than a past life regression?
And so, if this was our past life, what will our current life look like now that we are standing at attention?
I know there is beauty in this world. And I know that I overlooked too many of these things.
I swore I was too often mistaken because of my ugly beliefs and hence; I hated and I discouraged and I worried and I wondered and I blamed.
I cried and I wept in my dreams to the point that when my awoken reality opened a door, I was too afraid to walk though.
And how could I?
Why would I?
I was petrified because I was too afraid to take a chance and find out that this was another trick.
Or worse, what if this was another joke?
Or once more, what if I was the last one to laugh and even worse, what do I do if I fid out the joke was on me?
But enough of that.
Enough of the doubt.
Enough of the pain.
Enough of the regretful and wasteful wishful thinking.
Enough of the misdiagnosed and the misperceptions and enough of the mistaken identities and the misguided reflections in the mirror.
Your beauty can never be shaken or stirred or altered of made ugly.
Nothing about you is ugly
ever . . .
Unless you make it this way . . .
I am not sure if you noticed . . .
I don’t know if you saw the full moon in the sky yesterday and noticed how this came before the sunset arrived.
The moon . . .
I don’t know if you noticed how the colors of sunset change to a more intense version of orange in the autumn months.
I am not sure if you can smell the wood burning in the fireplaces in the houses nearby.
I like a nice fire.
I’m not sure if you can feel the warmth of an upcoming November.
How many times can we go around the world to find out that everything we need has always been with us, this whole time.
All of this
Everything
Right here
Right in front of us.
God bless this doubtful time
God bless the undefeated teacher known as time.
Thank you for waking me up before I die.
Maybe a good cup of coffee is enough for me this morning.
Maybe the sunset last night is enough to make me realize that if something or someone is mine, then it’s mine.
And not even Devil, or my insecurities can take these things away
But I know they’ll try
God knows too
They’ll try . . .
