There are moments of awareness that are common between us. For example, there are times when we say goodbye to people, places, and things.
There are goodbyes, and then there are last goodbyes and of course, there are the final goodbyes that no one realizes that yes, this is our last goodbye and there will never be another opportunity to say “hello” again.
I have experienced all the different types of goodbyes and furthermore, I agree there are last times and times when we’ll say “never again!”
There are moments when we’ll swear to the sky that this is the last time that we will go somewhere or see someone or do something
I have sworn these things off too. I’ve sworn off the things that we’ve tried to swear away or promised ourselves that no matter what, “I’ll never do that again.”
I have sworn off people. I have sworn off places and things. I have sworn off love and lust, and I have sworn off the vulnerabilities that come when we let our guard down.
I have sworn off the weakness that follows after we let our true self be seen.
I have sworn off rejection. I have sworn off the brave attempts to share myself both honestly and openly.
I have sworn off women. I have sworn off my dependencies.
I have sworn off the hope that maybe someday, I will be in the right place at the right tome, and just like that, the sun will shine upon my face.
I have sworn off my beliefs and I have sworn off faith for the sake of having no faith at all.
I have sworn off caring. I have sworn off trying
I have sworn to the sky above and the heavens that cover me that I will never let my guard down and I would never let anyone be close enough to break my heart or break my soul
I do agree that broken hearts and broken souls are misleading. I can say that pain like this can misdirect us in ways that cause us to fail or prevent us from meeting our dreams in the middle, so-to-speak.
I agree that a broken soul can only care for itself and so, I was this way too.
And because I was this way, I missed the chance to love with all of my heart and without interruption.
Nothing comes without work. I know this.
Or like it says in the Book of James, “Faith without work os dead.”
Our work is essential because what does it mean to have faith that something will come true without making the personal effort to make things happen?
Even fire needs things to burn.
And so does our heart.
I have a memory from back in 1989. This was the last time I saw all of my knucklehead friends from the neighborhood. This was the last time we were all in the same place at the same time.
We had no way of knowing that life would happen. Trouble would come and while I cannot say that I felt so strongly about everyone or that I assumed my life would always involve the same friends; kids like Dorian and Tommy (and the list goes on) made different choices that ended their lives.
I miss them still
I remember the last time all of us were all together. We were at a place called Prospect Park. It was another wild nighttime in our crazy youth.
Everyone was out of their mind and of course, I was out of my head.
I pulled a prank on a group of yuppie-like men on the racquetball courts.
I scared them all half-to-death is what I did
Tommy brought over a small derringer that looks like a small .22 caliber pistol. Except, the gun was not a pistol at all. No, the pistol was actually a cigarette lighter
pull the trigger and click, a flame shoots out.
The rest of the story is not funny by any means and nor do I need to overstate the obvious
However, and as a description of the rebellion and wild, wise-ass youth, I walked onto the raquetball courts.
I walked up on the small group of middle-aged men and screamed like a lunatic and threatened them for their money with the gun poited at one of their faces.
Ten pulled the trigger. Click, click . . .
Pop
Out came the flame
Not smart
Not kind at all
But to us, this was one of the greatest and funniest pranks of all.
Plus, we believed that the park was meant for us and not middle-aged men to have fun.
I shake my head and exhale.
I think about this with a heavy taste of regret and I report this with a disbelieving smile that somehow, I made it out alive and away from my youth.
There are last times you see people and then there are last times you have a chance to see them
I saw Mikey L. a few years back.
Cancer took him
Brett too
Chris went out on his own accord, and the list can go on.
I swear that age is a wild trip
Kids prepare for the phases of birthday parties.
And then they have their sweet 16’s
And then we go through phases of graduation parties.
Then we go through another phase of weddings
And then it’s a phase of our friend’s kids and another stream of children’s birthdays
Then the next phase is their kid’s graduations and wedding celebrations.
And to be clear, and please excuse the sad reference; we finalize these stages with attending the funerals of loved ones and friends, —until finally, it’s our turn to go.
All I can say without any doubt is you never forget the kids from the neighborhood
All I can say is you never forget your first love.
You never forget the last time you saw your oldest best friend.
And still, there are other goodbyes that we regard.
There are other farewells and last moments that left a mark on my soul
I have young memories of wild nights and amazing victories of all kinds.
I have special moments filled with warmth and the memories of good friends and loved friends that changed the landscape of my heart as well as my life.
There are the farewells to the people who changed how I view the world
Yes. . . .
there are last times and then there are last times and so, the lesson I’m learning is this; time and age teaches me that tomorrow is never a guarantee.
Age and time are both excellent teachers
I am sitting down now and contemplating the “what if” scenarios.
I am wishing with my heart and hoping with a mild to moderate understanding that there is no going back. And, so, looking back with anger or envy is not helpful to my overall goal.
The sunrise was not the most colorful this morning. And the clouds had more to say than the blue sky for now.
Life is moving
The past can never change
And I . . .
I am still hopeful that somehow, someday, all will correct itself and my dreams will come true.
If James was right and “faith without works is dead,” then I need to realize something; I am not dead and therefore, until my last goodbye is my final goodbye, I have work to do.
Just know that if I love you
And I do
I will always love you
And know that if the winds should blow your sails my way,
I will welcome you open arms and say I love you
Always ~
