Never assume. . . I know.
I get it.
Never overthink. Just execute and move.
Remove emotion and create action.
This is the way of the stoic.
Do not be hinged or dependent upon passion.
Okay. Fine.
No, really. I got it.
At the same time, I hold something that is not in my hand and nor could I let this go, even if death or Hell was the risk.
I need to break free for the moment. I need to stop the ongoing arguments in my head and more, I need to break away from the rehearsals and the prepared responses that fuel an argument that never happened.
it’s true . . .
We can think ourselves sick, or we can think ourselves well.
I know this is true because I have thought myself into the dungeons of insanity.
I breathe.
I inhale, and then I exhale.
In and out.
like the rise and fall of the tides at the ocean.
” I swear, she knows too much about me.”
I need to do something different this time.
I need let go and rid myself of the weights and the details that hold me back. I need to be free from the ties that bind me and weigh me down. Yet, I am not attached by anything.
no chains.
no ropes or even strings attach me.
My grip holds everything
I have held on for so long and I have kept the weights close with such a firm grip that my hand aches when I let go.
“I’m afraid to let go and let fate take its turn.”
What choices do you have?”
If I let go, then what happens if I am forgotten . . .
if I hold on, then I will never know the compliment of being wanted and welcomed.
If i go, then I’ll never see what might have happened and in my heart, or in my mind and soul; I will always wonder why fate led me around or led me astray.
And maybe you understand.
Or maybe you don’t.
But either way, here I go.
( I sigh)
This is more than facing the reflection I see in the mirror. This is more than fear and more than strength and all of this is more than desire and more than pain and more than anything, I view this is a mission statement or a call to arms.
I have famously written goodbye letters to all sorts of people, places, and things. And yes, I wrote these letters with the intention of letting go or saying goodbye.
But sometimes, goodbyes do not work for me.
I say this because my heart is elsewhere at the moment. My heart and soul is where it belongs and yet, I am here. I am on the other side of bridges and landscapes and miles away from where I want to be.
I want to be in bed with the most beautiful girl in the world
No one knows how beautiful she is and although her beauty is obvious; no one sees her the way I see her.
And I swear—
Even if our distance was only inches away; I am still too far or seemingly farther than the Earth’s distance to the sun. God, I sound pathetic, I know.
but truth is truth, regardless of pity or how pathetic the truth is.
Therefore, my fear is that I will never sense the warmth or feel the rays that come from you (or your skin.)
Ah, the world is a big and beautiful place. But even if the world shriveled and sunk to a minuscule or down to a smaller size; your distance from me is polar and opposite and dammit all to hell; you are far too far from me now.
And I ache and I yearn and I wait and I hope.
I pray and I plead and I hope to feel the sun on my face again.
but you . . .
you are the sun
I wish and I wonder and I ask the Heavens to show their kindness to me. And of course, if I could, I would bribe the hands of fate and the opinions of destiny just to feel your warmth against my chest.
But wait—
I digress again.
I speak too vaguely for anyone else to follow.
but this is not for anyone else
this is for you
I have mentioned this before; when our will and intent outweighs the fears and pain or the agonies that keep us stuck; or when out intentions are so strong that nothing can stop us or hold us back, then we can do the impossible without even thinking about it.
It is morning. . .
I had to clean the mirror to see myself clearly.
I stood in front of the mirror, and I was reminded of the facts about me. I was reminded that one fact above all is truest to the heart.
The fact remains that no one should see themselves in the mirror and have contempt or disgust for their own reflection.
No feeling is worse than this.
I am not one for pictures.
I have never been happy with how I look or the way I appear. Or quite similar, I never liked hearing recordings of me or my voice.
And so . . .
I admit that I understand where this comes from. I know all about the origins of my insecurity. I know where they began and if I tried, I could trace them all back to different versions of shame-based memories and moments of rejection.
I could trace all my faulty assumptions back to the times when my cognitive biases created my thinking errors, which caused me to assume and think or believe poorly about myself.
Ah, the train to Fulton Street – how you link me back to the good and the bad, the ugly, and the most beautiful occasions in my life.
I have places and bouts and arguments within.
I have weights and a heaviness that keep me tired and drain me from my natural energy.
I connect my weakness to be no different from a physical dependency to a drug, like a special kind of opioid without the opioid itself.
And when the sickness hits or when the withdrawal comes, you know there is only one thing that can make you feel better.
Love is this way too and thus; the absence of love or the absence of your greatest lover is no different.
Your body aches
Your hopes are sunk
You’re sick and no matter what you try to do; you know that only one thing can relieve you of this sickness.
Love is equally a drug, and love is equally addicting and yes, above all; no one is more addicting than the one thing (or person) you cannot live without.
“No matter where I roam, I will return to my English Rose, for no bonds will ever tempt me from she.”
These are words from a song that comes from a band called The Jam.
I have heard this song throughout my life.
Each time I hear this, the meaning changed until one day; the meaning of the song solidified. I have seen every kind of change that went from mild to wild.
I get it now.
There is no substitute for the real life
No matter how I’ve run or searched elsewhere, I found where I belong
“I’ve searched the secret mists
I’ve climbed the highest peaks
And caught the wild wind home
To hear her soft voice speak”
Yeah, that’s it.
I am in love and for the rest of my life, no matter what or where or why
I will always be in love
(with you)
