Dear reflection,
I am reaching out to you to address a few questions. Moreover, I am doing this with hopes of defining a few answers and so, in fairness, I will do this with hopes that this can help us move forward. or if not, at least you and I can understand why we get stuck or fail to try.
First and foremost, we need to define the most important question, which is simple.
What do you need?
I say this is simple, and of course there are the answers which seem complicated.
But nothing is comolicated, except for us.
(understand?)
Next, what are you willing to do to meet your needs?
And next, are your needs realistic?
Are your needs possible or impossible?
Or better yet, are you holding out on yourself for something that could never happen?
I don’t mind holding out for more or better, as long as there is a goal in mind that is obtainable and achievable.
if we have that, then I am fine.
What keeps you going?
What is your source and fuels your fire?
Do you understand?
What makes your soul seek the chance to wake up another day?
I think this is a great question.
What puts wind in the sails of your spirit?
I ask this because despite the falls and the setbacks and the bumps and the bruises and whether your scars are visible or invisible, or if your pains are external or internal, you’ve somehow managed to come this far.
And, so, let me ask you something else.
Did you come this far, just to get this far?
Or is there something more?
(By the way, I think we both know the answer to that.)
If there is more, and we both know there is, I would question what drives you.
I would ask you what motivates you, despite the feelings that betray you.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
What makes you continue when your circumstances are damaged enough to make you want to cry or quit or go home?
Another great question is a simple one . . .
When is it your turn?
When is it your turn to be happy?
When are you going to give yourself the permission to dream and envision and create and build the life you want?
When are you going to live the life you want to live instead of “just existing” or surviving “as is” and when are you going to execute your plans to live the life you want instead of living with the life you have.
And wait.
I have more.
So, please add these to the list . . .
These are questions to either inspire you or learn more about the details which hold you back. These questions are intended to see what keeps you alive or to learn about the things that keep you in the constant loop, which is known as “more of the same.”
Where is your confidence level that believes you can make your dream come true?
From good to bad or bad to good, what would you rate your level of willingness to do what it takes, or to move, or to go, be and do, and if you can measure this, is your willingness enough to endure the setbacks or the falls and the disappointments that come along the way?
These things are important to consider. No, wait.
These are all questions that apply to an essential nature. But before you pause or close your eyes and turn away, if the life you want is perhaps more beautiful than your dreams, I suppose there is only one more question to ask
What are you waiting for?
Dear mirror,
I have been looking at you with changing eyes and with a different view from the same mind. I have been around and looking at myself for years now. In fact, and as of today, I have been alive for 19,776 days. This makes me more than 54 years-old, plus a month and a half.
I know all about the suggestion which says “one day at a time.”
As for the weeks and the months, I’ve been around for 2,825 weeks and 649 months.
There was a teacher of mine who predicted that my death would come somewhere around my 18th birthday.
And to be fair, the teacher might have been right. I know this .
The old teacher was mean but as nasty as he was, he had a point.
Had I not been removed from my environment and placed elsewhere (so I could heal) and become better than I was.
I have lived and died and I have survived the worst things and somehow, I have managed to apply myself enough to wake up the next day.
I bled, cried, and I laughed and cheered.
I lost myself more times than I can count and oftentimes, the math I do in my head is enough to distract me when I try to add my tiny successes.
Yet, and still, I am alive and well and somehow, despite all that’s happened to me; I am still here.
I suppose that old teacher who predicted my death was wrong about me.
Maybe I am wrong about me too.
Maybe this is why I cried when I learned about the test I took to graduate high school. This happened years after I should have graduated.
Maybe this is why I wept after I spoke in front of law enforcement after completing a police initiative that caused me to be on the front page of a newspaper and on the news.
Maybe this is why I went into a room and cried like a child after I spoke before a roomful or colleagues at one of the largest financial firms in the world.
Maybe my disbelief and my doubts are the things that keep me back.
And to you, Mr. Mirror,
maybe the way I see myself is inaccurate.
Maybe my fears were too insurmountable for me to fight back.
Or maybe the predictions I heard or the ideas that followed my youthful abuse and the touches I never asked for led me to believe that something about me was damaged or wrong
Maybe . . .
I can say that I have loved and I have lived and I have seen great things.
I can say that I have felt the hand of the most beautiful girl in the world.
I made money and I lost money.
I nearly died more times than I can count.
I nearly died too many times, like when I was 8 years-old and tried to end myself with bottle of pills.
I tried to end my life either directly or indirectly while I was a teenager and as for the last attempt, I was 19 and mad and finished.
I was satisfied to let the world go on without me.
yet, fate and destiny had other plans.
Fate and destiny stepped in to save me, as if to say, “no,” because there was more for me to see or do.
I know this.
I know that I am not what my reflection says.
I am not how I see myself.
I know that my mind plays tricks on me and that my imagination is a dilemma. I have cognitive distortions and thinking errors that predict the worst, despite my hopes for the best.
And to you, Mr. Mirror,
I know that you are constant and honest and true.
Therefore, to go forward, I have to be constant and honest and true to myself
I never dared to do this for me before. —at least, not until as of late.
And, so, here I go.
I am holding out for better.
I refused to fold my hand.
I refuse to give up or to surrender and to be clear, I will do whatever it takes to find my dreams and make them come true.
Fate and destiny cannot stop me from trying and the Devil cannot trick me enough to make me quit.
My love is my vow and my vow is my life
For this life and the next, I swear to be more careful with you
and perhaps this way, you will be gentler with me.
Dear you . . .
You know who you are,
I have never loved anyone or anything the way I love you
and while the distance between us is hard for me to grasp, my heart could not be closer.
may the winds be kind to you
may the sun find you when you are cold
may the moon brighten your evenings
and may my heart soothe you
whenever you are down
In this life and the next
I love you
always ~
