I am not sure if I knew what fear was. I just knew I was afraid. I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t know the difference between feeling and emotion or even if there was one. I never thought about the emoting itself, which is innate or within us and natural; however, a feeling is different because feeling is the mind’s experience which we tie to an emotion. Therefore, the emotion is fear —however, the feeling of being afraid is due to the events of my life, which I tie to that emotion, Continue reading
Author Archives: bennyk1972
Something From My Mental Rolodex
I had a dream of an early morning sunrise and I was there, back home, and walking up the staircase at Eisenhower Park near the Korean War Monument. The sky was clear and the wind was warm and soft. I could see the glow from the early orange sunlight touching the east side of the monument.
Everything was Continue reading
About My Own Little Sanctuary
There was a small room in the corner of our little home at 2683 in East Meadow. The room was equipped a with fish tank, a love seat, a small desk with a computer screen and keyboard on top. I had a small lava lamp on my desk (because why not?) and book shelf along the wall with shelves filled with books from the great poets, writers, and pictures of my life, my wife, and my family. I had a few of my accomplishments framed and placed on the wall. There was a document regarding The Old Man and his service to our country, which was signed in ink by the President of The United States of America, framed and hanging proudly on the wall. I called this place the writing room.
Each Continue reading
About Treatment Time
In the last moments of my time at a place in Kerhonkson, New York, my bags were packed and the paperwork concerning my treatment over the last 28 days was in hand. 
My room was empty but yet filled with the energy of memory and the recollection of late night conversations with the revolving roommates that completed their stay in treatment.
My bed was made, my drawers were cleaned, and in moments, I was about to complete my discharge and return home. At this time, the other clients or residents were Continue reading
From Junkie Diaries: The Basement
I was hidden in the dark basement of a corner bar in a small strip of stores that ran next to the 7-11 by the corner of Front Street and Merrick. My town was as normal as any other small suburban place. There was a tall water tower in the heart of the town with a flashing red light at its top to warn off low-flying airplanes. We had one high school, one junior high, and two elementary schools.
Like most towns, ours had different sections that signified where we were from. And there was no hatred towards either side —it was more of a geographical statement, which connected a level of understanding of where we lived, what stores we went to, and where we hung out.
Ours was neither an exceptionally rich or poor town. We were the middle income. We were the Continue reading
From Letters From a Son
Sorry, I know it has been a while since the last time I wrote to you. So much has gone on and I’m not sure where to start. I swear, sometimes the world becomes this busy place. Days pass and then weeks go by. Next thing I know, months peeled off the calendar and I miss the marks on my “To do,” list. It’s strange how life has a way of picking up and getting away from us.
I remember years ago when the springtime came around, I had to clean my room and get rid of literally everything that Continue reading
An Honest Account Of My Weight loss
Throughout the years and throughout the various changes we go through, I have learned the best people to be surrounded by are real people with real understanding. Furthermore and above all, I have learned the worst people to be around are those who look to judge, direct, or diagnose.
I was a grown man and well on my way through life with experience under my belt. I worked hard and I worked a lot. I maintained my home Continue reading
A Lesson from in the Classroom
This is the way I remember it —
Once teenage life began, we all split up in different groups. This is where our journeys began to change and the paths we chose sent us off in different directions. And it all revolved around the crowds we chose and our social interaction.
As I recall, when teenage life Continue reading
Notes From a Divorced Dad
The truth of the matter is there are always two sides to the story. And I get that. The problem comes, however, when either side refuses to admit to the wrongs on their side of the fence. When it comes to divorce; things can be ugly. And when it comes to divorce with children —things get even uglier. There is a third side on this one. There is his side, her side, but many seem to forget the children’s side of this.
Divorce is a strange but Continue reading
What’s Your R.A.S.O.?
Before going forward with this explanation, I want to explain that the following is about me and the details of my thoughts and feelings and how they have interacted with my behavior throughout my life.
More than anything, I have always wanted to feel comfortable. I always wanted to feel the idea that if I fit or belonged and I have feel that idea that I was welcome. More than anything, I have always wanted to walk into a room and not feel as if I had to “Fake” something or “Force” something and Continue reading
