I am not always sure about what might come next. And I don’t know if the day is about to be good or bad yet, sometimes, I have this feeling as if the entire world is about to fall off a cliff. Ever think this way?
Ever worry about something unknown or unforeseen or maybe it’s more than this. Maybe this is more of a feeling than a thought – or a suspicion.
Or, could this be an expectation?

Yes, maybe this is it. Maybe this is an expectation or something of the sort.
But either way, you just know in your heart that something’s in the mail. 

The only time you really lose is when you lose yourself to the comparisons of other people.
You lose to the contrast of these inaccurate ideas of who’s who and who’s what or who is better and who’s worse?
What is beauty? Who is beautiful?
Who decides these things? Was there a poll?
Was there a vote?
Was there a board meeting on this and for some reason, I just didn’t get the memo?
Is that it?

I’m not sure why it’s a struggle to be honest about the way we think or feel. I’m not sure why it is when people say what they think or feel; someone will come by and say something like, “Hey, don’t think like that.”
I suppose we live in a world where there’s not supposed to be anything wrong; but of course, there is something wrong. If there is, I suppose we’re supposed to hide this or keep this to ourselves.

I remember someone once told me that you can’t walk around and wear your heart on your sleeve.
Okay. . . .

I never minded the rain; least of all the summer storms which come out of nowhere. I never minded the way the clouds crept in, as if to show the sky was closing in on us. I know that this changed our plans but hey, life has a way of changing our plans when we least expect it, right?
Or maybe our plans change even when we most expect it. But life is life and thus, into each life, a little rain must fall – or so they say. But I still don’t mind the rain because I know this is part of something necessary.
The sun disappears and then the rumbles come. Then the thunder begins to growl and we know that it is only a matter of time before the lightning strikes. But don’t worry, it’s okay. 

This one will not be for everyone. Then again, not everything is for everyone. I suppose this is more for me than anyone else. I suppose this entry is to define the contrast between who I was and who I’ve become. 
Or maybe this is me looking to offer you a bridge to come over and see more because I want you to know everything.
I want you to see the good as well as the bad and the ugly because, in fact, I believe these are a person’s qualitie, which allows them to be beautiful.
And yes, I want to be beautiful.
Moreover, I am here to define the lines of my change which is important.
Wait, no. I believe this is imperative to continuing my path and living a good life. 

I want to enter this here to break the tension a little bit. I want to enter this as means of some lightheartedness, to break up the stories and soften the emotions a little bit. Now, to be clear, I do not condone teenage nonsense and I do not promote substance use. However, please be advised, I was one of those kids too.
The following is a small detail about a time in my life just before I exited the public school system. While again, I do not condone or think this was cool – I want to emphasize that this is only a memory and not to be taken too seriously.

I know what I remember. I’m not sure what our parents remember or what their version of memories look like. However, I remember the homes where we’d go after school.
(Do you?)

And I get it . . .
It’s not so easy when you’re in the middle of it all. Everything around you is in turmoil and your thoughts are raging with the worst possibilities. The ideas of shame, exposure and catastrophe are imposing and the impending doom is unrelenting.
I can say that I’ve been through times like this. I can say that anxiety and me are on a first name basis.
In fact, I call this “Me!”
But I am here with news that although times can be hard and pain can be pretty painful; the one thing I know is that we all have the right, the ability and the freedom to change and improve.
Nothing can stop this unless we let it.
Unless we bow out or give up or unless we surrender our desire to win or challenge or endure and persevere, nothing can stop us.
Ever.

And suddenly . . .
I’m right back to a time when I was alive. It’s the smells. It’s the aromas from my City. It’s the taste of something from the boyhood chapters of my youth.
It’s the sound of cicadas chattering from the trees in the summertime and suddenly, I can remember when the wind moved through branches and shook the leaves. Just like that, I am reminiscent of long, lazy days when the sun was bright and the winds were warm.

Maybe I was never good at remembering my lessons at school. But the one thing that I was always good at was remembering the lines from my favorite movies. I remember the movies and the music. I remember the television shows and the sitcoms, the game shows and even The Gong Show. I remember Wonderama, Kids are people too, whackadoo, whackadoo, whackadoo . . .

Nothing will ever be like the family gatherings from when I was a kid.
Nothing will ever be like it was and I know this. But still, maybe there’s not supposed to be anything like this. Maybe this is what keeps our memories perfect and special.

I know that times were different. I know that there was this thing that happened in a pre-pandemic life where people actually gathered together and communicated on a face to face basis. There was a time when people actually talked and this wasn’t just through texts or emails. 
To me, I’m grateful to say that mine was a generation before technology blew up into what it is today.