(held down)
she smiles sometimes to defy you
and to you
this is the worst kind of smile
because it’s like a criminal’s
which means you lost what you once stole.
am I right?
to you, her smile drops you to your knees
it rips into your heart like her sharp fingernails once did
when they tore into your back except,
those were the good old days
those were the days when she listened
and loved you Continue reading
When I came to the understanding that my lifestyle had become unmanageable and I was, in fact, powerless over this thing they call alcoholism and drug addiction, they sat me down in front of a small group of people. I have no doubts that I looked worse than most in that room.
I was strung out. My eyes had dark rings beneath them. They were glassy and sunken into my bony face. I was told my skin was a sickly shade of pale. I weighed less than 100lbs because eating was not high on my priorities—or more accurately, feeding myself was less important than feeding my addiction.
When I “Came in” as they say, I was sat in a group of people who were no different from me. I never knew any of them. I never saw anyone in that room before. I never even knew people like Continue reading
There is a part of my drive into Manhattan that comes when I reach the high slope on the expressway as I arrive at Long Island City. This is when I have a total view of the New York City skyline, and for that moment, I am reminded of when I was young. I am reminded of the feelings I had, which pulsed through my body.
I remember the first time I drove over the 59th Street Bridge by myself. I was on my way in to meet a girl. There was no one else in the car but me. There were no wild friends of mine, drinking in the back seat, thanking me for being the “Sober guy,” and grateful that I was always willing to Continue reading
Warning: This one may seem a little sappy, but if you have followed along before, I don’t think it would be too much trouble to ask you to follow along again. So here it goes . . .
There are things everyone needs to see in their life. Like say, the smile from a grandparent. I never met either of my grandfathers. I only met my grandmothers, but my grandmother on my father’s side was always closest. There are things I remember like a sandwich she once made for me—and if my memory serves correctly, I cannot recall ever having a sandwich as good as the one my grandmother made.
I was young when Continue reading
I am not sure if you saw, but this morning’s sunrise was a good one. At least it was in my neck of the woods . . .
I know that some of you—or at least one of you will struggle on this morning, and your reasons for struggle are valid.
As well, I know that the memory of our lost loved ones, the mistakes we have made in the past, or the recollection of broken relationships, regardless to fault, or whether the memories are good, bad, loving, or beautiful; they can also be painful and separate us from the meaning of this day. But truly, I say the meaning of today is such that whoever believes shall not perish, but have the light of life.
The same as I can relate to anger and heartache, I can also Continue reading
Before I move forward, I should explain where I am right now and, while families gather and sit at a table for this holiday, I am sitting in an equipment room at work with the worst kind of filth on my hands. My face is stained from a black murky water that has been lying stagnant in an old steam pipe since the 1970’s. My uniform is stained with black spots and though I have cleaned my eyeglasses several times, I still cannot see anything but the streaks of dirty water that will not seem to wash off.
While other families meet and honor Continue reading
Poem 1
We were young not too long ago
and the full grown trees were half their size.
I have always been amazed by the resilience of youth.
I am amazed by the bravery and I envy the ambitions,
which somehow shed when it comes to the later ages.
I think of little kids swinging on swing-sets
and how they try to kick the moon.
They try so hard because no one told them
this is not possible
Their ability is real and their versions of reality
are untouched . . . . or pure
Little girls play Continue reading
I was told service and charity was the best way to cure my selfish, self-centeredness. I was told, “You have to give it away to keep it,” and this made no sense to me.
In a time of falling to my bottom, and in a time of painful confusion, I was told to get out of myself and do something for someone else. But how could I? All I could think of was me. All I could think of was my anger and frustration. All I could think of were the rules I was told to follow, which was nothing more than a contradiction to the things I wanted to do. I thought about the place where I was and how unfair Continue reading
Did you ever hear the story about the time I stood over a dead body?
I was young at the time. I was around 19 maybe, or I could have been 20. I was clean in some ways but the life I lived was not one that reflects honesty and clean living. I was sober, but in name only. I was only absent of chemicals, but I was not absent of the attitude.
It was the start of winter and during the height of the holiday season. I went with a partner of mine to a nearby food chain. He and I were going to shake the manager down for a few hundred bucks.
The job was Continue reading
And you wonder . . .
You wonder who will be there when it all goes down.
When everything falls apart, you wonder who
will be there to help pick up the fallen pieces.
You wonder who will help fix the shattered pieces
of your broken heart—or who will show up
without so much as a hint or even a phone call
because this is what real friends do . . .
The people I have met, whether they are good or bad,
or whether our interaction is long-lasting or short-lived
have come into my life for a reason.
Every memorable conversation Continue reading
The Written Addiction 