In the beginning
I can see how I thought that I was nothing,
but, in fairness,
something about the need to feel better
was more than just a need to feel better.
Maybe this was caused by the drive
or the need to be more to you
than just “someone similar.”
Maybe this was enough to make me
want you in ways that seemed
crazy, if you will,
or maybe carnivorous is a good word,
or perhaps I should say
you make me hungry . . .
In the beginning
Continue reading1)
Wintertime . . .
The cold is nothing like it used to be
at least, not to me.
Then again,
nothing is like the way it was
or the way it used to be
at least, not to me.
Nothing is like the way things were
back then
or back when we were young
and seeing things
As if they were brand-new
and out of the box.
I remember though
the City . . .
I wonder what most people would say
if they could say anything at all
without fear, of course, or worrying that
perhaps they said too much or revealed themselves
in just such a way.
I wonder what I would say
if I could say anything else
without worrying
that I said too much.
Understand?
Continue readingHow far have we come
since then
and what have we learned at all,
if anything?
There is a great misconception
which states that
we are all the same
or that if one thing is true,
then something else has to be true,
like if you do something bad,
you can never be good.
Well?
Continue readingI find that I am closing in on a brand-new start
which means the last few chapters are in the past
and here I am again, standing at the doorway
of some new beginning.
It’s amazing,
I say.
This year is about to become the last
and the last two years are going
to move farther away
and deeper into my past,
like decades that have turned into ghosts
known, but not seen or
heard, but gone like the wind.
Or should I say
at least I hope so
I started this journal
with the question that asks –
and then what?
The truth is
I don’t know what comes next
or what comes after this.
I don’t know if today
will be the day
or tonight will be the night.
I believe a person can look and see
but still never know
what it’s like to live
or breathe or feel
or know what it’s like to find themselves
and understand what it means
to be missing
or come up short.
No one will ever know
what it feels like
to experience touch
from my side of the skin.
I guess if you don’t know
then you won’t know what it was like
or how it felt to wake up one day
and look back
and be like, “What the hell?”
I guess my life is mine
and since my so-called version of life
or my opinion is only subjective,
then I realize that thoughts and opinions
are both subject and open to interpretation,
and in all fairness,
I would have to say no . . .
intention and interpretation
are not always the same.
And so, I’ve heard
or so I have been told that essentially
you just have to let it go.
You can’t hold on forever.
You can’t attach yourself
to the unwanted outcomes
or cling to the difficulties
which are beyond our control.
Life is always going to be life.
And look . . .
there it is
the world outside your door
which is big and vast,
as well as ongoing and optimal
and yes, this is all live
and loaded with endless opportunities
and countless possibilities.
I am told the semicolon
is a symbol of hope . . .
Ah, the semicolon,
a symbol of resilience
and “the continuation”
of our life’s story.
There is no bully worse
than the hopelessness of depression
or the floods that come from anxiety.
I get it . . .
There is only one other bully
which is worse
which is cancer
which hits and affects us all.
