I am sitting now, awaiting a meeting in loft-like surroundings, Downtown near Gramercy, with high, white walls and gray, hardwood flooring. I am waiting, nervous of course, and wondering what step will come next. I have a mind full of dreams and plans in the works but I am not altogether sure what the finished product will look like.
I want to see myself in the next step of this process with me, walking proudly down Irving Plaza with a bag over my shoulder and longtime dream achieved.
I want to step forward, as if to resurrect an old goal of mine and allow myself the moment to accomplish a plan that hatched when I was still young, bright-eyed, and dreamy.
It is strange now, old as I am, but yet, I am not old at all; however, the use of my time is more crucial these days because when age pulls its trick, we face the painful realization that time is a limited item.
Therefore, every minute counts. Every second has its purpose. I realize this now and compare me back to when time was less important because time was just another day, and as a young man, to me, time was taken for granted because tomorrow was just a given.
Again, I am not so old that I cannot howl. But I am not so young that I can take time for granted and allow another day to pass me by without taking the next best step towards my goals.
Now though, I am here, working on this project of mine that I have been nurturing and cultivating for a long time now.
I am not sure where this will lead me and I am learning now (more than ever) that a finished product is not always what we envisioned in the beginning.
It was during the month of June in 2006. I sat down for the first time in front of an old, junked computer, which a friend of mine had restored.
I sat down to type my first series of journals and allowed them to be viewed by others. I had no training to be a writer. I didn’t know how to type. I had no sentence structure and although improved, I had no editing skills to speak of.
I had no idea what I was doing but that was fine. Instead, I had intention. I had a dream. I had the desire to allow this vision to blossom and flourish and become something. And the truth is sometimes, this is all you need.
I had a room with only a few belongings in it. I had a mostly empty apartment with no one else in it but me and my lonesome regrets.
My life had changed. My world shrunk and became instantly different. I had a list of character flaws, defects, and insecurities, and a mind filled with thoughts that refused to sit still. But more than what I had or didn’t have, I had a commitment that I made to myself. I made a decision to break away from my uncomfortable truths, my depression, and my past mistakes. Rather than nurture my regrets, I allowed my energy to switch direction and I nurtured the aspects of recovery instead of nurturing the wallow of regret.
My vision of what I set out to do is changed and continues to change on a daily basis. However, the one thing that remains consistent is my desire to be, think, feel, and become better. I want to be something more than just a writer. I want feel this way, to feel accomplished, to feel that feeling of placing the last puzzle piece, and finally, the bigger picture becomes clear.
I have fallen in some ways and become resurrected in others. I have made my share of mistakes. I had felt the sting of humiliation. And yes, I have seen doors close but I have also watched as other doors opened. I have bridges that burned and bridges that have become solidified with new bonds and new relationships.
And now, here I am sitting in a loft-like surrounding, and watching things fall into place.
It has been said by many great men, “The best thing that ever happened to me are the things that never happened.”
I take this as a way to change my perspective. I see the meaning of this is my biggest disappointments are what can lead me to my biggest successes. I see this as a perfect testament to life’s evolution because yes, life evolves. And no, life does not always coincide with our plans.
There was a time when I was dressed in a suit and tie, trying hard to find my way in different sales teams in different companies and trying to fit. But there was no fit because the match was poor. There was a time when I moved into a small office on 34th Street and tried my hand in selling the services for a website company provided services and information in optometry. Since the fashion industry never took to me in a fashionable way, I moved from one filed to another field. Then I turned in my white collar for a blue one. Then I went through the ideas of me becoming a writer. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be that guy, churning out novels, and have people sit back and read my thoughts.
I went from this to seeing more changes. I found myself in the face of new opportunities. I found the rejection process and my failures to be an unfortunately necessary and an inevitable part of my path.
I have faced the firing line. I have taken things to heart. I have taken pain. But more clearly, I have taken on the ability to endure and continue as a mantra of mine. Just keep going, I say. Don’t quit. Don’t stop. No matter what.
I went from considering the ideas of my own social and emotional problems to becoming part of the fight against some of the epidemics that plague our society. This picture changed several times. And still changes as I go forward.
I sit here now in loft-like surroundings, awaiting a meeting, and taking on a new project that will take me in a new direction. I owe it to myself to follow through because although my views have changed and my plans have changed as well, my life has also changed and in an effort to benefit my future, I am evolving with these changes because to do anything else would not make sense.
We are closing in on the New Year. I see this as a vision of hope and promise. I see this upcoming year as a route to my destination, which may or may not change again. I have gone from suit and tie gigs to blue collar gigs, to want to become the next great author, to being a recovery specialist, then to a mental health advocate, a coach, a sober coach, a certified consulting hypnotist, and next, I might be stepping into a new arena with new clients and my own podcast.
I know that life consists of change. However, the one thing that cannot change and has not changed is my intention to become and my desire to be, —because wholeheartedly, without drive, without desire, and without intention, life just happens. I don’t want my life to just happen. I want my life to be lived. I want my anxieties overcome. I want my fears proven wrong. I want my insecurities silenced by my intellect and furthermore, I want my pathway through life to be decorated in the best possible way.
As I sit and write to you, I can hear my name being called.
Wish me luck. I’m going in