Life Volume 1: The Thought Problem

I think first and foremost, the truth needs to be said that yes, it is accurate; you are all that you will ever need. Your body is equipped. Your mind is equipped. You have all that you need to live and live well. Somewhere though, deep, like a little seed planted inside your mind is the idea that tells you that something is missing.

Nothing is missing—

I watched a clip of a woman discuss her stuttering problem. She was physically beautiful, precious, with eyes that could solve a man’s pain but when she spoke, her stammer gave her a painful look of sad frustration.
She smiled though while feeling understood by her counselor. She smiled and laughed when hearing the ideas of hope. This was a laugh of relief, which I could tell because although she laughed, her eyes welled with tears because finally, there was a chance that she could be free.

She didn’t stutter when she read silently to herself. She didn’t stutter when she spoke to herself as an inner monologue, which was clear in her mind. When alone, the young woman would sing to herself and she didn’t stutter.
The stutter came publicly when the anxiety of what to say and how to say it came about. She was so anxious, the words stammered before leaving her mouth.
Still, she was her. She was a beautiful young woman with everything she needed to be and live.
The struggle, however, was in her mind. There was nothing physically wrong with her. However, her mind took off in a thought process that made it so she couldn’t speak.

This did not affect her ability to love or breathe or have a heartbeat. She was able to read and write. She was able to pass her classes in school.
She could eat, drink, bathe, and do all the basic necessities that come with living a day by day process. Somewhere though, deep, like a little seed planted in the mind was something that told her otherwise.

She was a strong young woman. Of course she was. She had to be strong because like it or not, the young girl was forced to endure. I assume though, if asked, she would be comfortable to be less strong and fine to be weaker and speak without stuttering.

Her eyes were truly angelic and her face was sweet, like a painting I once saw of a young black woman with beautiful sadness in her expression. This was an expression that looked as if she took on all the sadness of all mankind and endure the pain of her society’s trauma.

It is said that the kindhearted are often the most brokenhearted. It is also said that people that selflessly give themselves often find they are victims to those who selfishly take. And someone will tell them how wonderful they are. Someone will tell them how strong they are because they endure. However, compliments do not recognize or heal pain. Not at all and we fall to ourselves.

When the mind takes over, whether we react through a stutter or we act out behaviorally; whether we respond inwardly or outwardly, and whether the struggle is insecurity of a physical or social stimulus, still, we are absolutely and perfectly designed and equipped with everything we need to live a good, happy life.

I remember practicing a speech that I planned to deliver to my daughter. And it all went well as I rehearsed in the mirror. I rehearsed this in my mind repeatedly for days. I knew what I wanted to say. I knew what my heart wanted me to tell her but when the moment was upon me, my anxiety stumbled, and my thoughts betrayed me. The words in my heart were never able to leave my mouth the way I wanted. The reason is my plan and strategy were intercepted by anxious fears and emotions

This is not to say that I did not or do not have the ability to convey my thoughts or feelings. This does not mean I did not or do not love my daughter. No, this meant that my anxiety and the emotional thought process took hold.
Instead of thinking about my message; I worried about the external circumstances that I had no control over. I worried about the imaginary competition and the insecure subjects, which caused fear, and created distraction. This created phantoms in the mind or imaginary problems, which I predicted and reacted to. They weren’t real issues, but ti me they were as real as the day I signed my divorce papers.

I do not speak with a stutter, yet my communication stuttered at times, leaving it difficult for me to convey my message. This causes frustration and fear, causing more anxiety, causing more behavioral reactions to defend my inner heart, and furthermore, causing more difficulty simply because I stammered in communication because I’m afraid of outcomes that are out of my control.

I had to learn the difference between thought and feeling. I also had to learn the difference between feelings and emotions. I had to learn that when I allow my logical thought to be distracted by illogical emotion, I stumble in my mission to carry out my message.

We are very much an emotional species, which will defy us when we give in to the emotional thought process. The anxiety takes over and in response, we react to protect and stop the internal arguments we seem to have on a regular basis.

The emotional stutter is real and yet this is imaginary at the same time. This is our reaction to cognitive thinking.

The cognitive mind is where we store our memories and fears. This is where we mix our experiences with emotion to become feelings and where we base our predictions of things that may come; therefore, we react to our concerns. Whether accurate or not, we think; therefore we react.
Earlier, I referenced something planted, deep, like a seed. This is the cognitive mind

Strategic thinking—
Feeling and predictions are not always fact; yet, we react as if they are law. And me, when living less than my best possible self, I find myself reacting to a series of emotional thoughts and fears.
This is my stutter which makes it hard for me to speak or convey myself clearly. This is when I give in to my defects because I fear I am less than or not enough to be able to compete.
When living less than my best possible potential, I fall back on defense mechanisms. Essentially, I stutter in one form or another.
This is my anxiety keeping me still. This is my fear. This is my cognitive thinking at it’s less than best. This is when I assume the worst. I assume the loneliness and I assume the rejection. I assume the sum of all my worst fears, pain, and sadness will connect like a perfect storm and then it will be me, alone.

There is no fear or concern in the logic mind. This is why people that stutter do not stutter when they read quietly to themselves. I can say this of my own self; when I read a book, I can read well. However, one of the reasons I never do public readings of my posts or poetry is because the anxiety I feel when trying to read the next word. This is not an intellectual problem. No, this is a struggle with anxiety.

Back when we were kids in school and each had to take turns to read a paragraph out loud, I would see which paragraph we started at and then I would count the people that had to read before me.
The anxiety triggered like the timer on a bomb
I would find the paragraph I had to read. Then I would read it as an internal rehearsal so not to sound stupid in front of the class. I didn’t want to lose my place either but I would find myself distracted in my rehearsal because one of the other students would read out loud; and when it came to my turn, I found myself lost on the page. I was called out by name because I wasn’t paying attention to the other readers and all my internal rehearsals only made my reading problem worse.

I hated that feeling of reading out loud. I stuttered because I couldn’t get my mind to catch up with the words in the sentence.
In my life at 12-step meetings, I stayed away from meetings where reading was needed. If we had to read out loud, I would stay away. I never wanted to be asked to read anything out loud, which, as a writer, makes it tough to reach that next level.

My stutter is my anxiety and I stutter most when I give in to anxious thoughts instead of focusing on the logic of my strategy. This is also one of the reasons why I chose to become certified in hypnotherapy.
I believe in the visualization process and the benefits of neuroplasticity to rewire our thinking. For my own benefit, I had to learn speculation is not always an accurate friend. I had to understand that I am not that kid in class anymore, nervous about the paragraph I have to read, and afraid that I will lose my place on the page. I’m not that kid anymore but I still have that fear and I use this as an analogy to define my social anxieties that I needed to overcome.

I had to learn how to let this go of old thoughts that trigger emotional concerns; otherwise, I will always be that little stuttering kid that had to read out loud, anxious and scared, and afraid to be judged and rejected.




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