Letters From A Son: Springtime

I know it’s been a while since my last letter. A lot has gone on. Good things happened. Bad things too. I swear, life is hard to keep up with sometimes. But I keep swinging. I keep moving and I’ keep trying to find my way. I won’t stop either. I promise.

The weather is starting to warm up. The grass is green again and the trees are starting to show life. The transition happens quickly up in the mountains. One day, everything looks wintery. The trees are still empty. The ground is just about to thaw and the red-breasted robins are starting to come back. Next thing, everything becomes green. It happens so fast. Just like life, right?

One day becomes two days quicker than we think. I say this because so much time has passed but yet, sometimes, it feels like you and I were just sitting at breakfast in Pompano Beach.

Something I’m learning is not everything is supposed to work out. Not everything fits.
I’ve been trying to get  few projects off the ground. Some of them work but some of them don’t. But at least I’m trying and at least i’m learning.

One thing I learned is not everyone shares the same vision. More and more, I learned that I need to realize not everyone thinks the same way. Even if they appear to think the same way, not everyone will share the same vision or have the same drive to achieve it.
It is a mistake to assume others will think, feel, see things, or react the way I would.

I’ll never know what life looks like through someone else’s eyes. I’ll never know what it feels like for someone else to lift something heavy. I don’t know what loss or fear is like from someone else’s viewpoint. I only know what it feels like to me. So it’s best for me to just be considerate.

I know that maturity takes time, which is strange because sometimes I think I was more mature when I was younger. Or maybe I’m mature enough to realize not everything is so damned serious. It pays to loosen up.

Back as a kid, people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I don’t think I ever knew the answer to this question.
I’m not sure if I know what the answer is now.
All I know is whatever I become when I grow up, I just want to be young. I want to be happy.  I want to feel like I’ve done something. I want to feel like I’ve made a difference and had fun while doing it.

I’m telling you Mom, this is the part that gives me the most concern. I want find a way to pull off my trick. I don’t want to feel like I quit or gave up or gave in and took the consolation prize. I am scared that this might not pull through. And that’s what hits the worry system.

Another thing I learned is that emotion is not always a friend. Sometimes going on my gut is not the best thing. But sometimes, going with my gut is the only thing.
I wish you were here. I don’t know what you would think of my classroom presentations. I know you never liked hearing much about that part of my life. But I understand why.

The kids respond to me though. So do the teachers.
I am asked why I cry during some of my classes. I tell them because this is very real to me. This is my trick. This is what I’m trying to pull off. I want them to see all of me and I want them to watch the hurt disappear. I want to remove their shame and their guilt. I want to take away their awkwardness and let them know how truly wonderful each of they are.

I have this dream of me on the west coast. I’m by the beach. I look out at the sea. I got here on my own. I got here on my own steam. I worked for this. I earned it and no one can take it away from me.
Who knows if this will happen? But wither way, I’ll keep shooting for the stars.

I’ve been keeping up with my journals . I look back at the things I’ve gone through. I read back on what I’ve done and what I’ve accomplished. I also think about the time I’ve wasted.
I think about the way I could have handled things differently. But I guess this is what maturity is. We learn and we grow. But no matter how much we grow, of all things I know; the one thing I know most is every kid needs his Mom.

It’s funny, when you were around, I would tell you I knew what I was doing. I’d tell you not to worry because I wanted you to back off.
I know why I was frustrated. I know why I was angry. I would tell you, “Leave me alone. I know what I’m doing.”
But no that you’re gone, it’s like . . .
it’s like I turn around and hope you’re there.
But you’re not. Well, at least, not really.

I do believe you are with me. I know there is nothing so strong as a Mother’s love. I guess what I’m really trying to say is I miss you.
Like I said the weather is getting warmer.
The butterflies will be out soon.

Miss you, Mom.

Sleep well

Your son

B-


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