My Christmas List

Moving through the month of December, we are at the home stretch of the holiday season. People are looking for their last minute stocking-stuffers and gifts to put under the tree. I have some ideas myself. I have some thoughts about what I’d like to get this year. I have some ideas of gifts I’d like to give. Unfortunately, my ideas go a little beyond the normal catalog abilities and nothing from my list is sold in stores. 

Coming soon, it will be time for the good ol’ New Year’s resolutions. Next, people will say the famous lines, “out with the old, and in with the new.” There are people that say, “new year, new me.” And I get that. 
I get the idea of needing a vision. I understand the need to mark a date or to have something be the catalyst of change. Maybe something we should all ask for this Christmas is the resolve to do what it takes to reach our next best level. Or how about a list of secrets to our endurance? That would be a good gift.

Every year, I have my own special Christmas list. However, my list is something that goes beyond the abilities of Santa and his elves. Perhaps these are just dreams of mine. Maybe my ideas are wishes. Either way, I like my list. It is compiled of visions I have for myself as well as for my loved ones.

I understand my list is not realistic. Then again, what good is a wish if the wishes themselves aren’t worth the stars we wish upon, right?
Somewhere beyond the winning lottery numbers and more than the ideas of a classic car, preferably a red convertible with a V8 engine and an endless gas tank, and aside from the 42’ fishing boat that I’ve had my eye on for quite some time now, I have other ideas that money cannot buy.

I would like to see my young friend Carsyn have a good Christmas. He is only 11. He already beat Neuroblastoma once when he was only two. Now he is 11 and the cancer came back.
I want this to go away.
I want him to heal and climb mountains and change the world the same way this young boy has changed mine. I want to see him smile without any interruption or without any hesitation.
I want to see the relief come to his parents, as if the word Neuroblastoma or cancer was never even heard of. I want this the same as I want Christmas to return to the way it should be with Holiday cheer and carolers, Santa and Rudolph and the sound of a choir during midnight mass as they sing, Oh Holy Night.

I want to resolve a few of my old disputes. I want to apologize for some of my old mistakes and see healing come to us all. I want to express the warmth and have this felt as well as be understood. I want to absolve myself as well as a few others of our pasts so that we don’t have to pretend anymore or look backwards.
I want to see the anger go away between us all. I want to watch the resentments dry up like rain from the sun. I want to feel the miracle of absolution; to start a clean slate, to begin fresh and to be relieved of our weightiness so that we can breathe easier, like “Ah, what a relief!”

I want to see this vision of mine come to fruition. I want to find some new parts to this trick I’ve been building. I have been building this trick throughout the course of my entire life. It’s magic. It’s the kind that heals and rebuilds, grows and strengthens. 
I want to find the missing ingredients in my plan. I want us all to find whatever it is that we’ve been missing because this will only help us in the long run.
As for those that I care for, I want us all to find peace this upcoming year. I want to see people find that old connection called friendliness. I want to see people interact more. I want to see kids playing in the playgrounds again. I want to see a ban on all political rhetoric and nonsense and as a result, we could talk about things that are simple and common like, say, what a great thing it is to watch the sunset – or maybe we could talk about how incredible it is to sit down to a family dinner with all the chairs full, all the bellies happy and all the peace that a meal like this brings.

If I may ask for anything (and please, I hope you take this as it is intended) I would like to ask that you find the senses you’ve been looking for; to be rid of the regrettable yesterdays and free from doubt; to find the spirit of forgiveness for others as well as yourself; to feel that surge of purity and love; to breathe without any weight on your chest and to have the tension in your life become nothing less than unobjectionable. 

I would like to hear the sound of my Old Man’s voice. I’d like a phone call from where The Old Man lives with my Mom. I know that Santa hasn’t quite figured out how to get the phones to ring there, but still, if I am to have a wish list, then I want to make my wish list worthwhile.

I wish I could redo a few years with a little girl named Rachel. I wish she knew more about the truth of things instead of what she learned. But this is life. This is what happens sometimes. And this is why they say, “In the land of the blind, he with one eye is king.”

I’d like to see more clearly this year. I would like to separate emotions from strategy. I don’t want to be a robot or unemotional. I just want to be clear; this way I’ll learn not to take the unnecessary comments personal or be offended.
I want to enjoy us. I want to enjoy being a real person, faults and all. I want to celebrate my honesty and laugh about the misconception that being vulnerable means being weak.

You know, sometimes when I write people send me messages. They tell me what they think I’m trying to say, which is pretty funny, because their interpretations are usually inaccurate.
For now though, I will close. I will close with the idea of a white Christmas and with the warm intention that my list is pure because my heart is pure. At least, I want it to be.

I better get started on my Christmas list now. I hope Santa knows that I’ve made my share of mistakes this year. I’m sure we all have. But deep down, I know there is good in the world. It’s just hard to see sometimes – especially during a pandemic.

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