Switching Focus

Everyone knows what this is like but yet, when it all goes down, there is in fact an inherent sense of loneliness. When life fails or when you find yourself at the bottom of misfortune; or wait no, even worse is when you find out you’ve been wronged or betrayed, or wait no; when you’ve invested so much into someone for so long, you worked and bled, sweat and your tears were all given; only to wake up and realize that it all went wrong. You wake up to see your life blow up in your face. Your hopes are sunk and your heart breaks. In the meantime, there is nothing but the truth of what just happened. There is nothing but loss and the taste of contempt that coats your tongue. This is life sometimes. No one gets out without a scratch. Unfortunately, heartache finds everyone.

Nevertheless, what goes for one does not go for all. This is not to say that all heartaches match. This is not to say that we all feel or react the same way. Nevertheless, there is a commonality. There is truth to the lonesomeness when you’re down and out. There is truth to the sense of loneliness when someone pulls the rug right out from under us.
There is a sad lonesome feeling when depression strikes. And there is truth to the story about the popular heroes. There is truth to the story that says everyone is around when it’s all going good. Everyone loves the rock star. Everyone is around when the cups are all full.
Everyone’s a friend when life is good and the weather is pretty. Everyone is around until suddenly, the world alters and fate changes. The clouds are stormy or the air gets cold. Maybe someone needs a little wood for their fires so they use your name as firewood just to keep warm.
Misfortune hits. Maybe you fail. Maybe you make a mistake and find yourself publicly exposed. And suddenly the plates on your table are not so plentiful. Suddenly there’s a mark next to your name. There’s a stigma attached to you. Suddenly, everything you did that was right and all the laughs and all the plastic friendships melt to the heat of an unexpected explosion. 

There are people I have met that had the gold star next to their name. They were first on the bench. Everyone knew their name. Everyone wanted to help them. Everyone wanted to do favors for them until fate changed the lineup. Call this an injury. Call it someone new came along and took their position. Say this happened because someone was “Better” and then suddenly, all the thunder and all the glamour somehow vanished.
I have seen this firsthand in my own life as well as with others that shared similar experiences. And then suddenly, the phone calls dwindle or they’re not even returned. The favors are gone. So is the attention. So are the cheers, the support and the warmth from the hand.

I have seen people enter into divorce who have not only divorced their spouse, they’ve divorced a family and friends as well. I have seen this in my own life. I can say that this does in fact happen. I can say that yes, when the bottom falls out, it becomes really easy to see who is real and who was fake.

Someone asked about me from my ex-life. And I call this my ex-life because that life never belonged to me in the first place. Nor do I want to claim ownership of my past anymore. The old me needed that life. The old me identified with it. In fact, the old me was unsure how to be anything different, which is why I separate this by explaining this was the old me and that was my ex-life. However, now, this is the new me which took me some time to develop.
Someone asked about me from my ex-life. And they were told, “He’s doing really well.”
The person said, “That’s good to hear.”
They were told, “You should call him. I’m sure he would appreciate hearing from you.”
The person that asked about me shrugged and then shook their head and said, “Yeah, I can’t do that.”
They said this because they had to choose a side. They had to pick their loyalty.

There are in fact people that choose sides. This is fine because eventually, I had to choose a side as well.
I had to choose wisely too. This is why I chose my side. I chose me.
I chose to honor my needs and my growth. I chose to honor my improvement and rather than attach myself to other people, outside opinions or other things, —I chose to focus on the energy of my output and the effort of my recovery. I did this so that I can be, build, improve and grow.
I chose to see myself differently. I chose not to see myself as alone, simply because I was by myself.

I chose me.
I chose to learn how to appreciate my own company. I chose to learn how to rebuild. I chose empowerment. I chose encouragement. I chose to build, create and recreate, as well as destroy (if the need be).
And by destroy, I do not mean this in the violent sense. I do not use this word with a negative association. Instead, I say destroy with the means to destroy the unwanted remnants of my old-time self and the old-time memories that take me back to who I was and how I felt.
I collapsed the bridges that take me through the old pathways of thinking, old synapses and impulses, which only served to dig me in deeper.  I chose me so that I can build instead of bury my head beneath the ground and live in that sad shameful way that says “Hey, shit just doesn’t go right.”

I have news which should not be new or alarming. We are all flawed. We all do things. We all make mistakes and have imperfections. I openly admit to mine. I throw my mistakes out into the world; as in right here and right now. I admit it. I am insecure. I’ve said things and done things with selfish motivations to achieve instant gratification by a means that was far less than virtuous. I’ve done this as a means of protection to find satisfaction or soothe the pains of a programmed way of life.

I admit it. This was me. I admit to my selfish moments. I admit to my crimes and my sins and my share of punishments. I paid for them. And I have receipts to prove it. I have a few scars to prove this as well.

The truth is everyone falls. Another truth is not everyone understands the success of getting back up. So yes, I admit it. It’s lonely on the bottom. It’s lonely during the rebuild. It can even be lonely at the top because let’s face it, who knows who’ll be there if it all falls down again? Not everyone comes with a warning sign that says “Look out! I have a knife behind my back.”
I see no purpose in denying the truth that people have an agenda. This is true. However, I see this as growth to understand this fact and not have it impact my life in one direction or another.

I suppose the best lesson I ever learned was equally the toughest lesson I ever learned. People are funny. Not every smile is friendly. Not every friend is a good friend. Either way, at the end of the day, all one can do is see themselves in the mirror and come to a constructive conclusion. This is important because at the end of the day and in the beginning, my day starts and ends with me. So does yours. My choices, my paths and my growth depend upon me. And the same goes for you. Outside sources are only a distraction. So are people. So is fame. So is fortune, popularity and so are all the glitzy glamorous things that go along with superficial life. 

Switch your focus.
Change your settings.
Find your purpose.
Do this and you will never fail again for the rest of your life.

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