I Found (It!) – Entry Fifteen

I had been in search of the obvious for way too long. It was clear that something was missing in my life. However, it was unclear that everything I had ever been looking for was always right there; right in front of my face.
All the facts were there. Everything was obvious but not to me. No, I was caught up in the cognitive distortions of who I was and who I wanted to be.
Now, I say this because odds are no one ever picks on the captain of the football team. No one ever bullies the toughest kid in the school. No one messes with the crazy kids and no one picks on the socially desirable. 
Everyone loves the head cheerleader. We celebrate the wealthy and we exploit the beautiful to a cheaper value. But still, attention in the smallest degree is like gold, especially when we are starved for it.

I can see how people give in to this. People lose themselves to the ideas of status. Who are the cool ones? Who has the status? Odds are most people are looking to make it through the day without a hassle, but hassles travel. Life happens and whether we are popular or disregarded, everyone is looking to find their place in the magic circle. Everyone is looking for the right fit or to be invited and included. Therefore, here we are dressed in these suits which we call bodies. We have similarities and attributes that make us different and unique.  Some people are genetically favored and others are a bit more challenged.

This is us. Blue eyes or brown or green and blonde hair or black or red; this is us too. We have our own beauty. We have our own doses of imperfection. We all have at least one trait that makes us outstanding yet, there are times when we fail to see this in ourselves.
We have been greatly mistrained. We have been fed the wrong information and/or better yet, we believe in the right or wrong about ourselves. Inconveniently, we focus more on the so-called wrongs than we do with anything else.

I’ve never known what it’s like to have washboard abs. I have never had what is commercially seen as a good body. I was never much of an athlete and, in fairness, I never saw myself as much of anything at all.
I was never the captain of the football team. I was never part of the popular crowd and though I was never unpopular, safe to say that I experienced my share of hazing and bullying.
Perhaps this is why I was always trying to improve my trick. Therefore, by creating an image, I thought that somehow I could create a more desirable and attractive personality. 

To put this in perspective, I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be attractive and to feel attractive.
On top of this, I wanted to be in a room and be fine with whatever or whomever surrounded me. 
I wanted this but the question became when would what I have be enough? Was there even such a thing as having enough?

I go back to the ideas of elitism and the people who celebrate exclusivity. I go back to the ideas of the secret handshake clubs and the people with their closed groups. I go back to the thoughts about the red carpet crowd and the velvet-rope society. In other words, I go back to the need to fit “in” or be chosen as one of the few. Humbly, I go back to the idea that perhaps I was unflattering and to be included, I would have to change myself to fit a better criteria.
I was starved, I tell you. I was starved for attention and affection. I was hungry for acceptance but at the same time, I never learned how to appreciate what was already on my plate. Instead, my eyes were on all else but me. I never learned that what I have in my head and in my heart was absolutely enough and so long as I learned to cherish this, I would never be left “wanting” or feel “empty.”
I think back to the times of irrational comparisons and how I came to the finding that as often as I tried, I looked to include myself. I looked to be part of the crowd and while on occasion I might have found myself in the middle of a great time because I had involved or included myself – I found that I never knew about the satisfaction of being invited.
I found out that I needed to find myself; that I needed to find my worth and understand my value because in all – I could look around the world to find myself or search every corner. But either way, I would always be lost if I had no idea what I was worth. 

I learned that I gave myself away too cheaply. I gave into ideas that led me to the point of diminishing returns. I was caught in the mindset that I had to dress the part to be the part. Whichever part this was or whatever suit I chose to cloak my body, nothing ever seemed to fit.

There was a reason for this.
Aside from my cognitive distortions and thinking errors, my struggles with people were simple. I was insecure. I was awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin, which meant that I was afraid that others would see me as I saw myself.
Now, in all fairness to me and to the intention of this entry, my aim is to detail the human need to be wanted and included. Also, my aim is to detail what people go through just to be accepted – even if what we do might be unacceptable, people will do anything to be accepted.
This is more than the difference between the wealthy and the poor. This was more than my struggles with elitism or the elitist manifesto and the associations with class and prosperity. 

God, I was so many different people before I learned what it means to find myself. And I mean truly find myself which in my case, the search continues. However, the trek is no longer what it used to be. My aims are not the same nor is my version of success. Now, to add some color, I can say that I had the least when I had the most.
I had a crowd. I had status. I had money in the bank. I had a decent job which paid me well. I had health insurance. I had a car. I had a place to live and some bells and whistles to make life pretty.
At the same time, I had nothing at all.
I was empty and bankrupt. There was nothing to touch or feel. Instead, there was only a sense of absence; as if I were missing in plain sight or invisible in broad daylight. 

I tried different outfits. I tried to influence my accent and the way I spoke. However, I am and will always be me. No matter how big or small I become, I will always be me. In fact, I will only be me; now and from the time of my birth until the moment of my final breath – at best, I will only be me, which meant that I had to learn how to become comfortable with my discomforts. I had to learn to find my talents and feed them.
I had to stop the constant comparisons. Otherwise, I would always be lost and misled by an inaccurate version of myself. 

I have been to places where people look to mingle and trade themselves to see who is worth more. I have watched the miserable millionaires as they turned their nose up to speak down to the so-called help. I’ve sat with the elitists whose amount of class was positively outshined by people who were otherwise penniless. 

I knew that I had to change my concepts; but more, I had to improve my outlook by improving my viewpoint. I had to change my scenery and the people, places and things that I had outgrown.
Most importantly, I had to allow myself the permission to walk away. I had to find the courage to dare, to stand up when I needed to, and, in all honesty, I had to find a way to enjoy my own company and appreciate the sight of my own face in the mirror. Otherwise, I would always be lonely.

I will never be the captain of a football team. And I might not have a washboard stomach. (To be honest, I have more of a keg than a six-pack when it comes to the abs department.) I might never win the vote on who is most popular, but that’s okay. The worst of all lonesome feelings is to be alone in a crowd of familiar strangers. 
I found a way to change this.
Most of all, I found out the reason why nothing was never enough for me is because I was never enough for me. Hence, the inner narcissist. Hence, the reasons why all of my relationships were challenged. Hence, this is one of the reasons why I was never happy – or better yet, this is why I never felt comfortable.

Know what I mean?

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