I Found (It!) – Entry Sixteen

And it’s true. There are days that cannot end soon enough. It is also true that there are times that you want to break out of the continuous feeling of something’s gone wrong; yet, we still have a race to run. We still have life in front of us and somehow, somewhere, probably deep down, we have to find whatever it takes to get up and get moving. 

Funny, as I write this to you, I found myself taking a deep breath and pushing out an exhale through puffed cheeks and a circled mouth. Maybe this entry is more for myself than it is for anybody else. Or, maybe this is the reason why I’ve created this little place in my mind – so I can come and leave things like this here (with you).

No one is above hard times. Myself, included. No one escapes unscathed and, in fact, we all have our own instances of post traumatic stress. Or more accurately, perhaps we have our own shares of current traumatic stress. They say this happens to the best of us. However, no one cares to hear about this – especially when they find themselves in the middle of a crisis. No one wants to hear catchy slogans or the age-old clichés that act more as an insult than helpful advice.
You might want to give up but you know that you can’t. You won’t give up but dammit all, the stress is too high.
Thoughts are racing. We have confrontation anxieties. We have focus worries and concerns about our outcomes, which we know are beyond our control. 

We have times when it is too much. This can be either pain or pressure. This can be anxiety or the anticipation of what’s coming next. This can be a lot for some of us and for others, this can be too much.

I have heard people say that they never once thought about quitting or giving up. I have heard people tell me about their life and their happy little addresses and their happy streets and their happy curtains at their home that hides the details of what goes on inside.
There are people who brave it all and simply push through; come hell or high-water, grit their teeth and they endure whatever comes. And of course, there’s the underdog whom I cheer for. There’s the underdog who’s been counted out and yet – they still ante up, every single day. 

They say to “Think it through.”
These ideas we have about quitting or the ideas we have of walking away or giving in, which is not to say that there aren’t times when it’s time to walk away. No, this is not about that. This is about the sheer frustration we feel. This is about the lonesomeness we endure when we find ourselves on our own and no matter who we talk to, people are either listening to respond or they’re hardly listening at all. Or, maybe they don’t get it. Or maybe no one does. There’s truth to this because no one will ever feel exactly the same as you or me. No one will ever know what the color blue looks like from behind your eyes nor will anyone see the color green through mine. 

Our associations are often similar but nothing is the same. At least, not exactly. Still, we find ourselves in this place which I like to call Project Earth. We are here on a huge conveyor belt moving through an infinite thing called a universe. We are small and living in a finite system which means that time is endless. But our time is limited. Our list of wants and needs have changed since we were children. We’re grown now. Or, at least we’re supposed to be. However, I find an honest connection to a popular quote, which goes, “I’ve wanted to run away more times as an adult than I ever did as a kid.”

Let’s face it though.
We find ourselves at moments when it’s hard and for some people, this is nothing. This is just life. This is just another minute in the day. But for others, they can’t seem to do anything else but “feel.”

What I am about to share is something real and hard and this is part of me. This is part of my weakness and yet, this is part of my strength as well. Openly, I admit that I have considered the end of it all. I have thought about life without me in it. And we’ll say this, when you’re standing there at a line in the sand; one side is life and the other side is the end; I will say that this moment is truly intense.
I can say that when I wove something around my throat and when I commenced an abrupt ending; when I felt the pain was too much and saw nothing else or when I truly believed that I, being me, and as I am – and when I saw this reflection or when I saw that there was no other way – yes, I admit to what I had done. I admit the depression has taken me here. I admit that these thoughts are like nagging little children sometimes, often screaming out for attention, always needing reassurance, but mostly scared and sincerely in need of attention, affection and relief. 

I will say that the idea of dying is not what was on my mind. Instead, I simply wanted everything to stop. I wanted everything to slow down even if it was just for a moment. But nothing in life will ever stop. Life will always keep going and time will always keep on ticking. And I say this to you with hopes that you can refrain from judgment or your misassumptions of who I am, was, or what I’ve been through. 

Perhaps my reason for expressing this is because each day we have to find a reason to live. We have to find our purpose. We have to find something that puts wind in our sails.
Otherwise, we find ourselves in this stagnant life or an otherwise purgatory where life passes us. People live and laugh and they move about the world. And we find ourselves in the crosshairs of impending doom and the catastrophizing assumption that this is just us. This is just our life. 

We find ourselves almost encapsulated by our doubt. This was me; admittedly, I was there. In fact, I’ve been there more than once. I’ve been to the point where my frustration is nothing short of a tremendous avalanche. I want to scream. I want to squeeze my fists. I want to ask why? Or, how come?

I place this here because there are people out there and the numbers are climbing. There are people who live their entire life believing in their own personal rejection. They believe in their judgments and they believe that, at best, this is the best their life will ever be.

Do you want to talk about the reasons for inner narcissism?
Do you want to understand self-destructive behavior?
Do you want to talk about the idea why nothing works or “feels” right?
Why do people quit?

They say the physical body begins to shut down before we die. I say the emotional body can shut down sometimes. I say that slowly, we stop working. We stop hoping and, worst of all, we stop believing. 

“You don’t have to do this.”
There is a way . . .

These are great things to say but to someone who’s almost checked out; to someone who can’t seem to get away from this; they can’t get away from themselves; they can’t stop the locomotive or they can’t believe that anything else will work – it’s impossible for them to see a sense of future.
It’s impossible to feel anything but what we feel in the moment. I say this because first, this is real. Second, this is true. And third, I see no helpful reason to deny this nor do I see the success in being quiet about something so challenging and punishing which has killed countless people in this world. But either way, we still have a race to run.
I get it. You just need a rest. You just want to hit a button and hope that everything behind you can be erased. 

It’s the shame and it’s the degradation that life has not become what you’ve always wished for. Wishes become toxic because they expose the contrast in what you have as opposed to what you want.
Put two feet on the ground. You don’t have to find anything else. At least, not right now. Put two feet on the ground. Now, take a step. Start. Move. Make a plan. Take a breath. Shout if you have to or scream the word “Stop!” as loud as you possibly can. 


Now breathe.
I’ve heard people tell us what we “Have” to do. Come to think of it, I have been told what I “have” to do throughout my entire life. 

But the crisis wasn’t about knowing what to do – the challenge I had was how?
How do I do this?
How can I feel better?

How do I find the drive or the energy and the passion it takes to keep on going?

I woke up on the floor of a bathroom. The noose I tied was shaken free and me, I was alive at a moment when I planned to be dead.
And look –

No one wants to hear about this but, at the same time, almost everyone has contemplated the end at least once in their life – if not more.
I have a public forum and at the same time I have a job. I have a business. I have a life which can be affected by news like this. And still, I’m here.
I’m saying what no one else says. I’m addressing what no one wants to address and I am exposing my truths because when you have that gun in your hand or when the needle goes down to the vein or when the pills are about to go down your throat or in a moment of finality and you’re about to jump – I would rather say this to you – that in fact, I dared the edge too.

I found myself on the floor wondering if I was a failure – or not.

I am here because aside from reaching out to you, I am in search of the details and the directions to living a good, happy life. I’m taking notes so that I can be helpful to others.
I am here to gain a better mantra, to find my spot in the circle and last but certainly not least, I am here to find a way to pull off my trick.
So I can say, “Ta-Da!”
And sigh in relief.

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