It rained last night
and this morning was gray with a slight mist.
I awoke later than usual –
the sun was trying to peek through the clouds
like a round spot in the sky
with a shade of orange in the silvery shadows
The grass is wet and the smell from the earth
is like that of a late summer rain and me
I am still me
with a mind full of ideas.
It is not too far
to think about the distance between
me and my future, or you and your future
which is now.
I have sat and contemplated,
wondered and worried,
calculated and cautioned myself
at least a thousand times.
I think too much. Yeah. I know.
I have hopes to build something,
which goes beyond the simple foundations
and structures of my purpose and yet;
I know that effort is the engine of accomplishment.
I know that talk is great and yet;
I know that talk is cheap.
I know that nothing gets done
if no one rolls up their sleeves
and is willing to get their hands dirty.
I know this now.
I know that I tell you a lot about “my trick”
and I know
that I tell you about my need to pull this off.
I also tell you about these entries in my journal
and how important this is to me.
I know that I share this with you every day
and there’s a reason why
which I’m sure you know about.
I have this thing, which I keep with me,
like a little trinket
or a special, lucky rabbit’s foot.
I have to keep this with me
I have to keep something to hold my hope
otherwise, it’s too easy for me
to forget why I started this trip.
and it’s not easy
but then again, who am I telling?
You know all about me
You know everything
But, I can tell you what I know
I know what it means
to get back to the old drawing board.
I also know what it means
to take something out for a test flight;
to have hopes
that my take off will be flawless and beautiful.
And, well, then it goes up
or out f my control
Better yet, it goes something like this:
Did I ever tell you about the time
I bought my nephew
one of those small remote control planes?
I saw this in the middle of a mall
and sure enough, this was a perfect idea for a gift.
I never knew much what happened after I gave this gift –
at least, not until months later.
I heard that the plane went up in the air
and then crashed down immediately.
This all took place within minutes.
Totaling the plane as well as my gift.
I think about this sometimes,
although I admit that this happened years ago –
I think about the anticipation of flight.
I think about the beauty of imagination
and need for something flawless,
or something almost childlike (to give me something to believe in)
Then I think about the offsetting protocols of reality,
which often fails to coincide with our fantasy.
Do you want to know what my biggest fear is –
It’s more than a crash and burn like the plane and yet,
at the same time; I am afraid to crash and burn
I’m afraid I’ll never have the chance
to try again
. . . . or redeem myself.
I’m afraid of the rejective thinking, which comes along
like say, each time I took a shot at the basket
I am afraid of old demons
You know the ones. don’t you?
They are the ones who look to convince
the fresh starts that old things will go wrong again,
in which case;
I am afraid of a reproduction of the past
or the duplication of an old shame,
and old humiliation,
or an old unresolved tension, which up until this date –
this is what holds me back.
In fact, this is what holds most of us back –
the idea of missing out, the idea of being alone or abandoned,
or the ideas that our imperfections,
or the fact that at some point,
everyone has been laughed at
and then again, no one wants to experience that
No one wants to be rejected or refused
or, unwanted and disregarded.
You know, it’s funny.
No one admits to the truth these days
not when it comes to the intimate details of “self”
No one wants to claim their own truths,
unless their truths are cool or popular ones and yet –
the truth is,
we all have connections to fears and feelings
as well as worries of anticipation
and the anxiety that comes
linked to a connection of our past disappointments
or the unfortunate exposures that happened in our youth.
In fairness, I am a grown version of that six year old me
who was yelled at
who was scolded in front of the class
who was on the wrong end of the bully machine.
I am no different from the 8 year-old version of me
who was humiliated in the cafeteria – remember?
This was done by one of the lunch aides
who thought it was necessary
to tell everyone what just happened to me.
I am a grown version of that sixth-grade me;
this is the one who thought it would be fun
to play a sport; until I did,
until I learned that I was not very good at basketball,
until I was bullied
and slapped around in the locker room,
or until I learned the value of status
and the who’s who in the world of capabilities.
What good are you if you can’t do anything?
Everyone needs to be great at something;
and when I say this
I mean something a little bit more
than a good jump shot
or to be good from the foul line
and a high-point scorer on the team.
this might be a great thing to do but to be clear;
things like this or the great days on the football field,
or the baseball field, or any field of any kind;
these are fleeting moments,
which can come to an end – and then what?
I don’t want to relive the days of my youth anymore.
No, I want to live today as best as I can
whether I cross the finish line
whether I shoot and score or,
whether I score the winning point –
I want to live each day
as if this day is me at my best
Everyone needs a purpose
because without this, life is just pointless.
Everyone needs to be great at something;
at least at one thing,
and to me – this is my trick.
This is what I want to do
and this is what I’ve been trying to pull off
for years now and yet,
this is the thing I am most afraid of –
We all gather to witness the initial take off
and then just like it happened to my nephew,
something goes wrong
and the moment crashes and burns.
I call this out to be nothing other than human
and out of our control;
therefore, I am human. Just like the rest of us are.
We all have wants and needs.
We all have flaws and defects
We all have fears and worries
or concerns about who we are
or that our time will be cut short
and we’ll miss out on that one true thing
that makes us great.
I don’t know what today will bring
but somehow, and for some reason,
I can feel something in my bones.
It looks like the sun is coming out now
and the weather is taking a turn for the better.
I can feel a shift in the momentum
which could take me in either direction.
So, rather than focus on the crash and burn,
I think it might be better
if we focus on the take off –
at least for now, rather than borrow troubles from the future
and predict the problems that might come our way –
Let’s say we just give it a go,
just for today,
Let’s say we see what happens
before we predict failures of things
which haven’t happened yet.
Know what I mean?
We are all in the run from death and seeking ways to confirm.our importance and immortality and perhaps our soul is immortal, who knows? We live in our heads,while all around us life revolves.