It’s not there now,
and now, I’ll have to find what I am looking for.
I’ll have to find the trail or the path
or the way
and so, I go and I move
and I find new ways to navigate
my way from here to there.
Whatever that means.
look up.
look ahead.
See?
It is another early morning,
which is the usual time when I come here to find you.
I am no different from the young version of me
who sought to dream and yet,
I have grown so much and therefore,
I am lifetimes away from who I was.
I am lightyears away from the unchangeable past
and too distant from tomorrow to tell what is coming.
I am here to perpetuate and create a movement
and I am here, screaming and pleading for a change.
I am here to adjust and rearrange my future
to keep the past from happening again
which, again,
I understand why we find ourselves
in that reoccurring loop
we are thy key and the secret to our personal ingredients
and too
we are the secrets to our own endurance
and the reasons why we fail
or succeed
Everything comes down to this
to us
and to the truth of the matter
which is we can stay and stand our ground
or we can turn and hide,
or we can run like cowards
and run from the fact that
there is more that we want out of life
Either we dare and do
or we don’t do anything at all
except die alive
and live this way
util the hour of our death
(Amen)
We are who we are, of course,
and so I can never be you or anyone else.
I can never be anyone, except for who I am
and while I can appreciate the way we try to adapt
or adjust our sides
so that our square pegs fit in the round holes;
I have no choice but to refuse this motto
and break the mold.
I see no other attractive option but to rid myself
from the common and remove myself from the average.
I am
Therefore
I am this
everything. . .
I am not the sun or the moon
and nor can I associate myself with the wealth of the stars.
Yet, I am human.
Hear me roar.
I am man.
I am this,
I am the person who you see, and still;
I am far more and furthermore,
I am more than the man who you see before you.
I am like the heart of the sun, warm inside
and flashing, like a star
brighter to the sights of only one soul
(namely, you)
Therefore, I am here, undressing, unfolding,
and unravelling like an awkward spool of thread
that was bound up, too tight,
and for too long.
I am here to let myself go
As in to be
Free . . .
And what is free?
what does this mean
free?
Ah, to be this
to be absent of the restrictions
and absolved from the weight of gravity
or abandoned and peacefully weightless
and to no longer be hinged to passion . . .
Free
as if to be here but gone
in plain sight
and to never be slaved
to the worries of the passionless modus of operandi;
which means the mode or the methods of operation.
Ah, to be free
to be free from the status quo
and removed from the maze
and the race and the daily labyrinths
and free from anything
that refuses to give us our day, this daily bread
because if I am trapped or caged by anything
it would have to be my own selfish, self-centeredness
because also, and in all fairness
we are all too unforgiving of our trespassers yet,
we are always ready and quick
to expect those to forgive us
as we trespass against them.
Do as I say
not as I do
or do as I want you
to do unto me
and forget what I have done
unto you
Ah the ever-moving, ever-growing,
and always speaking hypocrite
who continues to move the standards,
despite the rules they set for you
when it comes to the cases for themselves.
My time is too valuable
to be wasted like I did when I was young
and so, I am too young to be this old
or cynical
and yes, I am often reminded that it has been said,
“realism and skepticism
is not the cynicism and pessimism”
I do not want to be a cynical pessimist and yes,
I am skeptical. And yes, being realistic
allows me to break up with the rocky relationships
like the ones I have with my past trauma
which determine my new traumas
by assuming one thing is like all things
and that all roads lead me down the same way.
But this is untrue.
I ask to find the freedom and the strength
to step away from the emotional quicksand
which is the thing
that causes me to fall and drown
in the assumptions of a constant
but always impending doom.
My glass is half-full or half empty
but either way
and in all fairness; what does either mean?
Half-full
Half-empty
so long as I have half of something,
I know this is far better than having all of nothing.
And so you know;
I have had all of nothing before.
And trust me
This was not what it was cracked up to be.
I don’t need more or less but whatever I get I return,
let me make this real
and let me make this worthy enough
that in the end,
I can say yes I did what I did.
I am guilty
But I also did something great in response
and I responded to the fact that I know
the sands of time are always running out.
So, I know there is only so much time to redeem
myself before the sands of time runs out.
I might never be able to right all of my wrongs
but in the end,
at least I stood up to my devils
and told my demons to go Hell.
And sure . . .
I get it
I might be in Hell now or later
or I might be in Hell
in one way or another.
And if so, then please
Let me be more like Dismas the good one
and the repentant one instead of Gestas,
the bad one or the bad thief
crucified by right
and the one who wanted redemption
but was unwilling to repent
or work for it
I’ll work for mine
So, please. . .
Remember me when You go into Your Father’s house.
I know You say
in Your Father’s house there are many rooms;
and you say that if this were not so,
you would not have told us
that you go there to save a place for me.
Save me a spot, please.
I do not need a room with a view.
I do not need much, other than the hopes to dine with You
one day
in Paradise
Saint Dismas
Pray for me
The Written Addiction 