Yes, I’m aware that the book
is never the same as the movie,
or that life does not come
with the so-called “CliffsNotes”
or an abbreviated version
to ease the study of one another, but yes,
I get it.

No one takes the time
to read between the lines anymore
nor would it seem
that anyone looks to dedicate
the time it takes to really know someone,
or something,
or to dig deeper than just the surface level. 

There are nights when all is quiet
and the moon comes through the blinds
to leave a beam of moonlight
with a bluish tint across the sheets on my bed
or the whiteness on my face.
The blanket is off of me, and then on,
and then off again.

I am up, of course, and awake as usual.
I am thinking of random things
which somehow multiplies
into other thoughts
that take on a direction of their own.

Crazy?

Sure, I’m crazy.
Then again, what does it mean to be crazy?
Am I crazy because I still want to believe?
Is it crazy to want more?
Am I doing the same things over and over again,
and expecting a different result?

But wait . . .
that’s not crazy.
That’s the definition of insanity
which, yes, if I’m being honest,
of course, I’m insane too.

1)

I want to leave it all out there.
Do you know what I mean?
I don’t want to ever hold back again,
or be common or commonplace enough
to be side-swiped by some mediocre life
or to live in some basic or mundane existence
where I find myself aimless or aimlessly walking around,
like say, somewhere in Midtown,
caught in the undertow of some unfulfilled
or everyday world.

You look and you try.
You wonder and you dream, and you imagine,
and then perhaps you barter and you trade,
you negotiate and often you compromise
to find that “thing” which I have been telling you about.

And you want this.
You really do,
You want to find this in whichever form
or in whatever way this appeals to you; and as you go,
you take notice of “what was,”
to prevent what happened
from happening again.

It is even more confusing to say
that tomorrow is not a given,
especially when we have so much
depended on tomorrow, like a bet at the window
as if to bet on the 7 horse to win,
place or show.

Maybe tomorrow is not a given.
Maybe there really isn’t anything else
but right now . . .
and now has become the determining factor
of whether you or I will take that next step
or make that turn
or change our minds
and figure out a plan
for the rest of our lives
(so we can be happy).

I find that I am in a constant state of competition
with myself, which is not to say
that this is a race or that there is a first place,
second, third or last.
No.
This is more than just a physical match,
but mental as well, and emotional
and even educational to some degree because
as I go along, I find that I have been given
a series of inaccurate ideas
as well as lived in accordance
to a plethora of misinformation.

I was listening to a soldier
talk about an operation of violence.
And yes, this was violent to the core.
At the same time;
this is war and hence violence
is nothing more than a necessary evil
. . . just to survive.

I heard the soldier talk about the action,
the reason,
and victory of rage
which he also admitted to a celebration
of events
that the people in our society
are not ready for
nor are they tolerant of; however,
this is what it takes
to win a war.

Today . . .
I ask this question out loud yet,
I only ask this question to myself;
however, you are free to ask yourself
this same questions
and if you’d like,
we can try and answer them
together.

Dear Chaos,

I know you well and for so long now,
that perhaps it would be safe to say
that you and I
have been on a first name basis
even before I understood what that means,
to be on a first name basis.