I saw the lightning bugs for the first time this season.
I saw them the other night and then last night too.
I love this,
I view the lighting bugs as a sign that summer is about to begin. I also view them as a kind memory from my youth, which meant the school year was coming to an end.
This meant the days would be longer and greater and like the old saying went, this meant, “no more teachers, no more books.”
And ah, relief.
This meant that I was free from the social pressure of classrooms and the hallway bullies. This meant that I could come out of hiding, at least for a little while.
I could stop ditching class or hiding in podiums, like the one I used to hide in behind the drawn curtain of a dark stage in the school’s auditorium.
No more rumors. No more reasons to keep up with the crowd and try to “fit in” or act like I was “part of” them.
I used to want to leave my group of friends all the time.
But who else would I hang out with?
Summertime –
I could stop acting tough enough to stand strong with the local hoodlums and rejects.
I could stop for a while.
I didn’t have top act like I was worse or wilder and crazier than them.
I didn’t have to get in trouble.
In all fairness; I hated school.
I hated the way I stuttered when I’d read out loud or be forced to read in front of the class.
I hated being learning diosabled.
I hated being told I was stupid.
Or worse, I hated being told I had so much potential . . .
What they Hell did that mean anyway?
I hated the power of the crowd more than anything.
You could be “in” and accepted one day.
But anything could happen when it came to the rumor factories and the gossip mills.
One day you’re cool
then next you are a social pariah and a lepper.
And where are the real friends?
What about me?
How could my friends just leave me out?
And what about them?
Was I any different when they were thrown under the bus and their name was brought into question?
or was I just grateful and happy it wasn’t me at the time?
No one talks about this truth.
But it’s true and far too common.
No one ever told me things like this happen or thoughts like this are common to other people.
no . . . really . . .
This would have been nice to know.
No one ever told me they felt the same discomfort or noticed the social politics or how this had everything to do with whether you were invited or included. No one told me this is what determined whether a person was either cool or desired.
Or worse, all it took is one tasty rumor and so-called friends would vanish because they didn’t want to be associated with the same kind of curse.
I lent myself to this evil too.
I hated what I did but I contributed to this mess
I saw the lightning bugs last night . . .
The fireflies
I watched their little green taillights with a sense of relief.
I felt a certain ease that yes; I made it out alive.
At least, to some degree.
And still, the kid in me remembers the pain very well and yes, I suppose the kid in me appreciates the acknowledgement and the validation.
Growing up is hard.
Bullying is a back and forth game.
I played both sides. I admit it.
I was a voluntary victim of the powers of the crowd and the fears of abandonment or lonesome nights.
I was petrified to be uninvited and alone.
But here it is –
These things are punishing to anyone at any age.
Believe me.
No one wants to be left out.
No one wants to be the refused one or the odd one.
No one wants to be the one who became crushed under the wheels of the popularity machine.
I saw the fireflies last night.
I felt that old familiar stir, which was kind to me.
I felt the softness of a gentle nostalgia.
I used to think this was nature’s way of telling me that here’s a little reprieve.
I did what I could to pay a message forward last night.
I said this to a brand new graduate.
You have a new job now.
Your job is to be happy.
Period. End of sentence.
If something does not make you happy, then ask yourself why are you doing this?
And the people in your life . . .
Find the ones who make you happy.
Do not waste your time.
Do not waste your effort or your energy.
Do not get sucked in and let yourself drown in the undertow of social pressure.
You can die this way.
(and dying alive sucks. trust me)
Find the people who make you happy.
And if someone makes you unhappy, then ask yourself why?
What about them or the situation makes you unhappy?
Why are you still around them?
Why do you go back to something or someone that makes you unfulfilled or unsatisfied and unhappy?
What purpose does this serve?
And if someone makes you unhappy, then find the strength it takes to honor yourself
Do what you need to do and walk away.
Value yourself.
Value your time.
Value every second.
Take nothing for granted.
And too, I have another bit of advice.
This one is as real as I can offer.
Be good to your Mother.
I know how it is and I know how Moms get.
And I know all about their unrealistic approach and how they say “no” all the time when all you want to do is go, and run, or be crazy and see the sights and feel the thrills.
I get this.
My Mom used to do this too.
Mom used to wait up for me.
And I’d get mad too/
I’d say, “why?” or “what’s the big deal?”
Mom took me to the hospital more than once.
She was there through it all and yes, I took this for granted.
She always took care of me.
And I never thanked her.
I did when I was older.
But it was too late and the hurt was there, long before my apology came around.
Nothing in my life would have “happened” had it not been for Mom.
And I agree, Mom tried too hard and she was afraid to loosen her grip.
I admit it.
I agree that this made me run faster and harder and farther away.
But this was me.
And you are you.
I get it though.
Youth is a movement as well as a time.
Youth is the sensational gravity that pulls us in a million directions.
We often get turned around because we want to go, be, and do the things without missing out on anything.
I get that.
I still want to do these things but it seems like I have something holding me back
Always . . .
I saw the fireflies last night
Or the lightning bugs.
I call them both ways.
My hope is this . . .
I hope the world opens a new door for you.
I hope you find new friendships that serve you better than the powers of the crowd or the rules of popularity.
There are people who came to me later in life and I knew them long before.
And damnit all to Hell because yes; I gave in to the powers I hated.
I lacked the bravery to be myself.
I lacked the strength to invest in the best people because in my best assumption, eventually, they would leave too.
Or eventually, hard times would come around and like the others, my so-called friends or lover would be like the other fair-weathered people in my life . . .
– and in the end, they would leave me when my benefits were slim.
Somehow, and I don’t know how, but I lived through and survived decades of weakness.
This was all because I never knew how to value myself first.
I never learned to nurture my own worth and realize that I am far more important than the benefit of a crowd.
I fell to the draws of social pressure.
I did . . .
And I see how this affects me now, even in the boardrooms and the corporate positions.
The funny pat is; I got the job!
I don’t have to prove myself anymore.
Nor should I have to prove myself or my worth ever again.
I used to beg someone to love me.
Only to learn that you can’t love someone deeper and longer and harder and expect them to feel the same thing.
And where does this come from?
When did this begin?
How did this start?
Years ago when I was small. I wanted to fit in.
I wanted to be wanted.
I wanted to be included and invited.
And the ideas of being unincluded or not invited were painful.
Rejection hurts
(if we invest in it, that is)
It takes strength to stand alone and be an individual.
But yes. This is strength.
This is truth
And this is the road to greatness.
I know my words go unheard because there was a time when I would have said, “but you don’t know what it’s like.”
Or I might have said “You’re too old to know what it means to be a kid these days.”
In all honesty and to e fair; I don’t claim to know anything.
All I can say is the world is a big beautiful place and time is moving much faster than you think.
One day, I woke up and realized all the things I missed were self-inflicted.
I had a weak or a scared mindset.
So –
Do not be afraid.
Your real life is out there waiting for you.
Fake lives are plentiful and meaningless.
Fake love might look pretty, but the word “pretty” can become very ugly
Trust me.
Nothing in this world is lonelier than living a life that you have instead of living the life you’ve always dreamed of>
I know this now and I know this all too well.
Do not be afraid.
And yes, look for the lightning bugs . . .
the fireflies . . .
They are beautiful little critters.
Notice the flashing their greenish yellow taillights.
They are looking for their way too
Just like us.
I love you ~
The Written Addiction 