It amazes me to see who I am as opposed to who I used to be.
Then again, I am amazed at how different life can be from what it was, this time last year.
But this is life.
Always changing and always throwing a curve
(or two)
This is us too, moving and going through different phases
I am amazed . . .
I’m amazed at the times which I have lived through
And yes, it amazes me to realize how much time has passed since the last time I stood on a rooftop and felt rebellious.
My feet touch the ground . . .
My head is otherwise in the clouds.
I am elsewhere, in fact.
And the fact remains that I still have dreams of rainy streets, sitting in a Midtown cab as it swerves towards Port Authority Bus Terminal. I had to make my bus, so that I can go home and play charades.
The act is over and the scene has changed.
Neither the stage nor the players are the same now.
I am miles from where I was and lifetimes away from my last trip to San Diego or LA.
If I am to be anything other than who I was, then I have to allow myself to evolve into who I am supposed to be. Therefore, I can no longer hold the chains that weigh me down.
I notice the scenes are different.
Nothing is the same.
It seems as if everyone is elsewhere now.
But who am I kidding?
Nothing was the same, after the pandemic.A
nd still, we forget.
We forgot what brought us to where we were and what kept us together
(as people)
I am no more and no less than anyone else and still, I am far more than what happened and I am more than what took place.
I try to see this through analogies. . .
A man decided to get drunk and take on three police officers. This happened after he lost his position at work. He offered to fight all three of them.
The officers talked him out of fighting and then they took him away in handcuffs.
No one was hit.
No one was harmed.
He was just a man who lost his position, or perhaps this was his identity and so to him –
he lost his life.
I can understand the question which goes, who am I now that my life is not the same anymore?
Who am I supposed to be now that I found out I wasn’t supposed to be who I was?
If that makes sense.
But whatever I was, I wonder was I happy?
And if not, then why do I ponder backwards or romanticize something that was wrong to begin with?
Life changes.
Landscapes change.
People come and go, and those who we wish would stay are gone and those who we wished would leave never seem to go away.
And as for the question of identity . . .
I suppose this changes too
I am not who I was
I am not who I am
and perhaps I will be someone different
next year. . .
But who knows.
for now, I see life the same as I view the tides.
the waves are full and plentiful when the tide is high
the waves recede, like an old man’s hairline
exposing the beach that was otherwise covered (and happy)
The tides never stay high forever
Low tide only holds is position for so long.
And this is a good thing
There are mothers who raise children and find themselves with an empty nest.
School is over and college is through.
Their child has grown and so, who is the Mother now?
Who is a mom if she has no one around to be a mom to?
What happens to that spot in life?
or the position of control?
There are fathers who missed out on too many things because of work or their job.
And one day, all of their tomorrows fell through and their kids are grown and gone.
There is no going back to redo the dance recitals
There is no way to go back and have a Daddy Daughter Dance.
There are people who walked and believed that this would be them, their entire lives, only to find the rude awakening that the life they had was never meant to be. And so, who are they now that they lost who they were?
It amazes me how time has no conscience or emotion.
No matter how we feel or what we want or ask for.
Time just moves
This is a fact
and no one wants to accept this fact
Maybe I don’t either
Maybe because it took me a long time to find an identity that I enjoyed
until I found out
it wasn’t real to begin with
The Written Addiction 