I know you are out there.
you . . .
I always knew this too
but yes, I admit it
my faith was questioned
and my doubts were mounting
I am here with you now
Then again, where else would I be?
Where else would I be, unless the Gods
had other plans
and yet, same as the driftwood and the shells washed ashore;
everything we see
and everything we feel was predetermined by fate
so that destiny could solidify our place
beside one another.
I do believe in this
even if this is silly, like a kid
or even if this is a foolish as wishing on a star
then fine
let me be the fool this time
and I’d be fine to be like that kid
destined for this –
you . . .
Here I am
end of day
The beach, Point Lookout
July 4, 2026.
All I can say is if you don’t know,
then you don’t know
and you won’t understand
so then . .
let me explain
or do my best
to help you understand
I am here before you, my world, my God
my beliefs and my dream.
I am standing at the edge between land and sea
and thinking my thoughts,
feeling my feelings while skipping empty shells
from the beach across the tops of silent waves.
My love for you is equal to my love for this place
which is incalculable
or unable to be added to because my love for this place
is both full and beyond compare.
This is more than kindred
and more than some kind of cosmic connection.
This is more than a plea
and more than any prayer I have ever offered
and to me,
this is more than my most humble supplication,
which is when I offered it all “up to God,”
to help me stand back up when my heart was too weak
to serve my legs and let me stand again.
Ah, the beach . . .
The wind was coming in from the south by southeast.
I could see the ships in the shipping lanes,
about twelve miles in the distance.
I could feel the sun on my face.
I could feel the wind blowing through my hair
and in all, I assume I have no other way to relate my sentiments,
other than to explain them
and repeat the dying words of a famous chess master,
Bobby Fischer.
“Nothing is as healing as the human touch.”
And yes.
I agree.
No, nothing is as healing as the human touch.
Then again, nothing is as healing as the touch of your hand.
Nothing is as healing to me
as the sound of your voice
or the feel of your lips when you kiss me.
Nothing is this good
to me
I whispered this to the wind
as if my thoughts and sentiments are like tiny notes,
sent out to sea in little bottles
that were sent out by my cast away heart
with hopes that my wishes will come back to me
And in teturn
I can have you.
I can have the life that I have always dreamed of
because life has proved one thing to me:
nothing is as healing to the soul
as the realization that yes,
everyone and everything has a plan and a purpose.
The world is a cosmic stream of constant math,
adding people to our lives and subtracting us
from the places we did not belong
or the people we did not belong with
Ah, The Great Mother, Mother Earth,
and Mother of All Creation
Pray for us . . .
I stand at the shore
and feel the water rise and fall of the waves
as they come above my knees.
I love the coolness of the water
and how this stops the heat of the summer sun.
I feel the tides coming in and out.
I feel the rhythm of the sea
and how the waves build and crash.
This is a cycle that the ocean goes through
and as humans
we are no different.
We go through phases and cycles
and in the end,
we find out that yes,
there was a plan for us,
after all.
How else could we explain the way fate
sent us in different directions
and yet
here we are, reconnected –
how else could this be explained?
Nothing about this rhythm is random to me.
Nothing about this or you or me is accidental
but more so, I see this and our time apart
as an intentional pause to help us realize that this . . .
this right here
this is love
unbroken
Nothing is ever perfect,
except for fate or destiny.
Life in its own regard is as perfect as it comes.
Life is perfect because life is always
moving and always teaching
so that we can always move too
and grow.
Our job is to pay attention
to listen
to learn
to wake up, on time when the Almighty Teacher wakes us up
after “falling asleep in class.” too often.
Therefore and in all humilty
I am awake now.
I slept through too many lessons
and missed too many things
because I was too blinded by my ignorance
because I slept through my lessons
and too hesitant to let go
because what if I failed?
(Again.)
I held on to too much
because I was always too afraid to “let go!”
But what was I holding?
Was any of what I held real?
Or was this only real to me?
Was anything I held even mine to hold?
Or was I just holding on to something
with hopes that perhaps this time,
maybe life will be different
you know?
And so, perhaps I would be asked, what’s so different this time.
The answer is me.
I am different.
I am different from who I was, this time last year.
I am different from how I was.
I am different because I would rather work and build
instead of hope and dream
that maybe someone will come along and do the work for me.
But nothing worth anything works this way.
Nothing happens if nothing happens
and dare I say this because yes,
the truth happens. . .
And so
I realize that nothing happened the way I wanted
because nothing changes
if nothing changes
And I, above all, grew tired of hitting my head
against the same wall,
asking myself why me?
Or why does this always have to me?
Why do I always find myself here?
And why do I do the same thing,
all the time,
and expect something else?
How can I get something else
when I always do the same thing?
I must deploy myself and exit
and get away from my old strategy
or even if at minimum;
I have to step away from the definition of insanity,
which is doing the same thing, over again,
and expecting different results.
I do not know what to expect this time
Then again, I never offered myself up to you
or to anyone else like this.
not like this
no way
And so, if it is true that nothing changes if nothing changes,
then let me transform
here and now
I have changed and I learned to change with you
so that I can be me at my best –
and even if my best isn’t good enough,
then at least I can say that I gave what I had.
I put everything on the line and risked everything,
just to feel the proof of that theory,
nothing is as healing as the human touch.
Touch me, please.
I need this now
more than I need air in my lungs
and blood in my heart.
Blessed Mother,
Let me try . . .
. . .one more time
I promise not to ever fall asleep in class again.
Let me show “Her” what I have learned
because in all fairness,
Loving Mother . . .
No one deserves my best
But her
I didn’t know that God could make imperfections so beautiful
and that what she sees as flaws;
I find them gorgeous.
but I seldom think she believes me
I know . . .
. . . I am only a man
faulted and flawed with a list of crimes
and more than ever, I am afraid
that I will never make “her” proud.
Mother of all –
This is the task she gave me
“Make me proud,” she said.
I want that
without the sound of her regret
or without the worry
that perhaps the shell we found on the beach
was just an accident
or a one time thing
There are no accidents
just incidents that came to show us
that now is the time to wake up
and pay attention
The winds were calm but
they picked up before the fireworks at Jones Beach.
We saw them fly high
and burst into colors
and showers of sparkles of joy.
What a beautiful thing . . .
. . . nothing is as healing as the human touch
and nothing is as beautiful as being touched . . .
. . . by the girl of my dreams
My love is not perfect,
but imperfect
and my heart is not pristine,
but flawed
and yes, I am damaged from a past
of undesired outcomes.
Yet, my love is full and surprising
like the unexpected lightning bolts,
which struck through the sky on Saturday night,
4th of July, in the year 2026.
My love is all I have
And so
I realize that I will never have anything
unless I give my love to her
And so, you ask
How do I love you?
With all I have, I say . . .
. . . and if that is not enough
Then I’ll return here to the One I call God the Father
and you, my Almighty Mother
and come to the beach at Point Lookout again
and pray for the knowledge, wisdom,
and the undertaking
to make what it takes to give her more
And last
You ask how much do I love her?
Look out from the shore
See how endless the sea is?
Look at the horizon
Look at the sky
See how huge they are
and know that they are tiny in comparison in size
because yes
I love her more
I promise
The Written Addiction 