1)

And how would it be? A new world?
A new life?
A new time, made for a new form of living and a new way which is mad or madder than the madman who lives to die or dies to live.
What is this?

What is desire if nothing else than a spot or a place in my heart to which I swear to live and remain unfearful to die, or if at all or if anything else, who am I now or who will I be now?
Who will I become now that the older versions of me have been dismissed?

The time was sunset during an early August moment just before the sky changed.
All was quiet.

I was sitting in a small beach chair in a field of green grass and looking around at a small park known to me as Eisenhower.
And this place too.
This place dates back to the longstanding memories of this thing I call my youth and the birthplace of too many memories that caused me to worry and fear the backhand of the status quo.

The rain is heavy outside.
I suppose the rain matches the mood and the mood matches the time.
At least, for me.

I think now is a good time for me to get this out.
The wind picked up but so has the rain.
Perhaps now is a good time for me to cleanse my soul.
And so . . .
here I go

What do you miss the most? I ask this because if you miss something or if you miss anything, then there has to be a reason and regardless of what the reason is, what do you miss and what do you miss the most?

I will say there is bravery in our decisions to stand up and walk away.
There is bravery to face the unknown and even if we chose to stay someplace and not take the risk and venture outwards or onwards, it take courage to make a decision, —even if that decision appears weak or cowardly; it is a brave thing to face the pains that come with “more of the same.”

And I say this to you, despite the craziness of all the things around me . . . the morning is perfect.
Nothing is pressing and nothing is weighing too heavy at the moment.
The day is young and fresh, as if to just be born or perhaps I should say the day is born again.
And for now, this is more than good enough.
For now, everything is perfect.

You never forget and of course, how can anyone ever forget the times of their lives?
And of course, I agree, the times of our life have changed and altered from their original state.
But this is a normal thing.
This is a thing that comes with age.
Time moves and the glory days are more glorious and the memories become amplified like a fish that we caught as kids and somehow, the fish seems to get bigger each time we told the story.

My heart does this too.
It gets bigger, I mean.
And sometimes, my heart misremembers and oftentimes, my heart glorifies and amplifies the realities that took place, way back when.
And this is funny to me too because the world has ways of taking us in different directions and somehow, we come back to the same point and meet who we are supposed to meet.
Years pass.
Wait, no.
Decades.

It amazes me that yes, I was blind. I was blind to the truth and blinded by the surrounding ignorance and the stupid bliss of capricious youth. I was blinded by the so-called standard and the status whores who were all too driven by the ideas of being cool and popular.
I was blind to the pains or the painful truth that there is a great big world out there and that life and all its meanings were bigger than my tiny circles of influence.
My life was small and the world was greater in magnitude and more worthy than the local knucklehead friends.
Friends . . .

And you start to wonder if there is such a thing . . .
You think about the world you live in and all the ups and downs or the highs and the lows.
You think.
You know?

You wonder about the lucky ones, or at least, I should keep this on me; and so, if this is on me, then I should say that this is on me.
And it is me who wonders about the lucky ones or the so-called beautiful ones who always seem to have it easier.

In the end,
it all comes down to money,
how much you have
who you pay
how big is your house
and how much do you pay out.

The idea of restarting
or rebuilding your life
and the idea
of having to start over
or the word “dating”
and reopening yourself
to a new idea
or a new relationship . . .