In the wake of a recent tragedy, I feel the need to explain some of my own darkness in order to shed some light on the effects of depression.
Depression is a mental virus or cancer that decays from within. I cannot pinpoint when my struggle began. I suppose it began when I was introduced to the classrooms at school.
This was where I learned about my differences from other people. This is when I realized I was different in size and strength. I learned about the different structures of popularity and I struggled to fit in.

But let me pause here . . .
Before I go on, I will explain that I am not licensed on this subject in any way. I am not a therapist or a doctor.
This is only an account of what happened to me and my survival. . .

At a young age, nothing seemed easy or reachable to me, and whatever did come Continue reading →

The morning commute is often the same . . .
Same people stand in their same spots on the platform to the railroad. They find themselves sitting near the same people in the same seats, and I am one of these people, moving into an already crowded train with hopes to find a seat, and clear my mind before my commute delivers me to the city.
I have maintained this commute for more than two decades, and on more than one of Continue reading →

1)

The worst is to age without cause or live without reason
The worst is to be complacent with mediocrity,
or to accept the ordinary.
And above all,
the worst is to age late in life without feeling the glory of reflection . . .

Even the rough experiences add season to life,
and anything without season
is bland.

One day, if I pull off my trick,
I will wake up and be older.
And if my memory is clear. I will look back and remember
the times I broke night and watched the sun come up
over New York City.
I will recall what the full moon looks like
over the Atlantic Ocean,
and I will sigh with satisfaction because I lived
instead of wondered.
Continue reading →

I am standing at the verge of a change; only, I am unsure which direction it will come from or when this change will happen. I cannot put my finger on whether the change will be good or bad. I can just feel it coming . . . and closing in slowly. I tend to overthink myself when this happens.
I feel edgy, but writing helps.

I sometimes sit with my friend Clyde for lunch.  We talk about the old days when Continue reading →

I don’t ever want to feel like,
“This is it.”
I don’t want to think,
“This is all life has for me.”

I don’t ever want to be still
or stagnant,
or common
I want everything to feel like it does in the beginning Continue reading →

THE OCEAN

Slow tide moved in after the rain this morning…
Waves hushed onto the sand of an empty beach
and through the clouds
the sky broke above the ocean in shafts if sunlight. Continue reading →

I left my house this morning at 4:45AM.

The sun was about to rise and the birds were chirping. I walked to my car and thought, “I used to come home at this time,” but that was a long time ago and I was a different person then.
There was a cool wind coming from the north and the moon was still out. I drove away from my house and headed in to fill another overtime shift on a Sunday morning.

Behind me, the sun began its rise and its reflection changed the colors of the glass buildings on Hempstead Turnpike.
And as I drove, my daughter is somewhere upstate. I suppose she Continue reading →

So, I have this early childhood memory that comes to me every so often.
It was summertime. The sun was setting and my bedtime was around the corner. I tried to argue my case about staying up later, but my case was denied.
Instead, I took the trade and I was allowed to drink iced tea for the first time.
The brand was 4C Lemon Iced Tea
(Isn’t it funny the things we remember?)

I recall lying in my twin-sized bed with Popeye sheets and pillow cases beneath a maroon colored blanket. I remember looking at the old brown and gray air-conditioner, which hung in my bedroom window. The room slowly dimmed with the sunset, and everything was good.

I was too young to know about loss. I was too young to understand insecurity or become worried with doubt. At that age, everything was possible. My worst fear was the Feetie Monsters underneath my bed. And in order to keep my feet away from the monsters, I would tuck the covers beneath my feet. In fact, I still sleep with the covers wrapped around my feet to this day. Continue reading →

The problem with being a divorced parent is the things we miss, like saying goodnight, or seeing your child come home from school. I suppose the earlier years were hardest for me. But now, I must have blinked and my little girl who used to speak in her little voice and hold things in her tiny hands is now ten years-old. She is not so little anymore.

I need to work in order to keep the things I have. I need to pay bills, and buy things, like food and clothes. I need to turn on lights in my home; I need to heat it in the winter and cool it in the summer.
In order to keep my neck above the waterline, I need to take extra hours at work because without overtime, the waterline rises, and there is no fear worse than the fear of being under water.
The problem with being a divorced dad is the things I missed like the recitals, or picking up my daughter at say, gymnastics.  And the problem with working long hours is the missed opportunities on an already limited schedule.  And now she is older. Now she goes to sleep away camp…… Continue reading →

After the bruises heal, the scars begin to form, and then they turn deeper, which is worse, because there are no scars deeper than the ones in your mind.
These are the deep cuts. They are the ones sliced by words.
They are the cuts of our uncontrollable outcomes.

These are the wounds that keep us from moving forward and steal our freedom. These are the scars that keep us from believing anything can be good, and worse, these are the wounds that bury our hopes and keep us from fighting back ….because we never knew we could. Continue reading →