After the bruises heal, the scars begin to form, and then they turn deeper, which is worse, because there are no scars deeper than the ones in your mind.
These are the deep cuts. They are the ones sliced by words.
They are the cuts of our uncontrollable outcomes.

These are the wounds that keep us from moving forward and steal our freedom. These are the scars that keep us from believing anything can be good, and worse, these are the wounds that bury our hopes and keep us from fighting back ….because we never knew we could. Continue reading →

The cold war comes after heartbreak.

Night falls into this sub-divided menu
whereas I could feel her if she decided to say yes
or we could coincide together like those who survive winter
and huddle our versions of emotion
to create our own substance

 (Or warmth)

Relationships are an ongoing trade.
Wouldn’t you agree?

Some people give, some take, and some understand the cycle.
They do things like breathe out so that someone else can breathe in,
which is genius
if you’re not afraid to be trusting.

The truth is, I’ve always been a fan of love

When I was young, the way a girl smiled could dictate the direction of my day.
If nothing else, the way she smiled would at least determine my next idea.
Like say, imagining her in a flowing skirt, crossing her legs
and then dangling an open-toed shoe from the top of her right foot.

I call this mesmerizing…

Or like when she twirls strands of hair around her index finger
and looks off into nowhere with a semi-glossed smile

I call that intriguing…

I may have written this before, but I’ll write it again:
Man may very well hold the key to the universe
but women are the cylinder into which it turns.

I found that I was always searching for truth
even while in my sickness……
by any means necessary
in any direction, and by whatever method I found
I sought through the exteriors to find something within
and align myself with the magic of the sun

I dreamt of children playing in the daylight
……like when we were young

I pictured this as versions of goodness
(Or purity)

I found myself searching for the twenty thousand answers
to my ten thousand questions
I tried to find myself without using me as a factor.

What I mean is….
instead of searching within I went without
I went without the ability of forgiveness
I went without the satisfaction of salvation
or the possibilities of redemption.

So in order to form a more perfect union with myself,
I turned to the synthetic
I turned to the plastic
and the artificial

I mean….
No one expects the bad outcomes to come
otherwise, no one would ever come at all
at least not through the same door as me.

I have watched my childhood vanish and seen its casualties
I have heard from those
whose silhouettes are shadows against prison walls
as well as those who have fallen six feet below the surface

But yet I say this:
Even they were looking for the truth
They were searching for the truth, the whole  truth
and nothing but the truth; so help them God.

My destiny is that which proves the fact that people do change.
However, I no longer compare myself to the leopards and say,
“See, I did change my spots.”

…because I no longer walk on all fours.

I was a kid, it seemed. Or maybe I just felt reborn. I felt young because I decided to not be afraid and put everything on the line.
I walked up from the subway near Central Park and I was immediately embraced by the old familiar smell of hotdogs from the hotdog vendors.
I could smell the pretzels from the pretzel vendor and the roasted nuts as well.

Columbus Circle was alive and well. I stood alone with my own version of perfection; I had a pair of hotdogs with mustard, ketchup, sauerkraut, and a can of soda.
I rested at the brick wall that surrounds Continue reading →

When I was around the age of twelve, someone thought it would be a good idea to throw snowballs at passing cars. And of course, I followed along.
And of course, I threw a snowball at a car that stopped at the stop sign near Peters Avenue. This led to a large angry man leaping from his car, catching me, and shaking me around like a ragdoll.
I am not sure if the punishment fit the crime, however, I did learn a valuable lesson. I learned with each action there is often a reaction. I learned about accountability and I never threw another snowball at a car after that.
But the youthful mind is a strange thing. Youthful minds have short memories, and the further young minds are from the consequences of their actions; the further they are from the memory of the lessons behind them.

I was about 15 years-old….
A small group Continue reading →

Sometimes, the hardest thing to understand is God the Father’s will……

Things were going well when my Old Man had his heart attack. He finally reached success with our family’s business. My brother was doing well in college and I was living on a farm in Upstate New York. The home was quiet and my parents, at last, had time to themselves. They went away together and enjoyed the benefits of a home without kids. But with all going well, The Old Man passed away, due to a series of heart attacks.

My grief ran in stages. First, I was Continue reading →

It was June 1^st
I remember it very well. The truck had just left and I finished moving the rest of my belongings into a small two-bedroom apartment in the upstairs of a private home. The rooms were somewhat small and the kitchen was even smaller. The white walls were freshly painted and the house smelled from wet paint.
Man, that place was empty….
The wood floors were clean and the bright sunlight pushed Continue reading →

My Old Man used to tell me, “If you sleep with dogs, you’ll wake up with fleas.” Then he would talk about my friends and say, “Get ready to start scratching kid, because those friends of yours have a lot of fleas.”
The Old Man would tell me, “Show me who your friends are and I will show you who you are.”
When he thought I was slovenly dressed, or my room was too messy, The Old Man would say, “Show me the environment you keep yourself in and I will show you how you feel about yourself.”

He would say, “It’s easier to be brought down than it is to bring someone else up….so always be aware of your company.”

And The Old Man hated quitters because, “Quitting is contagious.”
He hated liars too because, “There’s nothing worse than a liar.”

“If a man doesn’t have his word, then he doesn’t have anything in my book.”

I used to work as an operating engineer in a commercial office building near Park Avenue and 34th street. There were two different machine room floors. One, which was designated for the heating and cooling for the lower half of the building, was on the 12th floor. The other, designated for the upper half, was at the top of the building on the 42nd floor.
Neither room was properly maintained. The lighting was Continue reading →

Here it comes….
We are days away from the unofficial beginning of summertime.
Bodies will soon flood the beaches and the days will become longer as nights grow hot and shorter.

I am thinking of a time I had. It was the first time I broke through Jones Inlet and headed out to sea on my own vessel. The boat was 31 feet in length with a beam more than 11 foot wide. Beneath two separate hatches, diesel engines, each with 240 horses behind them, hummed in the deep sound of a slow-moving rumble. Continue reading →

I was raised in a modest house. My Father worked from sunup to sundown; my mother cared for the home and along with my older brother, we lived on a main street that ran north and south through our small suburban town.
Five houses north of Front Street, our two-story home rested across from the Continue reading →